to say ILs can't join our holiday

[DropZoneOne]

We've booked a few days away next week in a static caravan before DD goes back to school. It's been a stressful year and this is a chilled out break.

DH was talking with ILs today. Apparently they are desperate to see DD and why don't they join us on our break for a couple of days.

Background: we live 250 miles from ILs. In the 20 years DH has been with me, they've visited about 10 times. We go to them 2-3 times a year, paying to stay in a hotel, plus DD stays with them in the summer. This year, DH hasn't taken DD when he's gone up and she didn't stay in the summer because BIL has moved back home so no spare room. However at no point have they suggested to come to us.

So as not to dripfeed, a month ago DHs mum came to visit. DH and his mum don't have a great relationship, this was the first time she'd meant DD. DH mum and stepmum are old friends, I'm pretty certain stepmum saw mum posting on social media about how lovely it was to see DD and is jealous, hence the sudden interest.

So AIBU to say our holiday is family time and they can come to see us in September instead?

YADNBU. Say what you said, that the holiday is booked already and they can come and visit in September.

YANBU. It changes the dynamic when you have two more adults to consider and compromise with. Lord knows holidays with children are enough of a compromise sometimes anyway. Quickly suggest a date in September and emphasise how much you are looking forward to doing X on said date.

By ILs do you mean your DH dad and stepmum? I’m confused

What does DH think?

Could you say that the caravan isn't big enough for two extra people? And yes, they can come and visit you when you are home in September.

Just say there's no space and arrange something for another time

It's unclear if your AIBU is towards your husband or In laws.

It's somewhat irrelevant but important how you approach this.

If towards your husband, then your question should more be about your issues with your husband not protecting your seemingly precious family time.

If it's directly to your inlaws then your issue is that your husband doesn't share your thoughts on this topic and you should be talking to him.

Involved parents, grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins, etc etc etc are all very very important, but to expect a carefree break with your family is not unreasonable and I don't feel there are any unreasonable elements on your side at all.

They are your husband's parents. You are perfectly within your rights to want a private family holiday.

They are not desperate to see her or they'd have made the effort before now. A bright cherry no followed by you are welcome to visit sometime in Sept when school has settled in again

No don’t say there’s not enough space as they’ll say they’ll book their own van and only sleep there! Say you want the time just the 3 of you.

I agree with sweetening the no with another offer though

@Mascarponeandwine

I understand your sentiment but she (or he) shouldn't pander to parents. Grandparents are a critical part of a child's life, but you do not need to make excuses to have a family holiday.

If you need to say "the caravan is already booked" next time the grandparents might just book a big one.

If a family want to have a holiday, they can. They don't need to justify their desire to spend close family time together to anyone.

Having a private family holiday is NOT excluding anyone from the holiday. It's a family holiday and you get to exclusively choose who goes. You absolutely do not need to justify this to anyone.

Stepmum?

If you don't want them there then it's o.k. to say no it's just family time. Having someone extra there will change the dynamic and if you need a chilled out break it's not ideal.
We always go away with either my mum on DH's dad when we go on holiday because DD(9) loves sharing a holiday with extended family. We went on holiday without a grandparent once and she was like this is nice and everything but where the hell is nanny or grandad .
We can do this because they are easy guests if your ILs are more challenging you are entitled o say no.

Regardless of your relationships with them... I once went on a caravan holiday, in a caravan that supposedly had 1 double bedroom, a twin room and space for 2 more on the sofas. But, the beds were tiny! DP and I ended up having to have a room each as we couldn't sleep together in the beds. I would therefore, just say there won't be room.

I don't get the dilemma. I loved my parents and they were great fun. I love my in laws (well only MIL left now) and really enjoy their company. But if I had booked a few days with dh and kids and was looking forward to it I'd have no problem saying "oh that sounds lovely but we were really looking forward to having a break just ourselves so we'll pass if you don't mind. Lets figure out another time to get together" Why would you need to say "there is no space" - next thing they will be booking their own caravan next to you.

I can't imagine anyone getting offended because they can't invite themselves along on someone else's break. If they do it's their problem.

Yes sorry, the ILs are DH dad and his stepmum. They asked DH, i don't know what he said to them but it will no doubt have involved "sounds great, let me check with Drop" because he always agrees first and asks me later, and then gets a face on when i don't jump for joy.

There's definitely no space in our van, but i still don't want to share my holiday. I've spent way too many weekends with them to know that they have very loose plans and terrible time keeping and we'd spend our time waiting around for them. Plus DD is 11 now - i want to spend time with her whilst she wants to spend time with me, and selfishly not share that!

time for i may have raised eyebrows at the "desperate to see DD" comment.

YANBU to say no, we're having a holiday as a family. You can visit in September.

Not a chance. Tell Dh to say no, as it's just a break away from the 3 of you.

Why hasn't DH taken DD up this year? They would have seen her then. Would DD like to see them? Has she missed spending time with them.

"We already have plans...but here is our availability for September"...should work!

I stupidly said my mother could come on holiday with us this yr and she’s gone and invited my sister and her DP and DS too.
Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Stand firm and kind on your ‘No, we’ve been looking forward to spending this time together, just the three of us.’ Then add a sweetener of a weekend together later in the year.

I’ve just weathered a huge strop because I won’t book - and pay for - a house we can all stay in together .

My eldest is 18. I think this might be our last family holiday for ages and was thrilled that he wanted to come.
I’m fucking ruing the day I said yes to my mother.

I'd have no problems telling DH this wasn't happening.

My sympathies, Arseface. No good deed goes unpunished.

Just say no. Agree with Jammydodger1981 and pallisers.

You might say something like 'Tt's lovely that you want to see dd but we are having a little family holiday just the three of us and we need a break away to just be together."

Don't waste any energy making up elaborate reasons etc. Just make it clear you all need to be a three together.

Tell your dh that is how you want it.

If you inlaws want to see your dd another time they can make suggestions and plans or you can tell then what is possible.