AIBU that we kinda live separate lives...?

[Misskg1982]

So me and my OH have been together for almost 8 years, lived together for almost 5 years and have a DD who is 2. My real bug bear with him at the minute, well for alittle while now to be fair, is that I just feel like his just living for himself.
When it was the two of us I still had a real hectic social life as well as our life together. Although thinking back most of our down time was spent chilling at home but we still did things with each other, date nights, days out and the odd holiday. But I just feel since having our DD he just does him, and makes plans for him. He never seems interested in coming out with us and if he does come it always seems to be a quick thing rather then spending quality time. He also never makes plans as a family. He works shifts (night and day shifts) and will never want to do anything on the day he finishes work (he finishes at 9am from a nightshift). Yet if he has made plans he will think nothing of going out with friends or doing whatever his doing regardless of tiredness etc. Yet if I were to say let's go out today or tell him we've got something planned he'll use the fact that his just finish work that morning as an excuse to not have to come.
I've spoken to him about this, how I feel we live separate lives and that he never seems interested in spending time as a family. Which he denys and trys to tell me that I'm over thinking things. I've also brought up the fact that I think he struggles being a parent, again something he denies.
I just don't really know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but like I've said to him recently, I don't know how much longer I can carry on living a life as separate people. To me that's not a relationship. Not that I need to be in your pocket but to not even have plans together is strange. When I try to plan he'll say yea yea and then when the time comes acts like his totally forgotten and somehow talks himself out of coming. I've also asked him does he want out and his told me no. But what is it we're actually doing???
I'm so frustrated!!! Help!!

Did he not want to have a child?

Our DD was planned. We had a miscarriage before, again a planned pregnancy which he was very supportive with. Our DD was delivered by c section, again very supportive and saw to her without an ask. But yes very much wanted a child.

I can see why you feel you are leading separate lives and I can't understand why he doesn't want to be more involved in family life.

I can understand why you feel sad about this.
I'm married to a long term shift worker, and I think shifts are very hard to deal with: there are numerous studies showing how negatively shift working impacts on physical and mental health, apart from the obvious tiredness after being up all night.
Tbh I wouldn't want to do anything much after working all night. I might make an exception for something extra fun, like a concert or a party, but day to day, I'd be wanting to go sleep for my full 8 hours before even considering anything else.
There's also the issue that some men just don't find babies that entertaining, and so don't find going to the park / soft play fun. Its selfish in some ways, but whilst you can include it in the list of things that a parent has to do, it might not be in the category of " worth giving up sleep for".
I don't know what sort of outings you're suggesting, but is it that they're not things that particularly appeal? Not that its your job to be family entertainment manager, but just speaking from experience.
Would it be worth sitting down with him and jointly come up with a list of things you can do as a family, things you can do just you and him ( if you have access to babysitters) and things you can do separately ?
I think when our dc were small, our social life was mostly hanging out with other parents of small kids doing things like picnics and barbeques, all pretty low key stuff. Some people ( Not going to say just men) do find it hard to adjust to the restrictions young children place on your social life, and to appreciate that if a parent is going to continue doing sports/ hobby / activities then someone has to be looking after the children to enable them to do it. And that if they do that, it impacts on family time.
Best to have open discussion around that, so as a couple you can find out what works for you.

I could have written this. I very much feel that I'm raising my daughter alone. The part where you said he uses tiredness as an excuse to get out of doing family orientated things but will happily go do something else is my partner to a tee. I've even asked him to suggest something we could all do and enjoy and he never comes with us. It honestly sucks so bad. He then has the audacity to say to me over certain things 'She's my daughter too' yeah okay mate, your daughter only when it suits you.

rebecca102 my OH is the same he tells me I act like she's only my child at times. Or he will complain that she has no interest in him but will only show interest in her when it suits him.
Just yesterday she kept asking him to go into the garden and play as I was cooking. He didn't, kept putting it off with other things as he was busy sitting on the sofa... He only got up and went out with her cause I pointed out to him that he was basically ignoring her. I have defo come to the conclusion that were very different parents.
DelphiniumBlue thank you for your comments and I will sit him and ask for some of his suggestions. We have had plenty of talks on this subject, even me saying how I feel we live so separately. I do understand that not everyone enjoys certain aspects of being a parent or even after having a child realise that maybe this isn't for you (his already told me he doesn't want anymore which sucks for me). But I'm the kind of person that ok that's how you feel but you decided to do this, you are a parent and an adult at that. These young years aren't for forever. Be there for her, put yourself aside, I do that on a daily basis. He gets plenty of time to do him and that's what irritates me. Because he acts like he never gets any down time yet is often home alone. On the shift work side of things I totally agree and I very rarely if ever suggest to do anything when he come off a night shift. In fact if I'm working my parents take her so he can rest and if I'm home we often go out so he can catch up on sleep. I don't expect him to be dead tired and come out with us but when his doing it to help a mate to fix a car or something it annoys me that he won't do that for his daughter or me. He of course doesn't see that.

Just because the child was planned doesn’t me he wants to be a father now. Sounds like he regrets it and isn’t very interested. Many men like the idea of being a father but when it actually happens they back track.

I think he needs alone time with her to bond.

Start going out alone once a week and leave them to it.

@Misskg1982
Omggg yes, my partner says also that our daughter has no interest in him. And that I'm her favourite, I have to explain that she doesn't show interest because you show her none. I make things fun like reading a book to her with enthusiasm and he will fly by every page so fast she just walks away. He doesn't even try and then complains about it. I also think him and I parent very differently. I can't even leave her with him for an extended amount of time because he doesn't even know how she likes her food because he has never tried and thinks it's my job.