Should I offer to leave?

[SayItTwice]

NC for this because all the details will be outing and I don’t want it linked to other posts.

I’ve recently split from someone I sort of work with. I’m in a volunteer role and he’s paid staff.

He is due into work at half 7 but because of the times buses run would always be about 45 mins early and get in a 6:45. I got to know him from staying talking to him in the overlap between him getting in and me having to leave.

So since we split he’s been avoiding coming in until the last minute (at 7:30), he still gets the bus so times haven’t changed, he’s just wasting time to avoid having to see me.

Do I offer to leave since I’m only a volunteer but it’s his ‘proper’ job? I don’t really have to be there but he doesn’t have a choice. I love my volunteer role, have been there about 3 years. I don’t want him to be feeling like shit every time he has to come in knowing he’ll see me though.

For context he ended it. And I don’t see him every week, i do one day a week and he does 4 depending on shift rotation so I only see him if he’s working the same day as me that week. Works out about once every 3/4 weeks.

Are you still doing something productive in those 45 min? As it sounded perhaps that you were sticking around longer than you needed to before to chat to him?

No. He ended it, why should you have to give up a position you enjoy? You're not forcing him to behave unprofessionally by coming in later. If he cannot have adult responses to his own actions, you shouldn't have to suffer as a consequence.

If you are ok seeing him for those few minutes once a month then don’t leave. Why should you leave a post you love because he feels awkward for a few minutes???

Don’t leave; he’s being silly to be honest and that’s his choice. It’s once a week for 45 minutes and not even every week from the sound of it. Probably in time it’ll be fine and he’s just being awkward because it’s so recent.

It’s hardly ever an issue - once every 3/4 weeks is nothing. Plus he’ll probably stop bothering about it in a while, it sounds fairly recent. Don’t leave a role you enjoy just over this.

No. Definitely do not leave a position you love to prevent someone from feeling awkward for a 45-minute period when they don't even need to be there. Don't even consider it.

@NChangingAgain no I’m not hanging round to see him. I’m supposed to stay until 8 and he technically starts at 7:30 but was always there early.

I did say to him when we split up that I would leave as he got in because he can do the same as I would do if I stayed so it’s not even like he’s coming in late because he feels like he’s going to have to spend time with me.

I’ve been leaving as soon as I can when he gets in so only spent at most 10 mins with him. I’m not really sure why he’s coming in late though, if it’s because he hates seeing me there which I think can be the only reason? I think it’d be best to leave because I don’t want him to be dreading coming into work because of me.

@DanielRicciardosSmile it’s me that doesn’t really need to be there, he does because it’s his paid job.

No. stop and thnk.

This man has ended your relationship and the first thing you have told us about it that you offered to change things in your life to make things easier for him.

Why did you do that? Seriously, think about it.. why do you feel it necessary to stop doing something you like and have done for a long time to appease him?

10 - 30 minutes in his month and you will throw away something you like so as not to hurt his feelings.

Really? How much more of a doormat can you be? Yes, harsh, but think it through before you resign!

it’s me that doesn’t really need to be there, he does because it’s his paid job

But he doesn't need to be there from 6.45 to 7.30 which is the time you "overlap" though.

Sorry, I see you're there until 8. Most of the time you overlap then.

Once a month ish...

You should carry on as usual. Leave him to fanny around with start times if that's what he wants - that's his problem, not yours.

It's a recent split. It'll become normal again soon.

I’d just act normal with him, don’t go over board. If you see him just say morning or whatever but don’t stay and try strike up a conversation.

@SayItTwice - i'm not suggesting you're hanging around to see him now - you said in your OP that the two of you would chat (before) in those 45 min. So asking if you are being productive now during those 45 min -in which case don't leave.

Depends what your split was like and if you are ok to see him as to how you would feel most comfortable, but I don't think you should leave just in case he feels awkward.

@NChangingAgain ah I see sorry misunderstood. I sit on the reception desk answering the phone, greeting visitors etc and he does overnight security so sits at the same desk.

He can sit and greet visitors but doesn’t answer the phones, they get switched over to the night system so when I leave it’d just be someone else answering the phones not me. Which is why I can leave early but don’t really like doing because it means the phones are less likely to be answered quickly.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I’ll keep going for now because I do really enjoy it and hope it gets a bit better as more time passes.

Maybe he’s doing it to be nice in a round about way? If he ended it and knows you’re hurting still, he might come in later so you don’t feel like you have to leave quite so early?

Either way don’t leave, once you start feeling better about the split, it’ll become easier to see him and you might get to a place where you can spend time together as friends again