To be sick of colleague constantly bad mouthing me to others?

[Turndownforshallot]

I work in a relatively small office, I get on with all of my colleagues and do a good job. I’m never late, haven’t called in sick in over a year, never leave early and I’m friendly to everyone I work with.
However. There is a woman I work with who is constantly bitching about me to other members of staff. It started off with her;
complaining about my DP- saying how he’s this and that.
Then it moved on to my living arrangements.
Now it’s how I spend my money.
I have other colleagues who hear her saying these things about me, and in turn they tell me. One colleague has even hinted that she has said something about my DD, but didn’t say exactly what she’d said. It was more a case of “she’ll slag off anything, even your kid”. I feel like I can’t confront her as 1) it will drop the people who have been telling me what’s she said in the shit, and will cause problems for them, and
2) she’ll deny saying these things point blank.

I used to laugh it off and put it down to her being bored, having a boring life, and just being overall a bitter person. But she’s constantly bitching about me, and if she HAS said anything about DD then that’s the line. I don’t know what to do about it, it’s pissing me off hearing about the things she’s saying, especially as I haven’t done anything to deserve the constant nit-picking. I feel like looking for another job, and upon handing in my notice, telling my manager that she and she alone is the reason I’m leaving.
WWYD? AIBU to be bothered by this? I’m late 20’s, she’s late 50’s/early 60’s.

That’s a good idea actually, I could ask the eavesdropper co-worker to record her and then I’d have solid evidence which she couldn’t deny.
It would be hard for me to get back to the office and confront her in the act of her bitching, I finish my shift at 2am. As soon as I leave the office she starts up, but by the time I’ve got home it’s 2:30am and I don’t really want to go back to work at that time in the morning.

didnt everyone else in the office back up MC when BC denied it all? This was the chance for it to have been dealt with once and for all

Could you school all co workers to say 'and that affects Turndown's ability to do her job - how, exactly?'

It shouldn't matter if you are living in your car with a drag queen, if it doesn't affect your ability to work. It might just point out that everyone knows that everything BC says is hearsay and shitstirring.

I'd record her and take it to HR too.

Just confront it and tell her to stop talking about you!

It's unlikely the OP would hear it herself, @TheStoic.

In a small office, where this is apparently happening constantly, I think it would be unlikely that she wouldn’t.

I’d ask your colleague not to tell you what the woman is saying, and I’d just get on with my job. You all know what she’s like.

Is the person telling you doing so because they don't know what else to do? Given she's older than them and possibly intimidating them?

Intimidating to them

OP apart from the "doesn't anyone get any work done in your office?" question, and sorry to say it so directly, but you really need to take back control on talking about your private life at work. The only way to protect yourself from gossip is to not allow yourself to be the cannon fodder for others.

All workplace environments have the potential to be toxic, it just needs one nasty "bad apple" like this BC to sour an otherwise reasonable team of people. A bit of idle gossip can soon become targeted bullying and unfortunately you've given away enough info to this BC for it to be grist to the mill. In short don't make close friendships with people at work, it never ends well!

No way in a million years would I ever share sensitive information like a partner's gambling addiction, it opens the door to gossip, judgement and speculation.

Irrespective of how this resolves, try to think how to modify your behaviour to protect yourself in future.

OP google grey rock, ensure all interactions are emailed and bring all conversations to work.

Stop encouraging her to target you by reacting and gossiping about her as well she is not worth your time, be professional and civil and that is it.

I'm inclined to agree with @ControversialFerret. Workplaces usually have a zero-bullying tolerance these days. Bar your manager have you got an HR department you can voice your concerns with?

If this isn't an option you can pull this bully aside and ask her if what you've been hearing (no need to mention any names) is true? She'll probably deny it but it might be worth a shot? Say you're going to talk to your manager if she's doesn't pipe down.

In the meantime look for another job. Life's too short to spend (most of your working life) with unpleasant colleagues.

