To ask for sensitive financial information?

[Bouncebacker]

DH came from a family with no money worries, money was a big worry when I was growing up and a huge worry when my parents separated in my pre teen/ early teen years. His parents currently have 7 bedrooms and an indoor swimming pool, plus a holiday home, between them in separate houses my parents can muster three bedrooms and a damp patch ....

We can’t talk about money. We have enough (comfortable house, holidays, new car, no debt except the mortgage) but I find it really difficult to have conversations about budgeting/ overspending. He earns at least double what I could do if I worked full time, and I don’t - we have two Young DCs and I’ve worked freelance for a few years now. I feel an inadequate part of the partnership
Financially. He gets frustrated because I avoid conversations, I don’t really register what he shows me on his gazillion spreadsheets, and we have fallen into a pattern where I check with him before I spend anything (significant, not coffees or ice lollies!) and he always says yes. This really isn’t working, as it’s still ‘my fault’
(My perception) when we overspend - I advocate responsibility by asking him - he wants me to take equal responsibility for budgeting and spending and I want to do that too - but I don’t really know how. It’s a source of stress. I’d love to hear how you manage finances successfully as a couple - do you use an app / spreadsheet/ accounts book? How do you record spending and track against a budget? How do you set budgets? Do you have financial ‘meetings?’ When? How? Can you do it without circular arguments or blame? With wine or without wine?

So
AIBU to want to be better at managing money and have less emotional conversations about budgeting?

I know a few people who have been on budgeting classes when being switched to universal credit as part of debt management.

I know you're not on benefits but that may not be a requirement for the courses and even it was, you might be able to phone and be given info on the course costs etc. That might be useful for you to learn how.

I have the same issue and so I'm no help but I'm right here with you

Yes you need to get better at this. Will a different format help you understand the finances (rather than the gazillion spreadsheets?). What are your maths skills like? is that the source of the issue?

Accountancy for beginners:
X+Y+Z=
X+Y-Z=
X-Y-Z=

We have different savings pots for different long term and short term plans, this helps DH who is more visual. We also have a set amount each, each month to spend on anything we please, so you never feel guilty about whether that slight splurge was affecting something else, it's ring fenced for fun. DH want good with money when we first met, he's now so much better, but I organise our finances generally. We do tally about it though regularly, and it took some time for him not to feel hideously uncomfortable. I remember saying to him why do you look like you're about to have a tooth pulled? I've just told you we've saved more than planned so far this year, as X cost less than budgeted and we can afford an extra holiday if you want! This is good news! He finally relaxed. I think sometimes it becomes ingrained to feel uncomfortable talking about finances if it's made you feel uncomfortable for some reason in the past, eg debt, lack of financial independence and so on.

When I say pots I mean accounts, not actual pots of money.

Well OP if you don’t talk to him about it how can anyone help?

I’m a sahm, and we have two joint accounts, various joint saving accounts, and our own personal current accounts. All money gets paid in to one of our joint accounts, and is left in there to pay bills, and I transfer x amount to our other joint account for day to day spending, and x amount to our various savings according to our budget, and we both have an equal amount per month for spending purely on ourselves and our hobbies.

Any major purchases we discuss (say over £100) and I figure out the best price because I have the patience to search for discount codes, topcashback etc. I also come up with the budget every new year, after we’ve had our annual chat about what our financial goals are for the year.

The separate Spends joint account seems to work well for us, there’s no confusion of whether a bill has gone out or not - the money in there is for day to day expenses.

I think you need to look at the gazillion spreadsheets in your own time, rather than with him “showing” you them.

You need to know:

How much money is coming into your household each month
What are your essential expenses each month
How much money is there in all your accounts

Household purchases over and above every day expenses (holidays, new furniture, new cars etc) should be discussed and agreed together.

You should each have personal money for clothes, gifts and other personal spending. You should each have approx the same amount for this and it would be good to discuss and agree a reasonable amount per month so that you don’t have to keep checking back with him.

If you always have a rough idea of how much money is in your accounts and whether you are currently operating within your budget, you can avoid having to have the emotional conversations. Under your circumstances, monthly “financial meetings” sound like a nightmare!

Does filling in something like this make things more understandable for you OP?

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Print off a few copies and have a go at seeing where the money is spent and if you could save more in some areas etc.

You seem like a perfect candidate for Scott Pape. He’s very good and really wants you to be positive about managing your own life.
barefootinvestor.com/

He’s very big on date nights with each other where you calmly check in with each other and has techniques to manage your stress about it.

Have a joint pot for bills and house stuff.
The rest should be savings and spendies 😊

We have a budgeting spreadsheet that keeps track of overall money in and money out, savings and big purchases (eg holidays, car, house). DH is the one in charge of it, but I understand it as well.

We’re both naturally quite careful with money and have a good joint income so overspending isn’t usually an issue for us. Definitely no arguments / blame involved - we’re a partnership.

I don’t really understand your first paragraph. Surely if you grew up in financial hardship it should be more important to you to budget carefully and discuss money, not less? Or are you saying that the fact your parents didn’t do this (or teach you to do it) was part of the reason why they struggled financially?

We use YNAB.

It has changed our lives.

We can easily see what is coming in, what we’ve allocated it for and whether the budget is there for it.

We’re both on the same page, generally under £100- no discussion needed, over £100- what are our priorities.

There may be other envelope style apps that do the same job. We’ve been using it for 5 years now and I can honestly say, we’ve never been more organised about our finances.

We don't budget as such. The money that's left after everything is paid is split into our own accounts and spent how we please.

We have a joint account where all bills and food shopping is paid from. An amount is taken from there each month (set up as a standing order) to our joint savings for birthdays, Christmas and car repairs for both of us.
We then divide what’s left between us so I know what I’ve got to spend. I tend to add more from mine to other savings ‘pots’ for other things like holiday spending, clothes etc.
I’m betrer with money so I take the lead.

Another advocate of YNAB here - life-changing! You can jointly decide priorities/budgets and see at a glance what money is where.
The app makes it dead easy to track spending.

Try The Barefoot Investor (Scott Pape) - maybe just google it rather than buying the book, as it’s not written for the UK. But his method of having monthly ‘date nights’ - where you take stock of your finances - has helped us have more productive conversations about money.

Thirding the advice to look at YNAB (You Need A Budget) - if your DH really like spreadsheets I'm sure he might go for it and the app is great for you to check spending decisions without needing to ‘ask permission’. They also have heaps of advice on their blog about having ‘budgeting meetings’ to set priorities as a couple.