What would you say?

[margaritaproblems]

My 6yo is aspergers. I've not known that for very long so still finding my feet with how to manage certain things.

We live in a very quiet cul de sac. It's very safe and kids all roughly the same age (most of them are 7) and they all play out. It's great in that it feels safe and you can see them even from the sofa although I often stand by the door with a tea if my daughter is playing too.

They generally just play tag or play with remote control cars ect. I think the other boys in the street have noticed my boy is a bit different. They keep telling him he is annoying and nobody likes him, but he still wants to play with them.

Last week I brought him inside, told the boy who was being mean that he wouldn't be playing out while he was being mean to him, and we spent the week doing days out and keeping him busy.

This weekend we are brassic skint. I can't afford to take them anywhere and I don't want to keep him inside while he watches the others play out. When he was outside yesterday one of the boys kept coming and knocking on my door and saying "shell is doing this" or "shell is doing that". He wasn't doing anything wrong.

When I checked with my son he said that anything he said or tried to do, the boy was saying "I'll tell your mum" and I think he expects me to agree he's being annoying and tell him off. Which obviously I won't if he isn't doing anything wrong. Like playing on his own scooter ect.

He still wants to play out. I don't want him being picked on, so the next time a 7 year old knocks on my door saying "shells being naughty he's doing this you know" and there isn't an issue (obviously if there was I would deal with that" what should I say to nip it in the bud? I don't want to be nasty but I am fed up

'Nobody likes a tell tale. Stop knocking on my door trying to get shell into trouble please'.

What exactly is the other child saying your son is doing? it's very hard to say much without knowing a lot more. Children sometimes do need help sorting out dynamics so I'd not say you're not interested in tell tales as I think if the children are finding your son a little tricky they will just stop playing with him entirely.

Shell is an autocorrect

I'd be getting pretty stern OP. This boy needs to stop policing and nit picking your son and start treating him as an equal.

I'd say firmly 'he's done nothing wrong. If you keep trying to get him in trouble then I will have to speak to your parents about your behaviour. Now go play and only knock again if someone is hurt or sick.'

I'd also speak to his parents if you haven't already. If they are decent people they will want to work with their son to make sure he is being inclusive and kind towards your son.

Your son is not Aspergers. He may have aspergers (although it's no longer diagnosed here) but he is not aspergers.

He is also only 6. That's very young for a Neurotypical child to be playing out alone, never mind an autistic one. Friendships could be difficult for him, he needs time and security to develop these, he won't be able to do it without your guidance.

They are only children.

Tell him to stop tittle tattling and tell him to play nicely. If he carries on go and talk to the parents.
Slightly more difficult but if he doesn’t want to play with your son it’s fine but then he needs to keep away from him and not be mean

That's what I'm worried about @73Sunglasslover.
I don't want them to exclude him entirely but it's just non issue things. Like playing on his own scooter. Touching my plant. Touching a tree ect

I was feeding the baby on the sofa the other day with the front door ajar. He walked out onto our driveway where they were stood. And asked if he could play with them. They blanked him and one turned to the other and said "why's he so annoying?" And ran off. My lad just sat with his scooter and didn't say anything I had to shout him in.

I don't really know what I want to say, just something non confrontational that also says "leave him alone". It's so not what he needs at the moment

If this were at school we would address it head on by talking about how and why your son may react or behave differently with the children he spends time with. You wouldn't divulge medical or confidential info or label the behaviours or anything like that. But you would explain to other children whatever you think it is that may better help them to understand his behaviours and cope with them appropriately. So maybe things like "he doesn't always interpret things the way you do" and for example, "he prefers it when you look at him when you speak to him" or "sometimes he likes to play alone and sometimes he likes to play with you. When he wants to play with you he usually does/says/looks...". Etc. Usually I find children to be understanding of information. Might be worth a go.

Just tell him "No-one likes a grass" and shiut the door.

@poolblack I realise that, I know it's diagnosed asd, but I've said aspergers to give readers an idea of how he presents.

It is young, I do realise that, they all are. It's just such a safe and lovely place to live. We're really lucky. All the neighbours we have spoken to have said they can now afford bigger but wouldn't move their kids from this location. And I am usually stood there or just inside, I'm watching. But I've thought up to now not letting him play but watching the others would just make him feel more different

That wasn't my point. My point was he isn't the condition. He has it. He isn't it.

