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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

great degree, won't look for job

26 replies

gazingahead · 21/08/2019 13:07

DS is 21 and just graduated from a good university with a good degree (History). He had all sort of plans and was sure he was going to get on a graduate training programme and had several (group style) interviews lined up. Some he didn't attend, or phoned to ask for another date and, to my knowledge, he only attended one which he didn't get. Other ideas such as an MA have come to nothing as it appears he's missed the deadlines. He is now talking about 'earning some money and going traveling'. He's barely ever earned any money though, so I don't really have much faith that this would happen.

I think he needs to adjust his expectations and that employers need to see he's a worker, even if it takes a while to get where he wants to be.

He's still in bed now, got in late last night and is obviously avoiding us because he knows we'll be asking him what's going on. We live in central London, so it's not like he would struggle to find some sort of employment.

We're always gone a bit soft on him as he was adopted at 12 and things haven't been easy for any of us.

We're going to talk to him this evening, AIBU to insist he finds a firm plan or job?

OP posts:

DrVonPatak · 21/08/2019 13:10

Please make sure his mental health is not the cause of this first. I'm not saying it most definitely is, but it's an option that should be considered, especially after reading the part about adoption.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/08/2019 13:14

Is it possible he is 'burnt out' from doing the degree? I know it sounds daft but when I finished mine I just felt totally wiped out.

I had a place for the Sept to start my PGCE and to be honest, basically, I had the summer off all the years of study and exams finally caught up.

If he fancies travelling/doing something different, how about looking for jobs like eurocamp - he will have missed the boat this year but could do from March next and then maybe do his MA from next Sept?

greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 13:15

It is really hard finishing uni if they've not planned beyond graduation.
Sit him down and ask what he wants, let him talk then maybe throw in how are you funding xyz.
I made mine have plans a b c and d etc. They were all their ideas scaffolded by us.

Original poster

gazingahead · 21/08/2019 13:16

His mental health will always be of concern to me, and it's what compelled me to write this post. I don't want to put too much pressure on him.
He doesn't seem depressed though, and is going out loads and visiting friends. We've just been on holiday together (camping) so we saw him all day long and he at least appeared very happy.

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Craftycorvid · 21/08/2019 13:16

Congratulations to your DS on his degree. He will have had to work hard in order to do well, so I’m wondering if his work ethic is the whole issue here? It can be quite a shock coming to the end of 3 years of study (I work in HE). All your focus for three years has been on getting through your studies and suddenly it’s over. Feeling lost, low or lacking motivation once graduation day is just a memory is not that unusual. He may not know what he wants next. He may just want a break. Maybe talk to him and ask how he’s feeling? University careers centres will normally support ex-students for a long time, so he could access them if feeling directionless. It could be that taking any old job for a while and re-adjusting to the world beyond uni’ is what he needs. I can understand you are concerned but it’s quite early days yet.

FamilyOfAliens · 21/08/2019 13:19

You would not BU to let him know you’re happy to listen when he wants to I talk.

You WBU to insist he has a firm plan or gets a job, without first listening to what he has to say.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/08/2019 13:20

Id be inclined to set a deadline whereby he has to be either further studying or have a job. I appreciate downtime after a degree but no way is an adult living and eating for free

Dairyqueen2 · 21/08/2019 13:26

Sounds like he might be worried/anxious/in denial about his future. Do check that he's ok before you start berating him.

bridgetreilly · 21/08/2019 13:32

What is he living on at the moment? I don't think you have to immediately throw him onto the streets or anything, but I do think it's reasonable to point out that he is now an adult and will need to be self-supporting in his plans for the future. If he wants to stay at yours, talk about rent and contributions to bills, and ask him how he plans to cover that. You can always save it up and give it to him whenever he does leave, as a gift towards a deposit or whatever. But he does need to start thinking about taking responsibility for his life, not just drifting and assuming you'll pick up all the bills.

dollydaydream114 · 21/08/2019 13:33

It sounds as if he's realised that what he thought he wanted to - ie a graduate training programme with a big company - actually isn't what he wants to do at all. I suspect he applied for all those things because he felt that was what was expected of him rather than because he actually wants that kind of job, deep down. And agree he's probably a bit burnt out.

If he just wants to earn money to go travelling for a bit at the moment, and you aren't charging him rent, he could frankly do that by working in a bar, so I wouldn't worry too much. But I would, if I were you, give him a deadline to find some sort of job, whatever it is, if he is expecting to continue living with you rent-free. Just don't put him under pressure to immediately find a job that's a 'career'.

Also … not everyone is actually very career-minded. I got a first class degree from a good university and everybody seemed to think I'd be applying for graduate schemes and aiming for a great salary. In fact, I'd rather have died than applied for jobs like that, and I'd rather die than do a job like that now too. I have an OK job in comms and it's reasonably creative and I'm happy enough with it, but I've no intention of ever going beyond a junior management role and frankly I'd rather not even be that as I was much happier when I wasn't running a team.

