To not want to go to DP family events alone?

[MoomimWoomin]

Ive been with DP a long time now, going on 7 years and we have lived together the past couple. He works ALOT and his hours are erratic and so his mum also complains about how she doesn't see him enough.
Every now and then there is a family get together she wants us to go to at hers or even just dinner the four of us and he is working so can't make it and expects me to come alone.
I do not want to go alone as I find her really hard going, she is very pushy and constantly makes awkward comments about grand babies and getting married and going on a family holiday etc. She is a bit of a Smother We are still in our mid 20s so not ready for any of that yet!
Of course we go when he is available and I just deal with it but I really don't want to go myself, she makes me feel very uncomfortable and frankly I find me going alone to go have dinner with his parents a little strange. AIBU?

Just go together and if she invites you when OH busy and you don't want to go, just say so sorry, I've already got plans but let's book in a meal for x date when both of us are free (both meaning you and OH)

I dont think it's strange she invites you alone, maybe she is just being polite?

I also dont think it is unreasonable you don't want to go. Next time just say "no thanks do is working so I am going to see my friend"

Also he could have some one on one time with family so dont feel obliged to go every time he does either.

Thank you I am glad AINBU in not wanting to go alone. @LL83 I have suggested this to him recently and he has been a couple times the past month without me, I hope this keeps up.
The invites come so often I feel awkward making an excuse every single time, I work the same shifts every week and so she knows when I am free. I do feel bad but I just really dread going when its both of us never mind on my own, I don't even think I could force myself to go alone it makes me so uncomfortable.

Well it's great that she extends you an invitation no? That's she's interested in you separately from your DP?
Alternative is she doesn't give a damn about you and only wants to see her son. Preferably without you. That would also make you feel crap.

It's a shame that she is so full on though otherwise it could have been a lovely dynamic all round. You've done well to politely avoid and only go when you can both go together. If you keep it up like a broken record eventually their expectations will adjust?

@brassbrass Yes it is wonderful that she shows an interest in me but it is also as you say a shame she is so full on. I do think I have a bit of social anxiety however I don't think I am exaggerating the situation. For example she has a cupboard of baby clothes she collects and says they are for her gc which she shows to me, but she doesn't have any. When I was still a teenager she asked me if I would breast feed her grandchildren, things like this make me want to run out the house haha

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Oh you don't have to convince me some women are their own worst enemies and ruin everything by not being able to see the bigger picture. As for the clothes and breastfeeding who needs that kind of pressure anyway?

I think its lovely that she invites you. Mine never calls, texts or gets in contact with me. 🙁 I would gladly swap and have dinner with her! Feels horrible to be pushed out.

(The invites come so often I feel awkward making an excuse every single time, I work the same shifts every week and so she knows when I am free

You've already recognized her attachment style - smother/engulf.
The above behaviour is her way of putting pressure on you/DP - and to undermine you when you try to lay down boundaries.

Re the pressure - train yourself not to feel guilt for saying no.
You and DP need to decide how often weekly/monthly is reasonable you both to visit his parents/functions, especially given that you have lives/friends etc of your own that also require your time and attention.

This boundary makes it that much easier to say 'no'.

You also need to reduce the kind/amount of info she has re your personal lives.
The more she knows of your routines/schedules the more ammunition she has to bend you to her will.
She doesn't know what you do with your free time unless you tell her - so don't tell her.

Start stocking up on and practicing phrases like "That doesn't work for me/us", explains it all without giving details about the why's/wherefore's.
Start realizing and practicing your boundaries - and consequences for any violations.

I think you'd have to class the invites as nice or polite.
But you don't have to go, say you're seeing your family.

@SavingSpaces2019 Thank you for your reply, now that I know AINBU I can stop worrying and feeling guilty by not going.
I shall practice and store some excuses away for when she springs it on us. I will need to make excuses that involve both of us as when I say DP is working she replies "well you can still come then".
Believe it or not I think she is less pushy and inappropriate etc. In front of DP as when he leaves the room she gets a lot more full on and asks me things that make me want the ground to swallow me up hence why I just refuse to go on my own as I think she will let loose!

Say, dp your mum wants to know if we'd breastfeed our children.
When he come back into the room.

I can only imagine what she’s going to be like if you do ever have children