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AIBU?

Would you tell the mother?

152 replies

Greggers2017 · 21/08/2019 12:03

My dd is approaching 12 and about to start secondary school. 2 days ago I saw a message on her locked phone screen from one of her friends saying she was going to meet somebody.
When I questioned my daughter she informed me that her friend was going to meet up with a boy she had been talking too online. The friend has never met him before. I spoke to my daughter and explained it is a very dangerous thing to do and that I will inform the friends Mum if she does go to meet him.
Daughter spoke to her friend later that day and informed me that friend had changed her mind.
Fast forward to Just now, another friend has told my dd that first friend is going to meet the boy tomorrow. Do I got and inform the mother even though I don't know her? I would want someone to come tell me.

OP posts:

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CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 21/08/2019 13:40

SmudgeButt I'm not a parent but I think your idea is pretty terrible. You can't just arbitrarily appoint yourself in loco parentis like that, unless you told the mother and she just shrugged it off and indicated that she wasn't going to intervene. It's definitely not the OP's place to talk to this other child. She needs to go straight to the girl's mum.

ElleDubloo · 21/08/2019 13:43

As a parent I would 100% want to know, and I wouldn’t be upset with anyone for telling me anything, even if it turns out to be a mistake.

SafetyLightsAreForDudes · 21/08/2019 13:53

I have taken my teenager to meet online friends. This scenario is ringing all sorts of red flags - both the age of the children and the unaccompanied aspect of it. I would not have been upset or angry if someone, having heard my son was planning to meet his online friends, was to question that with me or even with his school if they couldn't contact me directly. I know my choice to allow him to meet them is unusual and I would rather anyone with concerns would act on them. I hope you manage to get hold of the mother, but if you can't then given the immediate nature of the planned meeting and it being school holidays, I think I would be inclined to contact the police tbh. Your daughter's friend could be in significant danger.

Jammiebammie · 21/08/2019 14:01

A few years ago when dd1 was 13/14 I received a message from a friend on Facebook (we weren’t close, more of a friend of a friend) because she’d noticed that on my daughters friends list there was a name of a ‘boy’ who her niece had problems with, claiming to be younger, and essentially grooming her.
It was all very worrying, I spoke to dd who broke down telling me she didn’t know how to tell me, she thought it was a boy at school but turns out it was an older man, who had sent my dd vulgar pictures and kept trying to video call her. Dd was petrified but didn’t say anything as she was so scared.
We got the police involved (who were brilliant) and obviously had further safety interned chats with dd (I thought she was well aware of the dangers, it shocked me). He had done this to numerous girls.

I will FOREVER be grateful to that friend for messaging me to tell me about it. She said she deliberated and wasn’t sure if she was being nosy but couldn’t live with herself if something happened and she didn’t say. She stopped a potentially worse situation occurring. Please do tell the mum, she needs to know, and she will thank you for it.

Derbee · 21/08/2019 14:03

I would suggest not taking @SmudgeButt suggestion of talking to the girl and taking her secretly to meet someone on the internet... 😳

Tell the mum. She’ll probably be grateful. If she thinks you’re interfering, so be it. Better than thinking you’re a weirdo who is secretly taking her daughter to meet strangers off the internet .

Greggers2017 · 21/08/2019 14:06

It's such an awkward age isn't it.
I've had the issue of DSD wanting to go into town on her own with friends this week too. She has just turned 11 too. The other girls mums have allowed them to go on the bus, I wasn't comfortable with it so I'm taking all 3 girls and watching from afar.
I will definitely contact the mother.

OP posts:

BingBingBong · 21/08/2019 14:07

Yes, for many reasons.
It may be perfectly innocent but it often isn't, better to be safe.

kateandme · 21/08/2019 14:13

please do.if its legit no problem.two happy teens meeting.if not she will be saving her life!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/08/2019 14:14

See if you can find the parents on Facebook. Or some of your daughters other friends parents might have a phone number.

Cheeserton · 21/08/2019 14:15

12? Damn right, tell them now! No hesitation.

