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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want him to go away

17 replies

Wineiscooling · 23/08/2019 23:42

Ok, new on here and still don't know the abbreviations so bear with me.
There's probably loads more info I could give but don't want to give too much.
Earlier on in the year my DH surprised me with a weekend away to Ibiza with some friends which he'd arranged with them as a surprise for me. He's put me through a hellish few years for various reasons but mainly because of his mental health and the stress that brings and he said at the time it was a thank you and I deserved it.
I was (quietly) angry at the time as I know we can't afford it and although it wasn't paid for on a credit card we have massive credit card debts which that money should've gone on paying. However I acted grateful and of course had a lovely time away with my lovely friends.
Another reason I never would have booked this weekend with my friends is because I know my husband's friends were planning a weekend away and I know we can't afford us both to go away and I know it's unreasonable for just me to have a weekend away and not him so my decision was we both wouldn't have these weekends away, however when he surprised me with mine he assured me it was no ulterior motive other than I deserve it and he would not be wanting to go away.
So.... Bear with me.....my husband now tells me there's a free place on this weekend away with the boys, someone dropped out, all he needs is 80 pounds for name change and spends.
AIBU to say no!
Some more background, we have 2 children, he works full time, my contracted hours are part time but I'm working every extra I can to try and get debts down. We had a holiday of a lifetime earlier in the year with the kids but put a lot more on credit than we thought we would and have finally sat down a few weeks a go and gone through finances and realised if we are tight with money and I work my arse off for the next few months every extra I can we might just not sink and can claw our way out of this debt.
So am I right to say no he shouldn't go or as I had a nice weekend away with girls should I let it go and say yes? Bearing in mind next year things will be different financially, I won't go abroad but his friends go every year so he can go then? He'll probably need 300 pounds spends. I'm feeling so angry right now he's even thinking of it knowing the stress I feel about money and how hard I'm (we're) working to clear debt.
You can be honest, I can take it!

OP posts:

Wherearemycrayons · 23/08/2019 23:51

I think YABU to be honest. You’re worrying about £80 when you’ve just put yourself further into debt for ‘the holiday of a lifetime’ surely it should have been more appropriate to wait and save for that rather than enjoy yourself and worry about the debt later?
I think to be honest you both sound a bit like you’ve got your priorities wrong but as you’re seemingly in a fair bit of debt, you can’t really argue the point of £80.

Wherearemycrayons · 23/08/2019 23:52

Having said that, I should of read the full OP, £380?! You aren’t being so unreasonable in that case!

Original poster

Wineiscooling · 23/08/2019 23:54

I agree partly but it's the spends as well, 300 pounds. Although I agree we've both been daft with money and it's bad timing we'd just sat down a few weeks a go and agreed on our stupidity and worked out a tight financial plan to get out of it.

OP posts:

lifecouldbeadream · 24/08/2019 06:33

Can he find a way to earn the £380 extra? Sell stuff? Work an evening job?

KatherineJaneway · 24/08/2019 06:44

YANBU. You both need to stop spending beyond your means and this is a prime example of the type of expense that can be easily avoided especially as you've just had a major holiday this year anyway.

Also, there is no guarantee that spending money will be capped as what he has quoted you.

AmIThough · 24/08/2019 06:50

YANBU but don't just say no - he'll use it against you.
Say "yeah no problem - how are you going to raise the funds without dipping into the family money?"
If he's willing to sell his stuff, let him go. Otherwise he'll realise you can't afford it and can't blame you.

AsTheWorldTurns · 24/08/2019 06:53

I'd be irritated as fuck.

Did you people not see that one of the reasons she opted out of the Ibiza trip is that she knew they couldn't afford for OP's husband to go away with his friends and he did it anyway?

I might be feeling slightly biased because I'm currently on a beach holiday and have been here way, way too long and would like nothing more than to be back in Old Blighty.

Chitarra · 24/08/2019 06:54

£300 seems like a lot of spending money for one person in one weekend? Could that be a compromise- he can go if he keeps his spending money down to (say) £120 (ie £200 for the whole trip)?

Snowflake9 · 24/08/2019 06:59

DH shouldn't go. It's selfish for him to even think he can dip into the family pot for a weekend bender with the boys.

Yes I quite believe that it will be £300+ for spending money and I doubt he wants to be that guy, the one who only has £100 to spend so can't do certain activities, or get a round in etc.

Some people don't even get one break away for the year, let alone 3!

Tell him, if he wants to raise the cash himself he could go (but why wouldn't he do this to clear the family debt I don't know) sounds about time he grew up a bit and out his family and finances first.

historysock · 24/08/2019 07:15

I don't think £300 is a lot for spending money on a boozy weekend to Ibiza. Water costs about a fiver never mind anything else.

He is being unreasonable in wanting to go though. He can't afford it. I'd be annoyed at him failing to realise that, and tearing you like his Mother. He shouldn't even need to ask and put you in the position of being the fun sponge who has to say no to things.

Neither of you should be going on big holidays or weekends away if you are in huge amounts of debt. Boring but there it is. It sounds simple but It took me a long while to work or that If I can't afford it I just shouldn't do it-annoying as it is.
You are rightly working your arse off to pay it off. Of course he shouldn't be pissing off on expensive weekends away. It's totally disrespectful.

KingscoteStaff · 24/08/2019 07:22

Of course he can go. He just needs to work out how he’s going to pay for it. Overtime? Sell something?

Original poster

Wineiscooling · 24/08/2019 08:11

Thank you for the honest answers. And yes I am annoyed he's put me in this position. He knows I'll feel bad to say no, especially as I went away with my friends. I am feeling like a fun sponge and feel he should've just took the decision not to go and not mentioned it at all. I am feeling a bit like he's manipulating me emotionally because he knows I'm going to feel guilty (rightly or wrongly) and if he goes on about it enough I will cave.
My answer to him yesterday was "if you think you can afford it and I won't be having to use my credit card at the end of the month because we're skint then go" but even if he can find the money (it's his birthday soon and his mum always gives him money) I still think any extra money should go off credit cards until we've paid a big chunk off.

OP posts:

Goodlookingcreature · 24/08/2019 08:20

YABU to expect him to put any extra money off the debt at the expense of quality of life. I absolutely wouldn’t allow him use any cash you’ve budgeted or planned out on a holiday, but if he can raise the 380 pounds himself without making the family worse off, I’d leave him go.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/08/2019 08:28

Let him go and use his birthday money.

Daft decision to take a holiday of a lifetime when it meant getting into debt. Sounds like you are living outside your means with working part time and luxury holidays.

ShowOfHands · 24/08/2019 08:38

@AsTheWorldTurns you might want to read the op again

sackrifice · 24/08/2019 08:49

Neither of you can afford holidays at the moment.

He was wrong to splash out on one for you and then guilt trip you into one for him.

chamenanged · 24/08/2019 09:30

Did you people not see that one of the reasons she opted out of the Ibiza trip is that she knew they couldn't afford for OP's husband to go away with his friends and he did it anyway?

Maybe try a reread before giving off to the rest of 'us people'

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