Need advice from the hive - idiot brother’s reaction to sick mother

[pussincahoots]

Sigh.

I’m having a really shit time of it with everything going wrong around me and my defences are down which is why I’m posting about something I ordinarily wouldn’t ask for help with.

So, my mother has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I have a brother (lives several hours’ flight away) who decided his reaction to this was to go on holiday. Not surprising given his history of avoiding difficult issues. Since diagnosis there have been stays at hospital and now I am looking after her at home. This means I am away from my own family, including my son for the first time which has been very difficult, especially given he has recently started pushing me away in favour of his father who has historically left 99% of the parenting to me. Upsetting. But that’s another thread.

Said brother has barely bothered to check on mum since diagnosis. Then as soon as she was readmitted to hospital abruptly went off on holiday again. He had previously said he was unable to come and “help” because he had no time off work left.

He called today to say he had spoken to mum and she’d been short with him. He was pissed off and wanted reassurance from me that he was still the golden boy, I suppose. I asked him how his back-to-back holidays were, he accused me of being snarky then abruptly hung up.

Seems he (must have) felt guilted into booking a trip over as soon as he got off the phone to me as my mum called to tell me he’d called her back with his itinerary much to her surprise. It’s all a bit too little too late and my mum’s upset. So am I. Yet I know him well enough to know he’s going to make me the enemy in all of this to avoid dealing with his own shortcomings.

I’m too exhausted to deal with this on top of everything else that’s going on. Need some help with some simple, to-the-point ways to shut him down when he launches his attack so it ends there and then and doesn’t affect my mum or me. I’m not copping the brunt of his misdirected feelings of inadequacy this time.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum and the stresses you've both been under. I've lost a few close relations to cancer and they all received care at home. My dad had a district nurse coming home to give him his injections. We didn't have to do that or thw personal care as we had carers coming o the house to help with washing etc.

Can you or your brother contact Macmillan, Marie Curie or the hospital and ask what support there is available in your area. Maybe give this task for your brother while he's there. Maybe giving him a practical task might make him realise what you & your mum are up against. Draw up a list, hand him the phone and head home for a few days of rest.

www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/nursing-services/what-marie-curie-nurses-do

www.macmillan.org.uk/

I nursed my mother at home through the end of a terminal illness and it's very hard. It's hard watching your Mum deal with a horrible disease like cancer anyway, but being the main carer is exhausting. I also had to give her daily injections and it's very tough injecting someone you love.

Definitely grey rock his visit as much as possible. Make sure that you are looking after yourself - get the right food, and as much sleep as you can, and some fresh air daily.

Given it's only a few days I would suggest you email him that you are taking a break to spend with time your dh/dc. If he doesn't want to do the caring requirements tell him here are a few contacts for carers he could employ for the time. And then just leave him and your mother too it. Tell you mother that you are taking the opportunity for a rest and that any appointments she really cannot manage with you need to be rescheduled.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time, pussincahoots. Tell your .brother if he isn't willing to give your mother the care she needs then he needs to pay for someone to come in and do it as you need time to rest and recuperate and spend time with your husband and son.

@Cabingirl Again another thread, but I’ve been a carer before with a previous partner who was terminally ill so I’m sadly aware of what comes with it. Though I was a lot younger and childless then. I didn’t take care of myself then but I need to now.

@Gatepost1820 Thanks for the information. We’re not at the point we need such help now. Still early days since surgery and more tests needed before we know what the next steps are but I’ll definitely bear it in mind. I’m happy to do the injections. My brother will not ever agree to doing them and I know my mother doesn’t want to, even though she could. She’s also squeamish. It’s as much about being emotionally supportive as well as physically supportive. He’s just not able to do either.

@Yotam I’m not rescheduling any appointments. We both want to know how bad it is and get onto treatment as soon as possible.

If you want to keep this thing on the rails do the following:
Turn the other cheek, resist the temptation to get the snarky digs in at your brother
Your mother will love seeing him regardless of if he is useless or not.
Your mother will hate seeing you two argue with each other.
Your mother will hate being a burden on you.
Giving out to your brother, or dropping vicious hints won't make him leave his job and come home and look after your mother.
Avoiders will Avoid.
If you need help looking after your mother, your brother won't help so find another solution whether it's daily carers etc.
Another whole family drama seems to get played out in parallel to the person being sick.
Your own family members start acting out their feelings when your attention is taken off them and the sick person gets 'control' of you.
When a loved one is sick we get really angry and resentful and it's effing hard going no matter what. I've been there, rowing with siblings and it's horrible. Best of luck with it.

@Seaweed42 Thank you. Very well put. I learned all these lessons the hard way the first time I was a carer. But it’s interesting to see it wasn’t just my situation. And a few of them I had forgotten. So you have given me a timely reminder. My unfortunate snarky comment today will be my last and I very rock from here on in. Many thanks.

*grey rock from here.

Is anyone looking after you OP?

Hi OP,
I mean this in the most kind and supportive way but you say that you are away from your family and ill - however when suggestions are made that you take a few days respite e.g ask a community nurse to do the injection, ask your brother to help, request support from services you say no - no help is required.

