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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to annoyed at partners career obsession

24 replies

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 11:24

So myself and partner live in London. We had a surprise baby when we 26 and were first of all our friends to have a baby. I’ve been back at work for two years since mat leave and despite some ups and downs have done well career wise and got promotions etc. However I have to admit I’m not that interested in my career I do it for the financial stability and because I’m supporting my family. I’d rather be doing something with less money and more meaning.

My partner in his own eyes however has struggled. He worked for a company for 4 years. Two years ago three of his colleagues of same age and experience got promoted and he didn’t. He was beyond gutted. He felt like rug had been pulled from under him. Then he was trying desperately to get promoted, but his managers felt that he was then performing at a lower level and missing the basics. He decided to leave to work for a start up, but unfortunately that did not work out and after 6 months he left as he would have been fired. He then took a few months out to look after our daughter and considered a career change and did work experience etc. He felt that he could be a good primary school teacher but wasn’t ready to commit at this stage. He now has a contract job working at a central London council which is a good role as he now reviewing the type of work he did before. However he’s feels gutted that he couldn’t make it at a consultancy and with offers coming through from recruiters he keeps being tempted back.

Throughout all of this he has been somewhat a pain in bottom at times. I have been on the phone to him at lunchtimes/ in the middle of the day and then he comes home from work and he’s in such a mess. I’ve found it emotionally draining.

I flit from being the emotional support to getting genuinely fed up and telling him what to do. As soon as I do this it causes arguments - because he feels defensive and I feel pissed off when he doesn’t do what i says at work and then it doesn’t go well again. In theory I know I need just to be there for him and not fix it, but when he tells when me what’s he done or going to do and it seems like a work faux pas.... I get very anxious 😬

In addition through all of this I have been trying to get us to save for a house. We live in my parents flat and I’m desperate for my dd to have a garden.

I’m getting fed up day to day because my partner is moody and constantly thinking about his job, but also fed up as I think we’ll never move anywhere because we seem to be waiting for his career situation to play out before we can do anything.

I’m pretty sure I’m being unreasonable- AIBU?

OP posts:

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 12:12

Does he take any responsibility for things not working out? Or is it all ‘them’? That is key to whether this is something that will change.

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 13:08

I think you have a good point. I think at an intellectual level he understands that some of the things he didn’t do perfectly but in his heart I think he does believe it was their fault.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2019 13:13

He needs to take responsibility for where he's gone wrong. Does he blame you for other things? Can he usually apologise or is it never his fault?

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 13:20

Generally in homelife he is good and will apologise. Buuuutt work he is very defensive .... he does feel like he’s been wronged by society when it comes to his jobs. I admit the industry is a bit of an old boys club and he’s struggled with that element but I think this defensiveness means he closes his brain off to any potential ways to improve.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 13:24

The thing is I don’t mind which job he does or if he wants to be a stay at home parent even. I just don’t want where we live or our live choices to be held up by his career.

Now this is where I come out as a princess - for example I would seriously consider moving to Bristol to be near my sister and could potentially get a job there but I know that would not be good for his career. But it feels a bit unfair that we’re being driven by location by his job when I’m the one with the more stable job.

OP posts:

Chitarra · 22/08/2019 13:33

You don't sound like a princess at all OP! Your partner sounds like quite a selfish person maybe? He seems to expect a lot of emotional support from you while not giving much back.

TotorosNeighbour · 22/08/2019 13:42

Him being defensive could be one of the reasons he didn't get promoted in the first place, he needs to understand that there is room to get better at his job but he needs to Chase It. From your posts it seems that he doesn't actually have a 'career' now so maybe it's better to start looking what he could do in Bristol of you really want to go there..

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 13:49

Your partner needs to learn the old rule of ‘if you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always got.’ If he isn’t stopping and analysing what went wrong last time and accepting his own part in it, what’s to stop it happening again? Perhaps getting a work transition coach or similar might help?

It sounds like it’s all about what he wants and you feel guilty for wanting things for you and dd. If you moved to Bristol, you could have a garden straight away and could save for a house much more quickly. That doesn’t make you a princess, that makes you a parent putting the needs of your daughter first.

I say this as someone who is very career driven and with a very career driven dp, but any career decision has to work for both of us e.g reasonable work/life balance, would consider moving location depending on place/opportunity etc. If you bend too far trying to support him and ignoring your own needs and wants you will break.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 22/08/2019 13:56

He doesn't seem to know what he wants; flitting from one job to the next, thinking about Teaching but not wanting to "commit" to it, and now contemplating leaving what sounds like a good job for the same kind of work he tried and didn't succeed in before. That's all well and good if you haven't got a family to support but he has. He needs to pick a realistic path and follow it.

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 13:56

Thank you all for your messages. This has given me food for thought. I definitely agree that the defensiveness is the biggest issue because it stops your ability to listen.