MaisieDaisy1 · 21/08/2019 14:23

Do you honestly need to put the question to mumsnet to know what the right thing to do is!! Words fail me.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/08/2019 14:25

Jesus christ, do you even need to ask?? If it was your 12 year old daughter would you want to know if she was planning on meeting some stranger of the internet? Of course you bloody would

Toomanycats99 · 21/08/2019 14:28

I went to the talk from the boys mum who got killed in Essex when he met up with the person online. The killer was only 18 ish.

The thing she said that stuck with me is that people assumed it was ok because it wasn't an older person. The person was who they said they were.

There is nothing to say it couldn't be a 15 year old (for example) but it could still be dangerous.

Apolloanddaphne · 21/08/2019 14:29

As a social worker who worked in child protection is would say that you have a duty to let the girls mother know of these plans. I have seen too many children meet up with people they think are their age only to find they are adults with dubious motives.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/08/2019 14:30

The only alternative I can think of to telling the mother is to talk to the girl herself and offer to go with her discretely. Say they could meet at a McD's or similar public place and you could lurk to see whether the "boy" is actually 12 and not 42.

Don't be fucking ridiculous, if someone elses mother took my 12 year old off to met a stranger from the internet I'd probably report them to the Police

Herocomplex · 21/08/2019 14:31

I’m disappointed that this is still happening. There are so many warnings given now.

1forAll74 · 21/08/2019 14:36

Yes, I would inform the Mother. and personally if you can, as in knock on her door etc, and not by text or anything. If the Mother is not aware of her daughters intentions,she needs to know about all social media happenings with her daughter.

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 14:38

The only alternative I can think of to telling the mother is to talk to the girl herself and offer to go with her discretely. Say they could meet at a McD's or similar public place and you could lurk to see whether the "boy" is actually 12 and not 42.

Jesus Christ. How can anyone think this is ok?

LondonJax · 21/08/2019 14:44

Definitely agree that you must tell the mother.

Don't get involved in this daft idea of talking to the daughter - she's going to deny, deny, deny and even if you did end up going with her you'd be undermining her parents. Quite apart from that, the parents need to up the monitoring of her accounts and they can't do that if you help her 'evade' them by taking her along to meet this 'boy'.

And, of course, there's nothing to say a teenage (or thereabouts) boy or girl can't attack another person. Encouraging her to meet him without her parents knowledge could put her in danger even if he is the same age. There are a lot of things I want to know about my DS's friends and I wouldn't want some other adult going behind my back doing that job.

Tell the mother and well done to your daughter for not hiding all this from you.

ThePhoenixRises · 21/08/2019 14:44

I would start by saying the words, apparently and unsure if true or not but felt they should know just incase it is true.

IamWaggingBrenda · 21/08/2019 14:46

Absolutely. She’s 11?! That child is in danger - there is not a single safe scenario where an 11 year old is meeting up with a complete stranger.

BingBingBong · 21/08/2019 14:48

The only alternative I can think of to telling the mother is to talk to the girl herself and offer to go with her discretely. Say they could meet at a McD's or similar public place and you could lurk to see whether the "boy" is actually 12 and not 42

Don't be fucking ridiculous, if someone elses mother took my 12 year old off to met a stranger from the internet I'd probably report them to the Police

^^^ This. I would be furious.

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Proseccoinamug · 21/08/2019 14:49

Definitely tell the mum about the meeting up with a stranger thing.

But if I was the mum of the other two I wouldn’t be very pleased at changing their arrangements to go into town on the bus because you weren’t comfortable. Fair enough not to allow your dd to go but taking all three and hovering I wouldn’t be pleased with. Maybe they want their dd’s to have that experience and independence? IMO you either allow your dd to join them or you don’t.

nancyclancy123 · 21/08/2019 15:01

If you knocked on my door and gave me this information regarding my dd, I would be so grateful to you for telling me.
Definitely let her parents know!

Itsacrazyworld · 21/08/2019 15:03

I’d want to know OP.
Hope the mother will appreciate this.

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