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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think there might honestly be nice men out there?

18 replies

WantingMoreFromLife · 23/08/2019 00:39

Recently separated from a man who I loved despite him being controlling (long story but MH involved). I've been analysing the relationship and coming to terms with the fact that he has been quite abusive over the years (funny how you become conditioned to overlook this). I don't want to jump into another relationship but I often read posts about relationships where there is unconditional love, respect and acceptance. Oh, how I want one of these relationships!
Do genuinely nice men actually exist out there or does everyone sugar coat their relationships. Sorry to be so cynical but I haven't met anyone like that for a long time.

OP posts:

LiveInAHidingPlace · 23/08/2019 00:47

I also thought there were no nice men til I met my husband. He would genuinely do anything for me.

Original poster

WantingMoreFromLife · 23/08/2019 00:49

LiveInAHidingPlace - how did you find such a rare gem?

OP posts:

Seren85 · 23/08/2019 00:55

I was in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. I didn't even leave, not really,it did get physical, he just finally decided he preferred OW. She ironed his shirts apparently. Anyway, I was OFF MEN. Then it was let's just get me some and no feelings. Then I re-met my very first boyfriend. He'd walk through fire for me, even when I've fucked up (drove me to the station when I overslept), has supported me through a crisis, loves not tolerates my quirks, is my best friend. He isn't perfect. Neither am I. But there are good men out there after a bad relationship. I trusted DH easier because we had history and I think that the trust is hard when you've been abused but you can find someone that you trust.

RHOSA · 23/08/2019 00:57

Same as Seven85 my dreams have come true. We met via OLD, I feel very lucky. Xxx😊

RHOSA · 23/08/2019 00:58

Seren 😬 sorry!!!!

LiveInAHidingPlace · 23/08/2019 00:59

Total luck. If it helps, he comes from the opposite side of the world which obviously makes things difficult at times (always one person away from their home country/family, cultural differences, lack of Jaffa Cakes in his country).

But I was quite old by the time we met (mid 30s) and had been with a ton of horrible men. I was 100% over the idea of getting married or even having a boyfriend. I was totally happy being single for the rest of my life. I think that actually helped because when I met him I wasn't prepared to put up with any bullshit from anyone. So any man I met who I got even the slightest hint of twattery from, I immediately walked away from. That left me the time and space to find a genuinely nice person who I liked as a person, not as a marriage prospect.

Also, he's just a really happy, chill, easygoing person and I think if we'd met 10 years ago, we'd never have got together. I think I had to get to a place where I believed I deserved love from a normal person and not a twat.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/08/2019 01:47

Yes there is, many in a similar position, it helps to go for someone completely oppisite to your usual type.

ManxomeFoe · 23/08/2019 02:01

They're out there OP! Albeit few and far between in my experience
I'd had a few abusive relationships, then spent some time being single and rebuilding my self-esteem then hit online dating hard and ruthlessly, with really clear criteria for what was and wasn't acceptable to me in a relationship.
I'd always had quite full-on, dramatic rollercoaster relationships whereas when I met DH it was the total opposite - a slow burner, no drama. I didn't need fireworks, just a kind, decent, reliable man. 7 years on and I still couldn't be happier.

Original poster

WantingMoreFromLife · 23/08/2019 02:03

EmeraldShamrock, I don't even know what my usual type is. I met a man before my DH who I went out with for several months. If I had to write my perfect man down on paper, he would have fit the bill. But.... no chemistry at all. I gave it 8 months.... still nothing. My first husband was charismatic, extroverted, ambitious and more. I loved him unconditionally for 8 years but he cheated constantly with other women, prostitutes, boarders etc. Second DH: quiet, tradesman, family man but emotionally abusive, hated work and I wound up supporting him financially for a good portion of the 17 yrs we were together. I accepted him with his faults though. The common trait between them - as all family and friends said - was how good I was for both these men which I guess shows that I must pick the ones with problems. They were both the black sheep in their families.
Maybe I need to look for someone who is part of the herd. Lol

OP posts:

Original poster

WantingMoreFromLife · 23/08/2019 02:06

I also worry that at 48, any man of similar age is probably single for a good reason. Maybe I need to find myself a widower though have no idea how. I really do want to spend the rest of my life caring for someone and being cared for.

