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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Go go away for so long

21 replies

Valentinesxdayideasxx · 25/08/2019 01:05

Back story is I live with dm as she is agoraphobic. She goes out with me with no issues but won't go out by herself, is ok with my dropping her off and picking her up but will not travel by herself. Doesnt have friends or family so it's just me. The nearest shop is 10 houses away, but she refuses to go knowing that I will drive her. Ive never been abroad (im 29 for reference) as dm has never wanted to go on holidays. I arranged a holiday with dp for 10 days in november and even though it's 3 months away I can't get rid of the anxiety. I don't know if ibu for going away for so long, i just feel so guilty for booking a holiday when she will be by herself. Ive said that I will take her shopping for everything she needs and will speak to her while i'm away. She said it is fine but got upset when she realised it will be 10 days and is now really upset about the length of time I'll be away. Aibu? Is this too long? Am i being completely selfish?

OP posts:

TruthOnTrial · 25/08/2019 01:13

No,you need your own life too, and your dm get her own support so she is not dependent upon you so utterly and completely.

You need a life, and a break feom the responsibility or you could just go the exact same way.

You already have anxiety. Break free! Enjoy your life, and tell her how much you need it. Surely she wont begrudge you this short 10 day break?

She needs to see her GP or find alternative sources of support, I think its not helping her. She needs proper therapy putting in place to help resolve her issues.

Hope you have a happy holiday,make sure you practice 'switching off' beforehand or it could ruin any break you might have had. If it isn't a relaxing time for you, then you need to repeat it often until it really gets into your system!

Motoko · 25/08/2019 04:01

What Truth said. You need to be able to live your own life, and you need a break sometimes, otherwise you'll break. When you're on the plane, when they explain the safety information, they tell you that if the oxygen masks drop down, you need to put your own one on first, before you can help anyone else. This is the same. You can't look after anyone else, if you don't look after yourself first, because then you'll be no good for anyone.

Your mum needs treatment, your enabling will only make her worse.

Go on holiday and switch off, and have a lovely time. It's not selfish, you deserve it.

notsodimwit · 25/08/2019 04:21

You are NOT being selfish going on a well deserved holiday tell your mam she needs to get some help and support and needs to see her GP to get the ball rolling!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2019 06:45

You are your mother's emotional hostage. You need to set yourself free from this madness before it ruins you. I promise she will magically be able to fend for herself. It's time to take a HUGE step back from her and her manipulation.

NeatFreakMama · 25/08/2019 06:49

No and it sounds like the dynamics of your relationship might be stopping your mum make steps towards something more healthy? No fault at all but she needs to own her mental health and look at treatment options. Then you and she can have a more healthy relationship.

everyonecaneffoff · 25/08/2019 06:57

No YANBU.
Maybe the 10 days with you away will give her a chance to think about the situation and maybe she might consider getting help which she definitely needs.
She can live this way because you are there doing everything for her. What if something was to happen to you - if you were to become ill and couldn't take her out for a few weeks or months.

Show her how to do an online shop before you go away so that she can do this if she needs more food during the 10 days - and so that she can do this more often when you are back.

This is not sustainable for you over a long period of time. I don't know how old she is, but you could possibly be living with this issue for 30 years unless she starts to get some help.

BeanBag7 · 25/08/2019 07:18

Maybe you could do some short breaks to get your mum used to the idea. A night or two somewhere. If food is the only thing she really goes out for then show her how to do online shopping.

LIZS · 25/08/2019 07:25

Yanbu. Is she on medication? Use the time between now and then to find someone else to support her. There are often volunteer drivers or befrienders schemes who could provide some help. If she will walk to the shop with you, could she manage it by building up to doing partway by herself, increasing over time, meeting you on the way. Online shopping etc should help her cope while you are away and she may appreciate how you are compromising you life for her. Do you work, go out, have any normal life otherwise?

FireBloodAndIce · 25/08/2019 07:27

No you aren't selfish. Your mum is using you as an emotional crutch, she needs to seek some help which she won't do while you prop her up.

