To think my DB is far too neurotic?

[Projectbanjo]

He is so obsessed with everything being perfectly explained to his kids and I just think it’s far too much.
Like his 11 year old is allowed exactly 8 tictacs to count as his daily treat. He tells them the exact minutes they have before dinner every 5 minutes and counts down every 10 minutes until they need to go somewhere like “guys we are going to the supermarket in an hour 20 minutes” then “an hour and ten minutes guys”. Anyway I don’t question it for the most part because it’s just his own quirks but his kids tantrum often and now need everything properly explained to them like rather than saying they just can’t get a toy he will tell them exactly how much money he has left and places it’s to go.
He’s been doing it with my 9 month old for ageees now and I do not want her to be as fussy as his kids because of it.

When his kids aren’t with him he’s nothing like that, totally doesn’t over explain everything he does or that.

Would I BU to ask him to cut it out with my LO?

Well you could try but I doubt it would make any difference. He’s not necessarily doing anything wrong; it’s just his parenting style. I think you just have to ignore.

If it's a OCD type of thing that he needs to do, then telling him to cut it out won't make much difference.
Does he see your baby often? If so then maybe you need to say something, but don't hold your breath on him stopping. If it's only once in a while then leave him to it.

If his children are inclined to tantrum if they don't have notice then he has probably evolved his behaviour to suit them.

I know with dd1 she takes ages to get ready, so I will give her 15 minutes notice.
With dd2 she will drop everything and come without hesitation, but forget anything she needs, so my get ready notice is "dd2 time to get ready now, please can you remember to put your towel in the wash and bring your script"
And with ds, he is like your db's dc and needs notice, so I will pop a head in and say "15 minutes", "10 minutes" "Two minutes, time to log off and get your shoes on..."

None of the methods work especially well with the other dc. If I give dd2 too much notice, for example, she'll think "oh, I can just fit in " and be put out that she didn't finish it because to her mind she should have had enough time.

Yeah his kids have always been overly fussy so it could be something he developed to suit how they were.
Thing is he’s currently out of work so will be doing a lot of my childcare, I don’t think I can complain if he’s doing such a massive favour but also don’t want my LO to end up as reliant on everything being over explained as I just see it as excessive and somethings babies and kids just shouldn’t have to know like exact finances and stuff.
I do also think making a big show of stuff makes them inclined to want to try it like super bad juice that is really bad for you and you’ve never to touch ever ever (energy juice) and sparking a lighter going ouch and touching it over and over, seems like a fun game more than putting them off to me.

I don’t think you can ask him to do a lot of your childcare but at the same time ask him to do it to your exact specifications. He’s doing you a favour and if you don’t like it you can turn it down.

I think you also sound a bit neurotic, actually. You’re massively over-analysing his parenting style and over-estimating the impact it would have on your own child and you sound a bit over-anxious about it all.

Also, I’ve just seen your child is only 9 months old!? It really doesn’t matter how he talks to her. She doesn’t understand numbers or times or reason anyway. He could be reciting a speech from Hamlet to her for all she knows. You’re worrying about nothing.

I’m ridiculously over anxious about it, she’s been with me full time since day one and I’ve only spent 3 hours max away from her. Going back to work is making me crazy but I know she will be okay and I should calm myself

Sparking a lighter and going ouch is a very good way of showing small ones not to touch.
The most effective "do not touch this" I've seen involved the adult putting a pencil in and showing it got ripped to shreds. In classful of boys who were inclined to touch things where they had been told not to not one went near it after that.

I don't explain exact finances, however it is good for the children to know you're not holding a never ending money pot. There is nothing wrong with telling children "we don't have the money for that" or "if we get that we can't afford that". It helps them understand the world.

If he's doing child care because he's out of work then he's doing you a favour so you haven't got any legs to stand on in asking him to change it.
At 9 months you haven't got a clue yet what works well with your dc, or older dc. Lots of things you said you wouldn't ever do, suddenly you find they're very effective. Most people said at that stage they'd never bribe/blackmail their dc. Most people I know by about 2yo say it's a wonderful method of helping their dc to make good choices.

I suspect your worry about this is actually the worry about leaving her with someone that isn't you. If you were leaving them with someone else you'd be focusing on something else you don't like. They'll be fine.

@witchend I know your so right. Like I have reasons I’m refusing to leave her with other family even though they are capable I’m finding excuses. DD lovesss her uncle so I’m being pedantic and worrying over everything I shouldn’t.