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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sorry for cousin's daughter?

53 replies

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 17:03

Cousin's DD has always been clever, and for the last couple of years has been predicted 9s in all of her GCSEs. This has morphed into cousin telling everyone 'well you know, X will get all 9s', utterly and absolutely confident. I've thought a few times that it's giving the DD no way to possibly improve on expectations, the only way she has is down.

Results have arrived today and she has achieved a clutch of 9s, 8s, 7s and 6s. I think she should be very proud of her achievement. When I asked my cousin how she'd done, he tried to seem pleased and I said they were brilliant grades. Later (neither occasion in front of his DD) he admitted he was disappointed and surprised she hadn't got all 9s. His wife, trying to cheer herself and him up, said they were still mostly old As and they shouldn't be too downhearted.

AIBU to think that my cousin and his wife should never have put their daughter on such a pedestal that anything short of top grades in all subjects is a disappointment? I did say to them to try not to express any disappointment in front of her, but no doubt she'll pick up on it. I did straightaway.

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 22/08/2019 17:47

Not telling everyone in advance about the 9s she would definitely achieve in advance of her actually achieving them, I suppose.

Yes, that was unwise.

Weathergirl1 · 22/08/2019 17:48

@Rakeitawaynwo oh dear, I did wonder if you were going to say that. You're confirming my suspicions that he's trying to get his daughter to achieve things he didn't achieve himself (not that I have any issues at all with someone who didn't go to university and has do e well for themselves, or not!!).

Not sure there's much you can do in this situation other than support the girl with positive messages and take everything he says with a large pinch of salt. Depending on what sort of school she's attending, I'd expect the teachers to be aware whether she's suited to Oxbridge and they'll start to encourage applications once she gets settled into A-level (I say that, though I do know of people who were discouraged from applying despite being good enough 🙄).

PostNotInHaste · 22/08/2019 17:51

I think that’s sad too. On the back of it I’ve just reiterated to DS how proud we are that he worked so hard for his mocks, that we know he has a great attitude to it all and will be proud of him whatever he gets. He’ll be expected by school to be among the higher achievers and I want the pressure off him at home.

JacquesHammer · 22/08/2019 17:53

This has morphed into cousin telling everyone 'well you know, X will get all 9s', utterly and absolutely confident

Incredibly stupid and utterly crass. He was basically setting them all up for a fall.

I know someone who did the same over an entrance exam “oh X is assured of a place”. Of course poor kid didn’t pass and was utterly destroyed by it.

CSIblonde · 22/08/2019 17:56

Psychologically & developmentally it's been found you should praise the effort & hard work, not the 'win' grade etc as its too much pressure & can focus on achieving perfection & always 'winning' too much.

Crinkle77 · 22/08/2019 18:06

I think there is too much pressure on kids these days so much more than when I did my GCSE 's in 1994. Your cousin piled even more pressure on her by telling everyone she was going to get 9's. She got the equivalent of A's and B's which is still brilliant. Most employers want maths and English at C or above so as long as she has that then that's all that matters.

whattodowith · 22/08/2019 18:07

Sounds like their daughter did extremely well and she should be proud of herself.

LillithsFamiliar · 22/08/2019 18:27

My DF was disappointed when some of my predicted As ended up being Bs but tbh I was disappointed.
I only remember his disappointment because a well-meaning relative pulled him up about it, they had a 'discussion' and that's my memory of my results' day. If the relative hadn't made it a point of discussion I doubt I'd have remembered my DF's disappointment since it mirrored my own.
Not all DCs will feel parental expectations as pressure. If my DF had said I was going to be Chief Constable of the police I would have felt he was proud of me, supportive and crucially, it's a brilliant counterbalance to society telling women not to aim too high, not to consider management roles, etc.

Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 18:37

You're confirming my suspicions that he's trying to get his daughter to achieve things he didn't achieve himself

I've never thought of that, he has never appeared to feel like he's missed out on something but it does make sense.

He has always been the same with her. All parents think their child is the best to ever roam the Earth, but he really believes it and it has done her no favours. When she did her SATs he claimed the school had approached him asking him if they could enter her for additional exams because she would help the school's overall figures.

When she was 13 or so her friend won an award at school for 'best achievement' or something. The two girls were at his house after the awards assembly for some barbecue he was having, and so I was there too. He said 'so you didn't get an award, DD?' And she replied 'no, but I got a better grade than Friend, she only got the award for effort', and he laughed and said 'well I bet you think you're a right clever shite, don't you?' And she replies 'cleverer than Friend'. The poor friend was sitting there.

In all other ways he is lovely and down to earth, even when he could put on an air of superiority at work, he doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 18:38

If my DF had said I was going to be Chief Constable of the police I would have felt he was proud of me, supportive and crucially, it's a brilliant counterbalance to society telling women not to aim too high, not to consider management roles, etc.

Yes, that's a good point. But he's not telling her, he's telling friends/family/any stranger who'll listen when she's not there.

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Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 18:39

I mean, I'm sure he does tell her which I agree is a good thing. But other adults when she isn't there? It makes me cringe because you can see other people judging him.