Use these three months to make it clear she needs to seek help and you'll support her in that but you will be holidaying. As pp suggested start taking weekend breaks at your dps too, so it's not such a shock when you go. Be prepared for tears and upset the day before but don't let it stop you from living your life.

museumsandgalleries666 · 25/08/2019 07:29

Can you slowly introduce your mother to a carer between now and your holiday, so there would be someone she knows and is comfortable with to drop in on her while you're away?

PersonaNonGarter · 25/08/2019 07:31

The holiday is the least of your worries - but a good place to start.

Do you have a good social life? Access to friends who will listen? I think you are going to need a lot of RL support and reassurance.

Your DM is very wrong in her thinking but she is completely persuaded by it and has persuaded you that it is acceptable. It is completely unacceptable. You may need to have outside help to support you in seeing this because it has become such a way of life for you.

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/08/2019 07:34

I think that you need to be cruel to be kind.
(She's going to need to replenish stuff like milk and bread. She's going to have to pick those up if they run out)

lidoshuffle · 25/08/2019 07:36

Just from a boringly practical viewpoint, milk and bread freeze well, so if the freezer and fridge are well stocked there's no reason your mum would need to go out if she didn't want to.

Go on holiday and enjoy it, you need to expand your horizons and have a break from it to be able to cope.

Tonnerre · 25/08/2019 07:39

You should use this as a starting point towards moving out completely, otherwise you will be stuck there forever. Other issues apart, it can't make your relationship with your partner easy. Try to persuade your mother to get treatment, and organise a social care assessment - make it clear to SS that you will not be available as a full time carer from a defined date.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 25/08/2019 07:42

Won’t you want to move out and live with DP at some point hopefully? Your mum needs to start working on a plan so she’s ready when you want to go.

DDIJ · 25/08/2019 07:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LIZS · 25/08/2019 09:06

(She's going to need to replenish stuff like milk and bread. She's going to have to pick those up if they run out)

Milk and More can deliver basic essentials. Wiltshire Farm Foods or similar for freezable meals.

ItsABubbleParty · 25/08/2019 09:11

You need to live your own life. You can't live her life for her. I'd be devastated if I destroyed my daughter's life with my own health problems. She needs other care in place, apart from you, and you need to live your own life.

Original poster

Valentinesxdayideasxx · 25/08/2019 10:06

Thank you for youre replies, theyve made me feel a lot better. I struggle with anxiety and have a few times been so overwhelmed with the constant work/drive that ive spent a couple of days at dps while hes been at work, just to sit and spend time by myself without being asked to do things. I know i can say no, but I know she will just not go out or do anything so I feel guilty and just do it after a while. Shes had counselling but it didnt help. Ive offered to pay for her driving lessons and a little runaround car but she doesnt want that either

OP posts:

TruthOnTrial · 25/08/2019 10:19

Please separate out the jobs that help her to recover as opposed to those that do it for her.

If you helped her to buy a car for instance, but dont have to be in the car for every journey.

Help her to reach out, make gp appts, get support, not do all the support yourself.

She's not had the right counselling is all.

'Counselling' covers many bases. Chances in finding the answer with just one counsellor are quite low I would suggest, especially with this level of anxiety. Its unlikely to find the right fit with just one, you need to approach a few and see who's the best fit for you.

You have resorted to hiding away, this is what your DMs situation has led you to.

Grasp your life, with both hands, be clear with her about what you can and cant offer her.

That you will be alongside to help her to help herself. That you cannot 'do' her life for her. I mean, if you go shopping too, you may as well just do her shopping with your own and save yourself the extra trip!

She can do this online,so you could take the time instead to sit down and go through that.

To show her whats available locally for support, help counselling, types of therapy or activities that will help.

Im glad something's helped. Stick at it, get yourself to a good place and get rid of the anxiety in your own life, much of which seems very likely stemming from the pressures you have been under for so long and still are.

TruthOnTrial · 25/08/2019 10:22

Also, when she rejects your help, tell her that she is doing this.

Make it very clear to her that you keep offering options, which might not suit, but she does have to do something, and not expect you to be at her beck and call as that is just unreasonable.

Help is about becoming independent, not total reliance on others.

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