AIBU to think two happier homes are better than one warzone?

[ShouldIChangeEverything]

NC for this because other posts are a bit outing. And I apologise in advance for the fact that this is long.

AIBU to think two happier homes are better than one warzone?

Technically ‘warzone’ is a little extreme, but there’s a sub optimal atmosphere to say the least, and at times its absolutely toxic. DH and I have 3 DCs under 5. Generally we make a good team, and get along. But we fight. Really, really badly at times. I don’t love DH at all, and there’s no affection between us. All I can think about is leaving because I know that when things are bad between me and DH, the children get a much worse version of both of us. I feel like I’m becoming a really unpleasant person and I’m so unhappy.

I have enough savings to rent a place for 6 months (with room for the DCs), which I hope would be long enough for me/DH to work out what our priorities are and what we actually want. However, it all feels so selfish on my part. DH says he loves me and he couldn’t bear for me to leave. I feel as though I’m going to ruin the DCs childhood by breaking up their family. But then a huge part of me thinks that I’ll ruin their childhoods anyway by exposing them to such a negative atmosphere, and having them hear such terrible arguments. And I also feel as though my own happiness is important too.

I try not to raise my voice, and deflect any arguments that might flare up when the DCs are around. DH has no such filter, and flies off the handle at any point. The DCs often hear him, and DS (5) has said to me a couple of times how he doesn’t like it when Daddy shouts at Mummy, and he finds it scary. Which makes me feel like the worst mother ever.

So if I took the plunge and gambled everything, and if it panned out as I hope and DH and I can actually end up as better people apart than we are together, would that be better than staying together and never being happy?

I suspect you know the answer to this one! You don't need our permission to leave a relationship where you feel no love or affection towards your H, whatever the reason for your lack of feelings.

On a practical level, can you afford to pay all the bills as well as the rent without his financial input (claiming benefits if necessary)?

Absolutely! My ex and I didn’t fight to that extreme but my eldest (who remembers us living together) says she much prefers us living apart and being happier xxxx

We didn't fight, however we didn't want to be married any more.

We took the decision to end it before we ended up fighting and disliking each other.

I firmly agree that two happy homes are way better.

Hope you're ok OP

Why would you have to move out and pay out of savings for 6 months? Do you own the house? Could you not sell and split the proceeds so you can both be equal financially? Whether that be renting or buying? If you're currently renting, ignore me!

Nobody should stay in a relationship where they're miserable, sounds like it would be the best course.

Thanks all. I really need to hear something positive! My brain is a bit of a mess with it all, and I'm racked with guilt.

I can afford it (including bills) by using some of my savings. Which doesn't feel great, but it feels like a small price to pay to actually get some clarity and work out a proper plan. DH and I own a fairly large house (with a mortgage), but I have equity of my own in that. One of the reasons I feel so bad is that its a really amazing home for our children and by doing this I'd be taking that away from them.

Would looking after the dcs be 50/50. I was thinking if it would be possible for the dcs to stay in the house with the parent who would be with them, while the other goes to the flat, the parents swapping when needed, or would it be too much.

Skinandbones - that occurred to me too. In my mind, childcare is 50/50. So them staying in the house would be a perfect world scenario. I don't think DH will ever go for that though. The whole thing is going to be far from amicable as he's pretty highly strung, and will be massively against this. If I do it, it would all have to be a bit cloak and dagger whilst I find a place, up until the second I leave. There's no way he'll leave or give anything up without a fight. To say it will be a hideous mess at first is an understatement. But even though I know that, my eyes are still fixed on the future I think I can (and should) have.