Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to DDs teacher about this boy?

28 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 21/08/2019 13:34

DD is 15 and there's a boy in her class who it transpires has been very vociferous about liking her for the past 2 years.

I only found out because a friend of hers Mother is friends with a friend of mine.

This friend of DD's told her Mum (who told my friend) that the boy...we will call him X...has been texting DD periodically for the past 2 years.

He sends very emotional messages trying to convince her that he's the right boy for her.

He's also photographed her in the past without her knowing and the girl I mentioned before, saw his phone and that he had zoomed in on group pictures and saved DD' close up.

I spoke to DD who says he's part of her larger friendship group and that when he "goes through a phase of this" she stops treating him as a friend and ignores him.

Then when she thinks he's over it, she tries to treat him as she does all the others in her group and he goes back into this behaviour.

She says this time round (it reared up again 3 weeks ago) she has decided to stop trying to treat him as a friend at all...and that's it. She's not interested in him.

My initial reaction was "oh well that's ok then" but my friend says it's not right and that she's been forced to change her own behaviour to fit into this boys' behaviour and that he needs help.

She suggested that I speak to DD's form tutor...tell her about it all and suggest that she work some education into their classes on social development...that maybe the teacher could talk about how to respond to unrequited affection...the appropriate way to approach someone you like. She said that I could tell the teacher not to speak to DD or the boy specifically.

Should I bother? It's been 3 weeks now. but because t's been going on and off for 2 years is it something I should worry about?

Apparently another friend of DD's spoke to him and told him he was "being creepy" and that he needed to stop.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 21/08/2019 13:36

I did ask DD to tell me if he sent any more messages OR if his behaviour around her changed in any way at all.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 21/08/2019 13:41

I understand your concern but it sounds like your daughter had handled it well up to now - she sounds like a sensible young woman. I’m not sure she’d appreciate you intervening or involving the school (I speak as the mother of two teenage girls) - keep an eye on things and support her if she needs it

ghostyslovesheets · 21/08/2019 13:41

Oh and his behaviour is creepy btw and not acceptable but she seems to be on top of it

Usernumbers1234 · 21/08/2019 13:45

It’s a bit creepy on his part, but overall feels more like an unrequited crush that your daughter is dealing with well.

Personally i don’t think I’d take it up with school unless it went up a level and was causing her genuine distress.

FlibbertyGiblets · 21/08/2019 13:53

Have you seen the messages?

The usual stalker advice is tell the person to stop contacting them and block them. She should do that.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 21/08/2019 13:55

I think you should ask your DD to be open about it with you, if things getting worse with him then she has to tell you. Ask her to tell you when he sends her a message so you can see what he is saying.

But for the moment she seems to be doing a good job on her own. It seems when she is nice to him he thinks that there might be more to their friendship. She is better off ignoring him from now on and he might move on.

Milkstick · 21/08/2019 14:57

I think your daughter has handled it well, but a heads up for the form tutor might be wise in case this escalates. I'd explain it all, including the fact that he's currently blocked as it were, but he may go on to do this to someone else and this information would be useful to the teachers.

lmusic87 · 21/08/2019 15:18

I would raise it with the school, the boy should learn the value of a no.

Sexnotgender · 21/08/2019 15:21

I would raise it with the school, the boy should learn the value of a no.

Definitely. Sounds like he doesn’t understand consent and that would raise massive red flags for me.

shithappens123 · 21/08/2019 15:23

Her teacher might not have time to do a class on it. You could mention it to the head of sixth form but other than warn him off there’s nothing much they can do

Proseccoinamug · 21/08/2019 16:29

I wouldn’t involve the school. It undermines your dd’s very sensible way of dealing with it.

Vgbeat · 21/08/2019 16:55

It sounds like old fashioned puppy love it maybe I'm old at 38. Your daughter sounds sensible and he sounds harmless.

PancakeAndKeith · 21/08/2019 17:10

I would mention it, not to protect your dd but because it might add to a picture to the school are building on him. This might not be the only thing he has done.

kazillionaire · 21/08/2019 18:06

Seriously, it's a crush. The daughter has dealt with it and knows she can speak to her mum if it makes her uncomfortable so why the need to go ringing the school? There is nothing they can do about lads having crushes, I think it's all going a bit far to suggest the might be building a picture!

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 21/08/2019 19:19

Those who think it harmless....do crushes usually go for two years and what about the secret photo taking.?

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 21/08/2019 19:39

I would say raise it with the school. Your DD might be handling it well, but another child might not be as confident in such a situation and it wouldn't hurt to arm others with how to handle unwanted, persistent attention.

PancakeAndKeith · 21/08/2019 20:21

There is nothing they can do about lads having crushes,
There is having crushes and there is not taking no for an answer.

Sexnotgender · 21/08/2019 21:50

There is having crushes and there is not taking no for an answer.

Exactly. This boy is veering into creepy stalker territory.

thecatinthetwat · 21/08/2019 21:59

I would talk to dd first, as she’s your priority.

If the others think it’s over the line, I would consider reporting to the school, for their awareness, rather than any action. If you trust them to handle it appropriately.

Always a great opportunity to support and encourage your dd though, who is handling it well it seems.

edwinbear · 21/08/2019 22:03

I think you DD has been very mature about this and handling it well. She might be embarrassed if you start interfering with an issue she sounds like she has under control. I’d ask her if she would like your intervention and step in if she does, otherwise just let her know you are happy to get involved should she want you to.

LokisLover · 21/08/2019 22:18

This isn’t ok, I think you should speak to the school.
Your daughter is handling this well but she shouldn’t have to after so long.

It’s interesting that we’re so socially conditioned to not offend a man, to adapt our behaviour to deal with someone else’s, quite frankly, intrusive, arrogant and unacceptable behaviour. It’s wrong and if my son behaved this way I’d be mortified.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 21/08/2019 22:34

DD is indeed very mature. She's also very switched on regarding Feminism. I spoke at length to her about it and she said she didn't want me to say anything....her reasoning was that she had decided to deal with it differently now...not be his friend at all....and she felt that this would be enough to stop the behaviour given his patterns...his patterns being that only when she was his friend did he act this way.

I was tempted to agree with her but on reflection, feel that at 15, no matter how mature she is, she doesn't have the life experience to grasp that he may in fact be in need of support.

It's not normal behaviour is it...a "crush' lasting this long and his being so dedicated to it.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2019 22:39

If the school are unaware they won't be able to do anything.

And you will have to start from scratch if anything (god forbid) does happen.

This way they would be aware and maybe even spot things and bring it to a holt.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 21/08/2019 22:47

Boney I suppose my reticence comes of the fact that it's stopped at the moment. Worried about looking like I'm being dramatic.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2019 23:06

HennyPennyHorror

You could approach this is an "I think that you should know" type of way.

It may be worth going to pastoral staff instead of the teachers, they will know the child's background and they can work it from their side without anyone knowing who has said what.

Swipe left for the next trending thread