If you won’t ask for or accept any help then the chances are that the strain you are under won’t change.

Your mum might be early in her diagnosis but if you are needing to be away from your family to care for her then you really need to be finding out what support she is entitled to. Your own health and family relationships may depend on it.

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

You said your brother lives several hours flight away, so realistically he's going to struggle to care for your Mum. Not tgat it should be all down to yoy either.

Not trying to stand up for him but is it possible the holidays were already booked? What stage cancer is your Mum at?

Well he lives a long way away. I ended up doing the caring for my mum (dementia, not cancer) despite my sisters living (a lot) nearer than your brother does - and in spite of her doubtlessly wishing it was anyone but me caring for her.

It's just life. Not their fault.

Imagine he doesn't exist (because for all practical purposes he doesn't), and be sure you get all the help you can from social services etc. If it all gets too much, look into her moving into residential or nursing care - and be clear that your brother does not get a say unless he is shouldering half the care burden.

Do not neglect your own life for this.

Could you have a discussion with your brother about whether you are both able to care for her or not. If he's not, could you look into her going into some sort of care? Of he works away, he may not be able to drop everything and do the same care you are giving. Not to say it should be down to you.

I'd tell him how delighted you are that he's finally visiting and that you're dying for a break and looking forward to handing over to him while he's here.

@TabbyMumz and others. It’s not really about my brother physically caring for my mum. It’s the fact he has made no effort to be any kind of support. Since the awful long night she ended up in emergency in agony almost a month ago and the subsequent days during her stay when we found out she has cancer, to the arrangements to have surgery and the subsequent hospital stay for that and her coming home now he’s made no effort. He’s called a couple of times and makes stupid jokes but doesn’t actually ask how she is or anything about what’s going on. Or he just talks about his trips. Complains about being tired from his action-packed holidays almost to the point he seems to want sympathy! Avoids the difficult topics almost completely.

Maybe it’s me, but if I knew my mother had just been diagnosed with cancer I’d be changing my plans. I wouldn’t be off having fun. In fact I took time off work at very short notice because I couldn’t leave her in hospital in agony by herself.

Even if he really has no holidays left, he has been very capable of coming over on weekends. There has been nothing to stop him from doing that and he takes impromptu weekend trips other places regularly. He also often works remotely so he doesn’t even need to physically go to work. He doesn’t have kids so he’s got all the time in the world for these trips of his. Just not to be with his sick mother because that’s too much of a downer.

And now he’s coming purely out of guilt but rather than question his own behaviour he’ll turn it around and be a shit to me. I suspect he’ll disappear to meet up with friends for most of his stay anyway.

Not that this is the same thing, but he was like this when I had my son. He happened to be in town already on a visit (not to see me!). Just before he left my mother dragged him into the hospital to see me and his new nephew. He clearly didn’t want to be there, said nothing, looked at neither of us and fell asleep in his chair. I’d just had a very traumatic birth.

As for the cancer, we don’t know what stage yet because they haven’t done enough testing. They’ve removed what they can and it’s being tested now. More scans will follow to see if it’s spread.

I’m hoping for the best, but I know we’ll have to look into help if things progress. It’s just that now’s not the time. Now we’re just trying to process what’s happened and find out the next steps while my mum recovers from surgery.

Firstly, I'm so sorry you and you mum are in this situation and I hope it is as good news as it can be with tests/ investigations/treatments.

I have been in similar situation to you several times with my parents and brother. Pps have said - you can't change/ control his actions. That's correct. You can only change your responses. I've worked out with my brother he cannot cope with illness/ caring etc and he lashes out at me. He's told me before ' I make bad things happen' because he doesn't understand that I step in when I can see things are not right and attend hospital appointments where I know bad news is about to be delivered, so I know parents would need my support. It's easier for him to lash out and blame others than deal with upsetting and distressing news. Stay neutral and know you are doing your best. Your mum will see what goes on with your brother even if she doesn't voice it out loud.

I have also been in the situation if caring for parents with a young family. Also very difficult. I went out on a cold winters night with a feverish baby to find a mobility aid my mum desperately needed. You are stuck in the middle. Please don't neglect your own needs you are the one holding it all together.

As much as you can ask for help - particularly for your mum's needs. If you can access carers to help then do, online shopping etc. Speak to her medical team and outline your other caring commitments and how your mum needs more support.

You have my sympathies, it's so difficult with family dynamics x

Some people just can't deal with bad news, and it sounds like he is like this, ie making jokes and talking about his holidays rather than asking how she is. He just can't face it. He also probably sees that you are doing so much so perhaps feels he isn't needed yet.

I'm so sorry about your mum, and hope that it is treatable.

Your brother is an arse. Can you keep busy by sending him shopping, making him cook for you all and wash up, hoover etc? He nereds to e seful or he's just more work for you.

OTOH, you could leave him with her for the day, with a schedule of what she needs and be fierce about it.

I admit, I would just let hm do whatever he does, but not provide meals for him or do any extra work unless he pitches in helpfully one way or another.