Overall I have a happy life and I know I’m lucky compared to a lot of people but everyone is allowed to feel blue at times aren’t they?
I have a chronic condition that has been stable for a very long time but I had an unexpected relapse three weeks ago and now everything has had to change and I’m struggling to cope with it. I’m putting on a smile, acting like I’m ok, whereas in reality I feel quite low.
One of the after effects of my relapse is that I have had to relinquish my driving licence and after being signed off sick I’m due back at work next week and me not being able to get there and back without my car is now going to put huge strains on my parents who are going to have to taxi me around.
My friends and family don’t live local and losing my licence is going to have a huge impact on how often I will be able to see them. I just feel sad about how my life is going to have to change.
I’ve recently done some training (a 3 month course) to do volunteer work in something I’m really passionate about and now I’m not going to be able to do that anymore because without my car I can’t get to where I need to be, or get to my son’s childminders house to drop him off to enable me to go. (She was going to have my youngest for 2 hours at a time as I can’t have him with me whilst I volunteer).
It took me 9 years to get my driving licence - due to the peaks and trough of my condition - and so to hand it back has left me feeling a bit empty.
I’m having to figure out how to live with the condition alongside being a parent to two young children because there can be serious implications for them. Last time my condition was active it was just me so I never had to worry about the impact it had on others whereas now I’m also filled with worry about my children.
I’ve got to be risk assessed at work and restrictions are going to be put on me. I can understand this, truly, but it’s just another way I’m being made to feel that I’m not going to be able to be ‘me’ anymore.
It’s like being back at square one, when I was first diagnosed and my life was ruled by my condition (before it was controlled) and I hate it.
I feel myself getting angry with my DH every time he gets in his car to drive off somewhere to do something he wants to do because I can’t do that anymore.
I recently missed out on a promotion and then a few days ago one of my colleagues (who I really like) rang me to let me know she’s had a promotion. I have recently come to terms that I won’t be having another baby as DH didn’t want a third (no problem) and now in the last 48 hours, two of my colleagues have announced they’re pregnant.
It feels like everyone else’s lives are moving forwards whilst mine has taken 10 steps backwards. I’m not jealous of my colleagues, but I do feel sad they have such happiness and joy in their lives at the moment whilst I feel so low and like I’m losing everything and gaining nothing.
This is probably a first world problem Pity Party, but I am feeling sorry for myself and it’s getting worse. It probably doesn’t help that I’m pretending to everyone that I’m ok but if I was honest with people they’d probably think I was just being dramatic.
I just feel so sad and scared because of the uncertainty about how things may be for me now.
Has anyone else been in a slump and gotten themselves out of it?
I’m sitting here with my youngest, whose the most amazing little thing, but if I allowed myself to, I know I could just start crying.