I've just read your updates. Do you want to support your son in creating friendships or relationships with these children or are you hoping they'll just back off and leave him to play alone? You know your son better than us - what do you think would be best for him?

I'd ask if he knows about bullying and tell him I am going to have a word with his parents and possibly the school if it continues.
My DC 8&9 would hate to be called bullies.

@poolblack I didn't even realise I had typed that. That's not what I meant. I understand that.

@PBobs the reply upthread (sorry I've clicked off it so not sure who suggested it) that said if he doesn't want to play with him, that's fine but leave him alone and don't be mean to him is spot on.
Obviously if he could play with them that would be great and I'll support

I would try speaking with the parents and ask them to have a word with their children. Children should be accepting from a young age so let's help they will include your son when they know he has a medical condition which makes him act as he does.

The other child is an irritating telltale, and to be honest, I don't think that is actually connected with your son being autistic. Some kids are obsessed with snitching on other kids and I suspect he'd do it with any kid he didn't like, regardless of the reason. If a child was constantly knocking on my door with petty complaints like 'Your son called so-and-so Smelly Bum' or 'Your son threw a stick on the ground' as some kids tend to do, I would say 'You're being very silly and telling tales to try and get Shell into trouble. You should all be able to play nicely without running to grown ups every five minutes, and I don't want to hear from you again unless someone has been hurt.'

Obviously if the complaint is 'Shell has stamped on someone's face' or 'Shell is calling someone racist names' that's a bit different. But if it's really petty stuff then you can sternly tell them to stop running up your drive every two minutes to tell tales. Nobody likes a telltale.

In what sort of ways, though, would you say your son is 'different' to the extent that his behaviour would annoy other children? Does he invade personal space, snatch other kids' toys etc? Because regardless of autism you can start to teach him what behaviours might be difficult for other people and help him to modify them.

That's very young for a Neurotypical child to be playing out alone

It's very normal for children that age to play out together in a safe cul-de-sac.

Can’t you just tell him not to play with them? You can’t force them to be his friend. When mines to the park (no children play out here) if other children are nasty to them then just don’t play with them.

Maybe next time ask the other boy why he thinks what your ds is doing is wrong and then explain to him that the behaviour he is telling about isn't wrong.

Some kids like to tell if they've a willing audience, possibly he's enjoying the attention of telling or enjoys getting your ds removed from the play area.

I wouldn't say something like "no-one likes a tattle tale" (just yet anyway) as who knows what that'll start. For your sons sake I would encourage him to go out and start playing, there's no need for him to ask their permission, tell him he can just join in.
Has he any school friends or cousins you can bring around to play? Can his dad go out sometimes and start up a game of football or whatever and try and gradually get the others to see him as part of the group.

@dollydaydream114 no he doesn't invade personal space or hurt anybody. He's very chatty and obsessive over specific things so he will try and relate every conversation back to one of those interests. He's quite giddy like a younger child and in his own little world. Not great with flowing conversation or eye contact but he plays well with his sister and he does want to play.

Is it just the one kid that's being a pain? What are the others like? If it's just the one and he is being as silly as he sounds then I'd suggest you do just chat to your boy about the fact that we can't get on with everyone and obviously this boy is just a bit unfriendly. I would still consider mediating if there are other kids who your boy would like to play with and who seem open to the idea.

Your son is not Aspergers

I am autistic. I don’t ‘have’ autism, it is not something I can put down or of which I might be cured, it is integral to who I am.

I don’t care if people use the correct (for now) terms or not. I do care that they accept me as who I am, a whole person, not disabled, not suffering from a mental illness or whatever.

The OP’s ds might be autistic or whatever she wants to call it. He doesn’t ‘have’ whatever it is, he is it.

OP, childhood is flipping hard for us. You did well to distract him. Can you interest him in a project in the house? One of our advantages is that we can find anything at all interesting if there is enough detail. Even cleaning out cupboards. My autistic dgd (aged7) and I spent three hours this morning working with play-dough. She has amazing capacity for concentration.

@barryfromclareisfit

Part of my autism means it bothers me. I guess we are all different

Cant u have a chat with the other mums.... if my daughter was makin it so someone elses child cant play out i would want to no and would put a stop that.