To think my sister is unkind and consider NC

[Stripyseagulls]

I used to be really close with my DSis but since I have had kids, things haven’t been great. She has never wanted a family and that’s fine but she’s quite mean to my kids.

We don’t live close so I don’t see her that often- she never comes to visit us ever & it’s been probably 5 years since the last visit. I try to keep a relationship going with my family & take my kids to visit. The last time we went up, she was so horrible to my kids that she reduced me to tears & I nearly left there & then. She treats them like an annoyance which upsets them too.

She will visit her friends all over the country but never us. I am at the point of stopping trying to maintain the family ties but I always wanted my kids to know their family as it’s not a very big one & we aren’t that close anymore.

Aibu to think she’s mean. I have never considered NC as family means a lot to me but the vibe from Dsis is that she doesn’t give a fuck actually. I am by nature a bit of a people pleaser to be honest but am increasingly hacked off with her behaviour.

What did she actually do/say, OP?

It's sometimes a good thing for children to know their family - but not always. This is one of the times when it isn't. I wouldn't bother going NC, since she doesn't keep up the relationship anyway - just let it slide, don't bother calling her or making any plans. She isn't a nice person and your lives have gone in different directions - just let yourself drift away instead of torturing yourself in the name of "keeping the family close".

All you need to do is let it slide 😊👍

I agree with ShippingNews, I’d just stop bothering to make any effort to see her and just naturally let the contact die down to a minimum - at family events such as weddings etc but I wouldn’t bother with trying to see her one-on-one.

If your sister isn’t a particularly kind person then it’s not really benefiting your DC to try and keep her as someone regularly in their life.

What does she bring to their lives? If it's all negative then I would be making zero effort to be around her.

Have you spoken to her? If maybe take a make or break approach to a chat, just the 2 of you, to see what the issue is and whether it can be resolved.

Failing that, I'd not want my children around someone who was so unpleasant to them.

Sometimes I feel bullied by her and the last time we were there, when she reduced me to tears, was a bit like that. I’m an emotional sensitive person & she’s quite hard. The kids were really upset at the time & it’s made me wary

What exactly is it she did that reduced you to tears OP?

It's hard to know without hearing why she finds your children annoying and what she has said. If she is just generally unpleasant and says mean things then YANBU. If your children run around screaming and wreck everything they touch while you sit there smiling at them indulgently then maybe she has a point.

Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe she doesn't see how much she's upsetting you and you should make it clear to her that she won't be involved in your DC lives if she is always negative

Also 'reducing someone to tears' is nto really a gauge. Some people cry at the drop of a hat. Some people cry if anyone disagrees with them. Tears don't always make you the victim.

I'm going to state the blindingly obvious: don't go and visit with the children. She's horrible, the children suffer, you're obviously upset.

But not going to visit with the children is not the same as 'no contact'. Again, stating the obvious, that means no contact. No Christmas or birthday cards, no attending family events that she will be at, etc.

Reading between the lines, I don't think you want to go that far (yet). So, don't take the children to visit. You might want to think about a weekend visit by yourself. You may want to keep in touch generally.

I don't understand why you're on here posting all this, why don't you just take the hint and stop bothering with her?
it's as if you're trying to make her behave the way you want her to, she never will, just give up and turn your back

Is she just not very child orientated?

I have family members who are childless and just don't enjoy being around children.

I know as a mum it hurts when family members don't want to engage with our children but you can't force someone too.

It depends on the context. For example, if her home isn't child-proofed (and why should it be) and she got cross because you were letting your kids run riot, then YABU. If she was just crabby and mean then obviously YANBU. What actually happened?

Sister or not I wouldn't let her upset me or my kids.
Sounds like a bully and possibly jealous.
Keep away and tell her why if she bothers to ask.

My brother thinks I'm appalling with his kids because when I look after them I make them say please and thank you; refuse to let them order something else after they had one bite of a meal, won't let them put shoes on my sofa, stop them screeching in public or barging in front of other people.

He says the kids are miserable with me but has no problem with me taking them for weekends and they always rush up to me asking me to have them for a weekend or take them away - although they don't get more food 20 minutes after being too full.

Nobody in my family wanted to see my brother and SiL arriving, as they allowed their children to run riot. Any attempt to get their children to play quietly was taken as 'being horrible'. Are your children quiet, or noisy?

Perhaps your sister just doesn't like children? That's allowed...

Maybe your kids are brats.

Does she live with your parents or do you visit her house? If she's with parents then I'd still visit them, assuming they are welcoming, or invite them to yours for a few days. If she's being a bitch, simply tell her you've had enough of her nastiness and to fuck off. If she persists or tries to start an argument just keep telling her calmly, while smiling, to fuck off. She won't expect it from you if she's always been a bully. You're an adult, you don't have to put up with her. Obviously if you visit her house then just stop. You don't have to be NC but you can be very LC.

She sounds jealous !! Leave her be, it's her that's missing out in the long run! I'd love to be an aunty!

She and my brother sound very alike. I am always particularly bemused by pictures of him on days out with his friends with their own children. I stopped getting in touch with my brother as such I see him maybe once a year at family events. I send him and his wife birthday cards and Christmas cards, they only do Christmas.
It's much less disappointing for me. I have the odd moment of sadness that my children would walk past him and not recognise him but it's not my doing.

We can't answer whether she is mean as you haven't given any specifics. I know it takes almost nothing to make me cry!

Whether to stay in touch with her though is easier- you're obviously getting nothing from this relationship so why would you?

I think without context on what she's does and what's she's said it's impossible to say!

We don't have children yet (expecting our first) and when my brother comes over with his, he almost absolves himself of any parental duty and they run riot-shoes on furniture, taking food onto sofa and dropping it. After we painted our hallway, I found them lying on their backs with their feet on the walls having been outside

We eventually spoke and he accused me of not liking his children. I explained it from my POV and that I loved them very much but didn't want to parent them and wished he would take more notice of what their destroying! Things have been much better since then (and I'm sure our house will be destroyed after the arrival of our first!)

Have no idea If YABU without the context

*they're

She sounds jealous !! Leave her be, it's her that's missing out in the long run! I'd love to be an aunty!

Jealous of what do you think?

OP without being told what your sister did to make you cry it's difficult to tell whether you should go NC or not.