OP posts:

Original poster

WantingMoreFromLife · 23/08/2019 02:11

ManxomeFoe, I'm so happy for you. Think I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself especially this morning when I have realised that I'm going to be hit with a substantial child support bill for the next 6 years despite tolerating my DH sitting on his butt for many years sucking me dry financially. Ooooh. Just realised how bitter I'm feeling.

OP posts:

MisterT373 · 23/08/2019 08:48

WantingMore

Try hanging around cemeteries- I'm sure you'll find a widower or two there. Probably search out graves that are single women with engravings that say "To my darling xxxx" - suggests the man is still alive.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 23/08/2019 09:05

Everyone has different levels of tolerance within a relationship

No surprise but I wouldn't want to live with me! Dh on the other hand, by and large, is a dream to live with, he has his little foibles, but don't we all? I often read posts about relationships where there is unconditional love, respect and acceptance Aren't most people relationships like that ? acceptance of other peoples little peccadilloes?

However - being the armchair phycologist that I am, this forum doesn't have an undercurrent of unconditional love for partners; a lot of the women here attach strings to their relationships, their love is often very conditional .

I'm going to be hit with a substantial child support bill for the next 6 years Has your child has chosen to live with your partner ?

despite tolerating my DH sitting on his butt for many years sucking me dry financially. I would imagine a lot of men feel like that about ex wives …..

DeeCeeCherry · 23/08/2019 09:07

I think they do exist. But I don't think they're the norm. DP is lovely I'd not met a man like him before but if we ever split up I wouldn't go for another relationship. It's just too fraught out there.

Stories I read on here, plus have had a glance at Reddit & FB seen the sexist and misogynistic and dismissive way so many men talk about women. So whilst I think the good men do exist somewhere I wouldn't waste life on needle in a haystack searching. If one came along all well and good but if not what's to do? I'm in my 50s & still know of Peter Pans who use OLD to meet a string of women.

Widowers aren't any better, I dated one before and dawned on me he didn't want to settle with any woman. He'd been there done that re setting up home, marriage etc. & had his routine in his life. Not all widowers are looking for another wife, 2 I know of now are happy to have a longterm partner round the corner but no marriage as they want freedom + to leave their assets to their offspring.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 23/08/2019 09:15

Not all widowers are looking for another wife, 2 I know of now are happy to have a longterm partner round the corner but no marriage as they want freedom + to leave their assets to their offspring.

And yet, two days ago was a thread by a young widow saying she'd never remarry because the house was her childrens inheritance.

I just thought of the old saying 'you're a long time dead' , people should grab happiness where they can. Do you really think your kids are going to look back and be eternally grateful mum sat there like a wizened old prune for 60 odd years?

lazylinguist · 23/08/2019 09:45

I think the problem is that what people look for in a partner isn't always what they should be looking for tbh.

Unconditional love - not really a good thing. There are all kinds of 'conditions' which should make you stop loving somebody.

Being put on a pedestal/treated like a princess/treated like you need protecting - major red flag.

A partner should be someone you like and respect as an equal fellow human being. There are decent men out there, but I'd rather be single than be with even most of the decent ones. Decent isn't enough. Decent, attractive, without excessive baggage, similar life goals and moral compass to you, treats you as a total equal etc. It's quite a big ask.

I'm happily married to a great dh. I met him when I was 29 and I'd only had one other boyfriend before at all. Not for want of offers. I'm just very very choosy.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2019 09:51

We exist.

bambalaya · 23/08/2019 22:07

Luck plays a part, but you also have to be proactive with dating etc. Met my lovely man on OKCupid, after ignoring his profile for weeks because one of his photos was black and white and I thought it looked pretentious
Now over a year in with the most fantastic man I've ever met. I know we may split in the future, but it would never be because he'd been awful. I remember reading something years ago that really rings true with me now. "Now that I've met my partner and experienced this, I'm angry at myself for ever accepting anything less."

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