Thanks all for the comments and advice. I agree, I really dropped the ball by discussing personal problems at work. It’s definitely taught me a lesson and I won’t be so loose-lipped again. I may have to bite the bullet and ask her directly if what I’ve heard is true, I’ve got a feeling it will go down like a lead balloon but worth a shot!

Don’t ask her if it’s true, she’ll just deny it.

You and as many colleagues as possible need to start calling her out on her behaviour. Every time she says something mean about someone reply with something like “that’s not a very nice thing to say” or “does he/she know you’re telling people this?” or “what he/she does outside work is none of your business.”. If she’s not getting positive attention and encouragement she’ll soon stop.

Hi OP

If it was just you she was saying things about I think I'd do something. From your updates it appears she is just a nasty gossip and will bitch about anyone and everyone behind their back.

It sounds like people have got the measure of her and given what's happened when other people have confronted her they have decided to ignore her.

I would too. Just remember that whenever she says anything about you, she is just making herself look bad. Nobody cares about what she is saying about you. It will be obvious you're not friends and that she is making stuff up.

If your friend records her make sure he is prepared to be dragged into it all and have a meeting with HR about spying on staff members etc!

I mentioned using ubereats to order waffles for DD ages ago, which has translated to me “using Uber’s to order cakes and waffles all the time!”.

I’d be really tempted to get an Ubereats order of cakes and waffles into the office one day.

Honestly in my experience every workplace has at least one, sometimes a group, of women who spend far too much time bitching and sneering at everyone. My current workace has a little tribe of 20s and 40-50s year old women who spend their entire break times slagging off everyone from the co workers to the cleaner. It's disgusting.

The way I've found to deal with it is to ignore them and be pleasant and professional to their faces. I dont give a flying fuck if they trash talk me behind my back if I know I'm being a good person to them.

Go up to her and tell her if you have anything to say about me then say it to my face.
If not then shut the f... up.
She sounds like a bully too.

DO NOT RECORD HER!
Not unless YOU want to be fired/disciplined for violating her right not to be filmed/recorded without her direct permission.
You will also fall foul of workplace rules re privacy, confidentiality and personal safety.

There's enough witnesses to this shit already - so take it straight to HR.
Let them deal with the bullying - cos that's what it is.

You dont need permission to record. You can walk into a bank and record people (I work in a bank we are briefed on this all the time) and no one can do anything about it. So you could sit there and record her but you wont catch anything because shes a cowardly bully who does it behind your back.

A bank is a public space.....your workplace/office isn't and there is the privacy of other people to consider too....
Don't believe me if you don't want to....just go and risk your job....

Best approach from here on in, @Turndownforshallot is to be the bigger person, regain your composure and blank her, other than a non-descript "morning" and smile.

You sound like you've had some personal challenges to deal with, and you need to keep your strength, energy and focus only on you and your family.

Remind yourself every day that people at work are not there to be friends with, albeit there's no harm in supporting each other "with smiles and cakes" and try to make it a pleasant and professional place to do your job. Anything beyond that is not in your job description.

And I would definitely not open the can of worms by asking BC what she did or didn't say. That's done and dusted, don't give her the satisfaction of showing that you care. If after a while she tries to suck you back in, resists it at all costs, continue with the calm, smiley on the outside icy cold on the inside approach

Oops thank you! No recording will take place.

Did she stop gossiping about MC after he called her out on it? If she did, then I'd be inclined to do that too. Call her out in public. It doesn't matter how much she denies it, everyone else knows what she's like, and if it stops her gossiping about you, then it will be worth it.

Also, if others have seen MC, and you calling her out, they might do so too.

Take it to HR. Such a shame this is happening. These bitter idiots really spoil the work environment. I used to work with two people, both my senior, who would literally spend the entire day bitching about anyone and everything. One was a director and the other a head of dept. Made me sick. All the whispering and snickering. Two faced bitches who felt they were far more superior to everyone else.
HR will be able to advise on the best course of action. If any of your colleagues would be willing to come forward and say what they heard to back you that would be great.