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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel terrible about leaving my daughter to cry...

16 replies

hidinginthetoiletagain · 21/08/2019 21:31

My daughter is about 3 and a half. Up until relatively recently she has always been a brilliant sleeper, but around 3/4 months ago she started getting very upset at bedtime. We tried lots of things, but eventually started letting her stay up till around 9.30, as long as she was playing quietly/independently (no screens or noisy toys). This seemed to work and I wondered if maybe she needed that quiet time to process events of the day etc. and if maybe having that time alone with us (younger brother in bed) helped to reduce any separation anxiety.

Anyway, she starts pre-school in September and will have to get up a lot earlier so a late bedtime will no longer be an option. We have gradually been moving bedtime back again and have got it to about 8pm with very little fuss/anxiety. I am expecting the shorter days to start helping too.

Tonight my husband has gone out straight from work and so I did bedtime alone. My daughter went to bed after her stories with no fuss, but started shouting crying after about 5-10 minutes. I know from trying every option before that me going in will just make things worse, unless I get her up and we go through the whole bedtime routine again... She cannot settle with me in her room.

I really didn't want to undo all our careful hard work over the last few weeks by letting her get up again, so I left her to cry. It was probably on and off for around 10 minutes and was more shouty than upset (if that makes sense). She was shouting things like 'I don't like it - I want my Mummy' etc. and I found it really heartbreaking.

I am now in bed myself, completely exhausted but can't go to sleep because I feel really upset. Am I being ridiculous?? I half want to go and wake her up to give her a cuddle!! (obviously I won't do that as I know it's INSANE).

OP posts:

MonstranceClock · 21/08/2019 21:33

She's 3, not a baby, she'll be fine. Does she nap in the day still? Nursery will tire her out more so she will be more tired.

MaryShelley1818 · 21/08/2019 21:37

YANBU.
While I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong I would feel very guilty and know that I would never be able to just ignore my little boy at that age if he was crying for me. 3 is very little still and for whatever reason she needed her Mummy.
However I don’t think you should feel guilty and there’ll be plenty of parents who would have done exactly the same. Different things work for different families.

positivity123 · 21/08/2019 21:43

Think of the bigger picture. It's ten minutes of her life which is a tiny amount and you are helping her to get a good nights sleep which is very important for her health. Give her lots of cuddles tomorrow.

Original poster

hidinginthetoiletagain · 21/08/2019 21:45

Thank you for your responses. She doesn't nap in the day (hasn't for a year or so) and does already attend nursery a couple of days a week. I've been on maternity leave and they're very relaxed about times, so I've been able to let her sleep in and take her in later. I'm going back to work next month and she'll be at a pre-school with more 'set times'.

I'm telling myself it's for her own good, as if I go in she just gets really upset again when I leave and she can't seem to go to sleep when I'm in there so I can't stay. If I go in it just feels like it's prolonging the agony (for both of us), but now I feel like she needed me and thought I was ignoring her! Or maybe she just fancied getting up for a bit more play and needed some tough love???

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 21/08/2019 21:49

Can you go in and give her a kiss without waking her . I do it sometimes do it to my son tell him I love him . It helps .

I do think we know the difference between a cry for attention and upset . If she settled after 10 minutes wasn’t real distress

Hassled · 21/08/2019 21:49

They know exactly how to break our hearts, don't they? Awful as that must have been, you need to think about what would have happened if you'd acted differently - what tomorrow night would be like, and the next night, and how miserable and overtired she would have ended up when pre-school starts. You did good.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/08/2019 21:50

While I'm sure no lasting harm is done, you don't have to leave dc to cry if it doesn't feel right to you. I never felt ok with leaving my dc to cry and their sleep still improved with consistent returning them to bed.

Original poster

hidinginthetoiletagain · 21/08/2019 22:02

Starlight I would LOVE to go and give her a little kiss, but she is a very light sleeper (always has been, even when she went to sleep with no bother) and I would be so cross with myself if I woke her up!

OP posts:

Original poster

hidinginthetoiletagain · 21/08/2019 22:07

Hassled they really do!! I think I probably did do the right thing. We're going out with my Mum and Aunt tomorrow (which she will love) and it would be such a shame if she was exhausted. It's just so annoying how upset I feel... I expect I'll lay awake feeling all emotional until my husband gets home and rolls his eyes at me (in a nice way, while giving me a cuddle, he is equally soft...)

OP posts:

babbi · 21/08/2019 22:09

Give yourself a break for goodness sake .
You are working hard to get your child into a good sleeping pattern which is so beneficial to her health....
that 10 mins ( whilst distressing for you ) was a little lesson in self soothing for her ... she’s sleeping now - all is well !

Here’s a 🤗 for you - now you get to sleep 😴 and get the benefit of an early night !

Original poster

hidinginthetoiletagain · 21/08/2019 22:12

*lie in bed

OP posts:

HappyParent2000 · 21/08/2019 22:15

We had the exact same phase at a similar age.

ours was testing how we responded. We worked through it with him, teaching him how to manage feeling tired but wanting to stay awake.

Now he is 4 he literally puts himself to bed at half 7, it’s brilliant! We hope to move it back to 7 when he starts school as 5 days a week instead of 3 will wear him out more.

Drum2018 · 21/08/2019 22:16

You have to keep up with your new routine and if that means her crying for a few minutes then so be it. Otherwise you're back to square 1 and you'll get frustrated, she'll sense that and be worse. If you'd said she cried for an hour then maybe I'd say go in and try to settle her without talking, but 10 mins is nothing. She's asleep now so that's a result.

thecatinthetwat · 21/08/2019 22:23

Everyone weighs this up differently. I have never left mine to cry, but it has meant some give in other areas.

Ultimately you have to decide what’s best. It’s hard

Original poster

hidinginthetoiletagain · 21/08/2019 22:29

Thanks everyone, this parenting lark is TOUGH. Fingers crossed its just a blip and she's better tomorrow...

OP posts:

jomaIone · 21/08/2019 22:30

10 minutes feels an absolute lifetime when your child is crying, but she wouldn't have fallen asleep if she was that distressed after such a short time. You did the right thing in these circumstances.

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