How to pick myself up from rock bottom?

[PickMyselfUpAgain]

My husband has left me. It's been coming a long time with a few false starts of him leaving and coming back but it's for good this time. There has been someone else involved on his side which I suspected but only had confirmed recently.

I've been at rock bottom before but had hope we'd fix things. I now know that's gone forever and I'm now sitting here wondering how my life will be.

I know this [sadly] happens all the time to lots of people so I guess I'm hoping some lovely MNetters might share some stories to help me feel positive about my future. This isn't the life I envisioned for myself and it scares me.

(I should say I have a million things to be thankful for - my [very young] children, family and friends so I'm not alone, it's just my best friend and person I expected to spend my life we doesn't want me and that hurts - not to mention he's not the person I though he was).

xx

Really sorry OP.
Be kind to yourself, take things a day at a time, do nice things and don’t think too far ahead at the moment. Just focus on now, being with your kids & people you love & that’s enough for now 💐

Oh bless you
I’ve been there.
It takes time, for me a long time.
But be kind to yourself. Get as much support as you can. Do lots of walks in nature. Allow yourself to cry, scream, rage (I shout in my car lots!) and feel all the emotions - this will help pass them quicker than if you try and avoid them or distract yourself so you can’t feel them by being too busy, with alcohol etc.

I now know that's gone forever and I'm now sitting here wondering how my life will be.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will look back and realise you have passed the point of rock bottom and are on your way up.
Rock bottom is when you can't see any future for yourself, or any future without him and can't let him go.

Reconnect with yourself. Find some music you like, something to read, a craft to do in the evening. an activity to do in the daytime. Find a new food to try once a week. Plan meals you enjoy. Do small things that interest you or make you happy.

Thank you both. I feel so ashamed. I've been swearing about him a lot and I don't usually swear! It's been cathartic. But I just can't bear all the gossiping that will inevitably go on and how life will be sharing children and the upheaval that will have to happen.

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this, op. Of course it hurts.
Having ended an awful marriage myself, I would say these things help me when I'm at my lowest.

1. Keeping a journal to write your feelings down, or even if you have something to say to ex, you can express that there. It's your safe space. Writing things down is very therapeutic and different from talking about things. I've read encoding takes place when we write, so it can help you to make sense of things, or look at things differently.

1. Allow yourself to cry, wallow, whatever you need to express. Crying out the feelings is very healing.

1. When I'm feeling crap inside, doing something nice for my body takes me out of the cycle of overthinking. It doesn't have to cost anything. A shower, a bath, a face mask, a face massage, brushing my hair, dry body brushing, putting on body lotion, etc, all these physical acts of taking care of myself makes me feel loved and cared for. Even doing one thing to physically take care of myself and focusing on the sensations helps to take me out of my own head.

1. Do the things you do every day, but differently. Eg, taking a different route to work, or trying a new recipe, changing your room around can help to create a distraction and make you focus more on the present and future rather than the past.

1. Have you considered counselling? It really might help you to understand why you accepted his treatment of you for such a long time.

Be kind to yourself, I really hope you find peace in your heart.

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. I’ve been where you are and it’s bloody hard and there’s no quick fix. Be kind to yourself, accept help that’s offered, and don’t worry if it takes longer than you thought/hoped to feel better. It took me a LONG time to get back on an even keel and even now, 6 years on, I can still have the odd wobbly moment out the blue. Lots of love. X

Thank you for the suggestions and comments. I know to just take it day by day but the future is scary and just not what I wanted. I have genuinely tried so hard and put up with so much and I just feel wasted now.

Swearing is allowed, feeling ashamed is not

I've been in a similar position. 8 week old baby and found out my partner (now ex) had been unfaithful. Totally devastated. I cried for weeks.

Fast forward to now and I couldn't be happier. My DP of 10 years is a gem, my daughter is a lovely young woman. I don't even hate my ex.

You will come back from this. Don't lose faith in yourself. You are strong and you will get through this.

I’m 9 months on now. The upheaval was hard. My 7 year old DD coped really well. Selling our house wasn’t easy, moving in with parents for a couple of months wasn’t either! I’ve recently made a few forays onto the dating scene and was surprised to be very much in demand!

I can only say that it does get better. I still have the odd wobble but I am genuinely far happier single now. DD is also visibly more content. She is totally adapted to the new normal!

Thank you. I need to hear these things! I'm so pleased people do find happiness.

One blessing is that I'm much stronger/more prepared for this now than when he first dropped the bomb. So as someone said earlier, I'm not at true rock bottom. But having the rug pulled from me multiple times is not great for my self-esteem. But I don't think I loved him at the end as he was just so horrible in the way he treated me. So it's not like the shock of the first time and dealing with loving someone who doesn't want you. I despise him for how he's treated me.

Sending support. It's great you are thinking about picking yourself up. That in itself is very positive.

Good times are coming though they may feel far away.

I'm not sure if anyone will see I've posted again but I've just re-read this thread to give myself a kick.

Since posting we've tried again but the same things keep happening - I am an eternal optimist and desperately hope we can save our marriage (even though I don't love him - I was hoping I could fake it until I make it) and he just can't see how unbelievably unfair he's been over a number of things.

So please tell me how do I develop the strength to stop repeating the same pattern where I believe he'll change even though he's not shown anything to suggest he will (or at least not kept up the pretence for long enough!)?

If I was a friend looking at my situation I would be screaming to leave him (some friends have said this and others have been more on the fence saying they'll support me regardless).

I'm just shocked at myself for keeping letting him back even though deep down I know it's doomed.

I imagine the false starts him coming and going affected your confidence, made you feel low, the suspicions of the OW.
Now it is over, enjoy the peace start your own story, life is a blank page a new start.
Nurture yourself, allow family and friends to help, come back fighting. ♥️

Oh OP I see your update.
End this tragic story. Your DC are young.
My Dsis is going through it years her young teens are well aware, they have been affected by it all.
Hopefully posters with better advice will come along.
You deserve so much more, end this.

You need to get some therapy to stop repeating the destructive pattern.
You need to get to the bottom of you put up with this shit sorry his shit. 😥

Read the chumplady site. Lots of the columns speak to your situation.

If you have dc then think of a contact arrangement that will suit you and allow you to pursue some "you" things.

Bumping

I'm arranging some therapy and I [mostly] love the Chump Lady site (don't agree with all of her views if I'm honest).

I definitely feel like I've had enough and am adamant we must make the break but I'm also dreading everything that will come. It's so weird one day being "friends" and the next he hates me. And I'm dreading telling our children (who are very young but old enough to notice).

Thanks so much for everyone who has replied. It's so lovely to have support from strangers when I feel so low.