AIBU to say no more access

[Badmgr]

3DC 5-12.
Ex husband has been sporadic with access, refuses to see them, then does, then doesn’t etc. in order to prevent me from having a life (he’s said).
I’ve tried to keep civility and contact flexible for years hoping he’ll change.
He doesn’t.
He lies to DC. They don’t really want to see him anymore.
Final straw was last week when they were with him and he contacted me all day asking for them to come back early.
He makes the DC unhappy and anxious. He stresses me out completely. And he doesn’t seem to enjoy being with them. When he sees them he tells me he’s doing me a favour. And he doesn’t pay maintenance.
I’ve had enough. WIBU to say enough is enough, he can’t be a father and should just go for good.

It depends on them. Your 12 year old is able to decide for themself.

You can insist on set times and if he's a no show twice, then you can stop contact.

Set the times. No flexibility. See what happens. When contact no longer fucks with your life he will fade away. Most likely he will fail to take up his contact to screw with any potential plans of yours at first then later just won't be arsed.

12 y/o has said no more contact but I just worry incase they regret it when they’re older.
Other 2 have also said the same and cry when they have to go.
I just don’t know what to do for the best. I wish he’d be a decent human being and this didn’t even have to be a consideration!

He won't change.

Your 12 year old isn't building a positive relationship with him, so there won't be regret in the future.

Stop putting them through this.

Thanks @TowelNumber42 that’s a good idea. Fixed times and if he doesn’t show then he doesn’t see them.

Really fucking heartbreaking watching this play out for my dc and not knowing what to do for the best

@Ponoka7 12y/o and exh had a very strong relationship before we divorced which is one of the reasons I've been trying so hard, hoping he’ll change and he can claw back some respect and get some enjoyment again from spending time with dc.
Seems like he’s enjoying his ‘freedom’ too much and that overrides everything else.

I think the fixed times is the final step and then if he doesn’t stick to it, I’ll stop contact. Or if he does stick to it and dc come back unhappy, again I’ll stop contact.

I just feel I have to try for them all one more time

I've been in this position. It's really hard as you are trying to 'fix' it for the kids, and doing everything to protect them.

But ultimately you have to stop the control he has by doing exactly what

Sorry posted too soon 🤦🏻‍♀️

.. was going to say, do exactly what @TowelNumber42 says

Set the times. No flexibility. See what happens. When contact no longer fucks with your life he will fade away.

This was a revelation to me and massively helped me & the kids see where he was at in terms of his commitment / lack of to them.

Good luck 💐

My 12 yo went nc with his df. He is so much better for it 3 years on...

@EarringsandLipstick @windydaysuponus thanks both. Feeling a bit more like I have a plan now

Good luck @Badmgr it's not easy but hopefully taking some control back will help you all x