OP posts:

CendrillonSings · 22/08/2019 18:48

Ugh. He should learn that boasting comes after the achievement, not before! And even then, it should be leavened with a modicum of subtlety and good taste.

Ellisandra · 22/08/2019 18:54

You’ve said that the girl is over the moon.
So clearly for all his toe curling comments, he hasn’t passed on any of his expectations to her in a way that has undermined her perception of her achievements.
I think it’s far more toe curling for you to have told him not to let her see his disappointment. Patronising, much? I’d give you short shrift for that comment if you were my cousin!

Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 19:01

She is. She's a great girl.

Ah well, I would want him to tell me if it was the other way around. He doesn't mean any harm and was trying to act pleased, but it was so obvious.

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Fgsdl · 22/08/2019 19:07

Are you sure the school predicted all 9s? Or is that what they said? If she's only pulling a6 where she should get a 9 a subject teacher somewhere is being held very accountable. Which makes me think the parents are a bit overinflated.

She's done amazingly and she has every right to be pleased for herself (which looks like she wasn't very shocked she didn't get all 9s) . In the nicest way possible it might knock her parents down a peg or two,especially if they've been bragging about 9s for 'years'.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your kids but it's also good to show them that arrogance isn't great too!

Whatsername7 · 22/08/2019 19:13

Only 837 pupils in the country got ten grade 9's in their GCSE's. Teachers are told to expect to 'rarely see' grade 9's. When they happen, they are exceptional. I feel sorry for the DD too.

Witchend · 22/08/2019 19:13

Is she over the moon though?
Dsis I thought was over the moon with her results. So did everyone else. Dp were delighted, they really looked great results.

It was only later that she confessed to me that she'd been really upset by a couple of the results and she'd felt a total failure because if them.

BogglesGoggles · 22/08/2019 19:19

I can understand why they are disappointed. These things are (rather absurdly) used to university admissions and for hiring in graduate programs so it’s not like the bad grades will just go away. Hopefully this experience will ensure they properly support her during her a levels instead of assuming that she will do well because she’s clever.

KB197 · 22/08/2019 19:21

They are great results.

They proably had their hopes on all 9’s (still trying to get used to this concept,I prefer the old way) but they should be extremely proud of what she has achieved. They sound very braggy and probably disappointed they cannot brag about all top marks.

In my GCSE’s. I got one A, one B, six C’s, two D’s and an E. I didn’t have the best grades but I am extremely proud of them. I didn’t expect to get C’s in English and Maths but I did plus ok grades in my other subjects. Yet my mother and grandmother are often bulls**t about how I got all A’s (nothing of the bloody sort) just because I got one A. They always feel like their kids have to be one better than the rest even if it means lying through their teeth. Baffled me all the time. My gran used to tell people I was top of the class and I was nothing of the bloody sort. Far from it.

Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 19:23

I'm not sure. I actually suspect she's been predicted some 9s and they've morphed that in their heads to 'DD is almost guaranteed all 9s', and then went off telling everyone that. I'm sure her feet are more on the ground. She told her mother, before today, that she didn't think she'd get a 9 in everything because she felt that some exams were difficult. Her mother replied 'well don't worry, I'm sure you won't fail'. Her DD pointed about that not everything under a 9 was a fail. I think their DD was almost managing their expectations. After all, their daughter hasn't been bragging prematurely, they have.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your kids but it's also good to show them that arrogance isn't great too!

I think this is what grates on me, the arrogance. Not the DD but my cousin. I tend to think they'd have been much happier with the old system. 'Nearly all As' would be something to brag about. They're not disappointed in the grades themselves, just not being able to boast. Yet they would never, ever brag about themselves or their jobs or possessions, it's bragging vicariously, if that's a thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 19:26

My gran used to tell people I was top of the class and I was nothing of the bloody sort. Far from it.

My grandmother still goes on about how I was the best dressed with the most beautiful dresses at nursery. I wasn't, and I can't quite work out how it would cross your mind to put toddlers into competition about dresses, but she's very proud of it.

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NameChange84 · 22/08/2019 19:30

@BogglesGoggles She didn’t get any “bad” grades. Less than 1% of students got all 9s! Her lowest grade was the equivalent of a high B plus the rest at what would have been old A and A* grades. There’s nothing that would indicate she’s unlikely to get into university or a graduate scheme. She still seems to be a young woman with well above average potential and presumably she will be taking A-Levels in the subjects she got 9s and 8s in.

Mummyshark2019 · 22/08/2019 19:31

Take predictions with a pinch of salt. Make sure your child works hard and support them every way you can. They will do their best and their best will need to be good enough. Celebrate their success.

Original poster

Rakeitawaynwo · 22/08/2019 19:34

She still seems to be a young woman with well above average potential and presumably she will be taking A-Levels in the subjects she got 9s and 8s in.

She's actually dropping the three she got 9s in. Her father is in despair Better that she enjoys what she's studying though.

OP posts:

BogglesGoggles · 22/08/2019 20:18

@NameChange84 bad by their estimation. Should have used inverted commas.

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