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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPex constantly demanding more

25 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 24/08/2019 09:26

So for context I have 2 Dc and they live with me and go to there dads EOW, my DF has 2 DC and we have them 50/50-so 3 nights one week and 4 the next. DF ex claims all child benefits and tax credits for both children and no maintenance is paid.
Ex is constantly wanting us to either find things or change days to suit her and messaging me when he says it’s not possible and it’s getting to me. Latest is she wants us to buy all school uniform for when they are at both houses as she has booked a 2 weeks holiday without kids and is skint (she works) so when we say no we buy it for us house and go half’s on shoes, coats bags she has hit the roof and called us unfit parents etc. She wanted us to pay half for there holiday to a caravan with her this summer despite us taking them away and booking there first holiday abroad early next year which we have rightfully fully funded plus both passports.
There is no let up and it’s getting to me we are made to feel shit when I think actually she gets benefits and only feeds and clothes them 50% of the time so that money should go towards things like shoes and coats. Today she messaged saying she wants a week away with her friends in Nov (4th holiday abroad this year with no kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsalltoomuch19 · 24/08/2019 09:30

Pressed to soon....
And can we have them these dates which as usual she can’t book it on our days when we have them and it’s always the day they are due to go home and I have said it’s not possible as I have major surgery booked for that day which will have a 4-5 night hospital stay so my children are being looked after by my mum so that week isn’t possible. Well I have been told how selfish and disgusting I am and how I should be ashamed of myself- please say I am not be unreasonable to refuse this latest request/ demand as we have a genuine reason

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 24/08/2019 09:35

She sounds vile. Ignore her ranting

Lifeisabeach09 · 24/08/2019 09:43

Why are you dealing with her? Let your DF do it. Sounds like he is good at saying 'no.'
YANBU, however, your partner should be dealing with it.

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2019 09:44

Ignor, do not engage.

Sorry not possible.
Do you think she will go and not be home for the children?

BookwormMe2 · 24/08/2019 09:47

You need to block her number or at least tell her she should be talking to your fiancé about the arrangements and financial matters for THEIR kids. Your fiancé should tell her that too, or is it more convenient for him that she takes her anger out on you and not him?

Original poster
Itsalltoomuch19 · 24/08/2019 09:58

He does tell her no but she will then text 10-15 times going on and ringing and ringing so he stops replying. He doesn’t want to tell her what my surgery is for so told her I have an operation so those dates are not possible and is now away on a friends stag do so isn’t replying to her bombardment so she starts on me which is what happens every time.
Yes I am worried she will just not collect them that date as she has done similar before and this is a big op and I have a lot of anxiety around operations so picked the week around the kids schedule so my partner could come

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 24/08/2019 10:01

Suggest if she cannot cope you will have kids full time and she can have access EOW -

angell84 · 24/08/2019 10:02

Why does she have your number. Whem I had a boyfriend with a child, I never spoke to his ex at all. At all. He sorted out everything with her. Change your number and tell your partner to deal with her. They are his kids

angell84 · 24/08/2019 10:03

Similiarly, when my parents broke up, my mother and my father's new girlfriend ( girlfriend for 20 years), never once spoke to each other.
He and my mother arranged everything to do with us children.
Put your foot down, stand up for yourself. You do not have to deal with her

thebakerwithboobs · 24/08/2019 10:15

She doesn't need your number tbh. Block her unless you have her children with you and get your other half to deal with it (what is DF by the way? Am I being thick??) She sounds grabby and vile.

Darkbloom · 24/08/2019 10:54

Urgh! Why are ex's so difficult. She just sounds bitter

LannieDuck · 24/08/2019 11:22

If she keeps pushing you to pay for half her holiday, work out what your holiday with the kids is costing, and offset her bill against half your cost. Especially if yours is more expensive... ;)

DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/08/2019 11:30

@thebakerwithboobs I believe it's Dear/Darling Fiancé.

Original poster
Itsalltoomuch19 · 24/08/2019 12:31

I won’t ever be paying half her holiday as we have taken them away numerous times and would never dream of asking her to pay as we take them as we want to enjoy time away with them. Even when she was on holiday with them we didn’t get a break as his DS5 was naughty (tantrum for own way, to be honest he is prone to it) and she want partner to step in and sort it, he offered to talk to child on phone but that wasn’t enough despite her being 4 hours away.
He just ignored her rants but every now and then will cave just for an easy life so next week will pay for both sets of costs and shoes etc but to me that’s why she goes on as she can get away with doing nothing, the other side is of course we don’t want the DC to have the right shoes starting back st school!
Today I have turned all my read receipts off and online status and ignored everything as it’s never ending, but to be honest it always is as soon as it’s her time with the kids she is constant text and phone but when we have never she never bothers. She has my number as I sometimes do drop offs and she doesn’t drive so if the are ill and need drs etc and partner can’t grt back from work I help

OP posts:
ems137 · 24/08/2019 12:43

More fool him then if he just gives in. He needs to grow a back bone and start putting his foot down and not dancing to her tune so much.

As a previous poster said, maybe she can't handle 50/50 and you need to have them more and she can have contact on a weekend?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2019 12:58

Claim CB for one of his DC, stupid not to. Pay for the uniform you need and ignore her ranting. Block her number and tell DP you’ve done so.

There’s no need to engage with batshittery so just stop and save yourself the hassle.

Polly111 · 24/08/2019 13:00

She sounds like a nightmare! Surely that level of contact counts as harassment? Can you get a cheap £10 payg phone with a different number just for her then you can have some sort of control over when she contacts you I.e she can only contact you when you have or are just about to go collect kids.

I think your df needs to put his foot down with her re uniform and holidays etc.

Waveysnail · 24/08/2019 13:06

How old are the kids?

LakieLady · 24/08/2019 13:25

Is she training for a piss-taking championship? She sounds vile.

Block, ignore, but don't engage with her. Some people seem to think that if they ask often enough they will eventually get the answer they want. They need to learn that no means no.

Original poster
Itsalltoomuch19 · 24/08/2019 13:26

The kids are 11 and 7

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 24/08/2019 14:40

Tell her if she pays for half the uniform and half of the kids share of your holiday you will pay for half their share on hers. Point out that you would like the child benefit for one child as its 50 50 so that would be the fare option. Also point out you have plans to go on a shopping spree for yourselves next month so she will need to fund their food etc for their time with you. When she says no tell her we'll then don't expect us to pay your share and call us unfit when your the one not providing for your kids because you spent it on something that's not required.

fargo123 · 25/08/2019 10:48

Can you put in a claim for half the child benefits without her permission? If so, do that. It's obscene that she's greedy enough to expect the full amount when she only has them half the time.

Thehop · 25/08/2019 11:12

You need to claim child benefit for one child yourself. In 50/50 care that’s how they split it.

Also tell tax credit office you gave them 50/50 incase you are eligible. Ignore her.

whattodowith · 25/08/2019 11:16

I think with a 50:50 split both of you are entitled to tax credits and CB although I’m not entirely sure how it works. You should contact tax credits and enquire, it seems unfair that she gets it all with a split down the middle like that.

Ignore her ranting, block her number and ask your OH to engage with her. I have never contacted my exH’s DP, I never would. The access arrangements and things like uniform are between her and your OH, you should be kept out of it.

Fairenuff · 25/08/2019 12:56

Just stop engaging with her. Block her number.

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