I agree he can't just stay in his room sleeping all day for the rest of his life, but at the same time don't try to push him into a corner that he doesn't want to occupy.

Original poster

gazingahead · 21/08/2019 13:40

We haven't pushed him in any direction or had any expectations. We've always said find what makes you happy and we'll support you as much as we can, which is quite a lot as we are financial secure. But it's been months now and he hasn't earned any money.

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Original poster

gazingahead · 21/08/2019 13:41

I think he really did want the graduate training schemes but was freaked out by the standard of the other applicants, some of them already had MAs.

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BogglesGoggles · 21/08/2019 13:45

There’s probably still time to do something like a GDL or something for a year so that he doesn’t have an awkward gap on hisCV? Or maybe he could go abroad for the year to ‘learn another language’. I would just be concerned about a gap on his CV.

coralnailsinsummer · 21/08/2019 13:49

Watching with interest.
One of mine has just finished his Masters and is 'having the summer off after all that work'.
He's done some manual labouring for friends and talks the talk about the next step but so far there's no evidence of it.

Original poster

gazingahead · 21/08/2019 13:58

I'm trying to get back into work myself, now young DC are older so I do know how daunting it is. I think I'm going to push him a little bit to get a part time job and try and structure his job search a bit.

He can also access his university careers service via webchat, so I'm going to suggest this too.

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BadassBusty · 21/08/2019 14:00

I would let him have the summer (i.e. August) and then go from there. Has he ever had a job? Part time work? Anything?

BookWitch · 21/08/2019 14:03

My dd from a history degree in 2013 with no real plan and I remember that feeling of being scared of the "failure to launch"

She was applying for lots of jobs but with no real direction.
She signed on with a temp agency and did a few jobs at minimum wage then took a temp contract at a government office (through the agency)
Six months later she was taken on as permanent (civil service) and finished that job recently as a middle manager. She's taken a career break to her Masters - her job and pension is still there for her.

I think I'm saying try not to worry (I remember the worry she didn't know what she was wanting to do) things tend to work out in the end

YouTheCat · 21/08/2019 14:07

If he's missed the deadline for an MA how about he works for 6 months, applies for next year and does some travelling? He sounds like he needs something to aim at.

greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 14:07

Also let him know that he doesn't have the find THE job, just a good job that puts money in his pocket and adds to his cv, much easier to get a job when you've got a job.

Azeema · 21/08/2019 14:10

History very competitive. More people with history degrees than jobs in field.
Maybe he look at tutoring or teaching? Can even do this abroad....use degree and travel.

Londonmummy66 · 21/08/2019 14:22

It's a long time ago now but I remember being totally wiped out after Finals so I agree with PP that say he should have a bit of a break if you can afford it. Perhaps suggest that he needs to think about doing something when the uni holidays are over. Suggest that he finds a part time job/does some temping and thinks about/researches MAs and travel plans. Lots of my friends didn't know what to do straight after they graduated and those that took a bit of time often did better in the long run than those who jumped straight into the corporate/professional world. One learnt Italian at an FE college for a few months alongside temping and then did 6 months as an au pair before an MA, another did an ESOL course and went and taught abroad for a couple of years. The main thing is that he should plan to do something.

Nucleoli · 21/08/2019 14:35

I just wanted to second the idea of making sure that his mental health is OK.

I'm the equivalent of your son right now (but a tad older), and I have fallen into a deep depression which isn't obvious to others unless I tell them. I'm so overwhelmed about not knowing what to do, and feeling crap/like a failure, that I've stopped putting in applications etc.

Original poster

gazingahead · 21/08/2019 14:49

Thanks everyone, all your comments much appreciated. I do really understand how hard it is, but I don't want him to opt out. I just want him to take small steps.

Nucleoli, keep the faith

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dayslikethese1 · 21/08/2019 15:34

I think doing anything is good really (any job, volunteering etc.) as not doing anything can lead to feeling very down and it's always easier to move on to something else if you are doing something in the meantime you can talk about in an interview etc. and avoiding big CV gaps.

Saying that; not having the pressure of having to 'figure it all out' straight away is important, most people take a while I think. It is a really hard time as you're suddenly away from all that structure of university. When I graduated I moved to a new city and worked NMW for about a year but in that time I formulated a plan and got experience via volunteering to apply to a PG course that lead to better jobs. I second the PPs who mention contacting his uni careers service, they can be very helpful. Also signing up to some temp agencies might be a good idea as an interim measure.

MollyButton · 21/08/2019 15:40

I think expecting him to do something is important - whether it is voluntary work (if you can subsidise him) or a little job of some kind. It doesn't have to be the rest of his life type job, but just doing something and having something on his CV. There are also training schemes and opportunities which involve internships etc. And even if he starts one of these he can leave "early " if the right opportunity comes along.
The University career service is a good place to start.

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