I’m still not quite sure what to do overall because our life ambitions seem to be opposing ie him having a career goes against my ambitions to buy a house. We seem to risk one party feeling resentful whatever we do.

OP posts:

Cryalot2 · 22/08/2019 14:00

I think you seem to be stable while he is flitting from job to job and he seems to feel wronged by the workforce. But he needs help, possibly councilling from someone who can advise on careers .
He needs to decide what he does want and go down that route.
At the moment he sounds draining.

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 14:01

Have you had a discussion about where you see your lives in 5-10 years? How far apart are those visions? Does he just think this is a temporary issue that he needs to get past before buying a house etc? Eg once he’s established himself in his field you would then get the house etc. How long would you be willing to let him try and does he have a plan to how to get there?

That’s the discussion I’d be having

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 14:02

Batqueen - thanks you have got to the heart of it I do feel guilty for wanting stuff for me and dd. I also really like the idea of a work coach.

Mfcf - thanks yes he is flitting and I think his current role is a good role and he should at least give it his best shot for 6 months. Rather than trying to go back to the world he was in before which hasn’t worked.

OP posts:

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 14:03

And I’d give him a wake up call that you want your child to be living in a stable home by the time she is ‘x’ years old so he knows he can’t just experiment forever and needs to take this seriously.

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 14:07

Batqueen - very upsettingly for me he does not engage much when we talk about the future. He can’t see a situation where we could buy a house. Actually I’ve done the sums and I have a good idea of what we can and can’t do with some effort in terms of saving. We have low living costs bar nursery fees at the mo so there is no reason it’s not possible. That’s the frustration really - I have a vision and he’s not buying into it!

OP posts:

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 22/08/2019 14:10

Reviewing job at the council sounds decent. If I were him I'd work hard to impress, then apply for any permanent roles that come up at that council. But yes, he needs to focus.

You're not being unreasonable. It's hard to take on so much of someone else's stress.

It must be stressful for him to not have a perm role. When he does hopefully this will end!

Bringonspring · 22/08/2019 14:11

I work fo s big consulting firm. It can be brutal to see your peers get promoted. There are a lot of different types of consulting firm and the all have different cultures. It maybe he just wasn’t at the right one.

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 14:14

Does any of the below ring true?

Whilst proud of you for your success, it shows him how far ‘behind’ he is in his career? (Measures it against yours)

You feel a bit guilty for this and try to overcompensate by being super supportive of him

He sometimes feels resentful of you for finding your career path ‘so easily’

When you talk about the future it is hard for him because it is like you are a life stage ahead of him and he doesn’t feel like has had that same experience that you have had yet?

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2019 14:25

Instead of getting defensive, what he should be asking himself is why are things going wrong and what he can do to change that. He needs to understand that to be successful you have to admit what you are good at but also understand where you lack skills or abilities and work on those.

It sounds like his ego is very bruised and he is lashing out. He needs to have an internal culture of continuous improvement. If someone does something better than you, instead of being angry you learn from what they have done. I learn from people all the time. If someone does a better piece of work than me, I don't go off in a huff even if my ego / pride is hurt, I look at why is it better and what can I do to up my game to that level.

Also he might feel really upset that you have done well in your career and he has not. Hurt male pride maybe?

Original poster

Iwb19yoo13A · 22/08/2019 14:32

I do think the fact that I have done ‘ok’ means that his ‘lack’ of success is exaggerated. I also do think he has been in a tailspin ever since he didn’t get promoted and has seen that as the end of the world rather than just a small defeat whereby he could do well again.

On the other hand I massively empathise with him as the corporate world can be brutal.

I wish he’d just chill out now and get on with his job at the council as to me it’s sounds a good role and if he stopped worrying what everyone else was doing he might enjoy It 🤦‍♀️ And we might be able to save a bit of money in the process and make me happy

OP posts:

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 14:43

From your updates, more and more it sounds like he needs help and support from someone external so you can be his partner, not his counsellor or coach. At the moment your support probably just feels like pressure to him and you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for wanting things for yourself.

NChangingAgain · 22/08/2019 17:20

He needs to reflect on and learn from what has gone wrong in the past - sounds like he's not doing that and things will only keep going wrong for him if he doesn't do so. He needs to ask for, learn from and really work on the feedback he gets in his current job.

Also - house prices in Bristol are relatively high, you might need to hunt for a while to find what you want or look elsewhere. Also you'd really need to look at the schools there - you can't assume you'll be able to find a good one as there don't seem to be many!

justbeingadad · 22/08/2019 17:31

Watch this www.bbc.com/ideas/videos/what-do-lucky-people-do-differently/p07khzdh

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 22/08/2019 17:51

Unfortunately you are the more capable person in your relationship and deep down he knows it. You have a firm plan, ie moving to Bristol. Unless he has a better one he should go with yours.

There are plenty of public sector opportunities in Bristol, btw, if working for a council suits him.

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