How do I respond to this now? AIBU to be hurt?

[Leila000]

Backstory: I posted a few weeks ago about being upset that after suffering two late miscarriages within a few months of each other, my oldest and closest friend seemed to have disappeared and was barely in touch. (Thank you everyone who replied with support - it was really appreciated.)

Well after a couple of weeks, I did finally hear from her. She texted asking how I was. Instead of doing what I would usually do, and replying saying that I was 'fine' or 'coping' or 'up and down' (my stock replies in the past few months of baby loss!) I decided that we'd been friends long enough for me to be honest. I told her I wasn't coping very well and that it had been the most physically and emotionally draining time. I was more honest that I would normally be with my emotions, but I was just sick of putting on a brave face.

And guess what.... she didn't reply. I was so hurt that I had been so open and just got silence in return. Finally after nine days she sent a reply that completely ignored everything I had said and just said 'ok hopefully will see you soon. Lots of love x'

I know that baby loss, and the emotions that come with it, make people uncomfortable. I know she probably didn't want to hear how I was really feeling, but I was desperate for some support. It's been such a lonely time and I thought a friend of 15+ years would be willing to give it. I've gone through this massive life event and she hasn't shown a single bit of interest. I'm meant to be getting married in a few months and wanted her to be bridesmaid but that feels tainted now that she's made me feel so rubbish.

AIBU to be hurt? Or are my emotions and grief getting in the way of me thinking straight? And also, what do I reply to her now? I'm not sure if I should bring up how I'm feeling or just leave it and move on.

Of course YANBU, so sorry for your loss OP. You would thin the appropriate reply to a text like that from a very close friend would be either a phone call or asking if you wanted to meet up for a chat.

She's heartless leave her where she is ok.

Sorry for your loss x

You don't respond to that.

I'm really sorry that on top of everything you've been going through your friends are c*nts.

YANBU, I think I'd leave her to it, I think her lack of response would kill the friendship for me.

I'm really sorry for your loss op. Has your friend lost a baby also? My friend lost a baby at 11 weeks..I was devastated as I've previously lost at 12 weeks. It brought back all of the emotions and I really struggled for a while afterwards. I tried to be supportive but found that really tough

This is so hard. In fact I think texts are the very worst way to communicate in these circumstances. It allows people who dont know how to handle it to slip away. The reason it is harder for them is they have have not had enough practice. If you want the friendship, arrange to meet up and talk face to face. There is no place for texts. They cannot show feelings and are likely to be misinterpreted. That said many people have difficulty empathising. They are not bad people.

Sorry for your losses

Yanbu, I would let that friendship die to be honest, she doesn't sound like nice person let alone a good friend

Sorry you are going through this.

I would just not make any further contact. She's not a good friend....

Wow, she's shit alright. I'd respond with a bit of a WTF? message, but that's not for everyone.

I'm going to play devils advocate here and ask whether in your big text to your friend, you asked how she was doing?

I 100% understand that you're going through a very hard time at the moment, and I am truly sorry for your loss. But perhaps, just maybe, your friend is struggling with her own issues and is sat feeling the exact same tings about you i.e. "My friend of 15 years hasn't even asked how I am, and I don't think I can cope". The fact she didn't reply is what suggests to me that maybe she just read your message and found it overwhelming that (possibly) a) you never asked how she was b) she just may not have the strength right now to juggle another persons woes.

I know that when we are struggling with our own MH problems/ hard battles, it is so easy to become a little self-involved. It's normal and its your bodies own way of protecting itself. I'm not asking you to take on your friends problems, I'm just suggesting that you open your mind to the possibility that she is going through something of her own and is equally incapable of thinking about you right now.

Any chance she could be pregnant?She could be feeling guilty/awkward if so and is worried about you finding out and feeling hurt.

Very sorry for your loss too

I'm so sorry for your losses OP. 💐

Even if your friend had experienced her own losses or difficulties, I would expect her to show a little more empathy knowing what you're going through. Nine days is a ridiculously long time to wait before replying to a text and ignoring you reaching out to her. If I had received a text from a close friend like the one you sent her, I would have called them up straight away. I do understand that things can be lost in translation via text, but I don't think it's an excuse for her to ignore you.

You can either reach out and tell her how much she has hurt you (and it may well be that she is going through her own issues) or you can decide not to contact her any further for now and focus instead on reaching out to people who are going to support you. It depends on how much you value this friendship.

Just reply ‘oh fuck off will you’

That’s probably what I would do. Letting people get away with being twats does no one any good.

I’m so sorry OP.

I had similar last year, not a baby loss but a really horrible situation. I was really struggling and contacted a friend. It was clear in the message I was falling apart and just needed her to say she was there. No response. At all. I decided then to draw a line under the friendship. We still have the occasional contact but it’s just pleasantries. We aren’t friends anymore in the way I think of friends being.

this is why I help no one. As no one ever helps when its your turn to be helped.

Thank you all for your replies. Really appreciate them.

To answer some of the questions - she hasn’t gone through a baby loss and almost definitely isn’t pregnant or considering becoming pregnant any time soon. I don’t think she’s going through any major life troubles at the moment but I guess I cant know for sure.

I think she just doesn’t know what to say so says nothing. She did something similar when another friend lost a family member to suicide about 8 years ago, but she’s matured as a person in so many other ways since then (and talks about how she regrets her behaviour at that time) so I thought she would have learnt from that.

She's obviously really lacking in emotional intelligence. Just ignore her. Cut her off.

I'm sorry too

OP: Some friends don't come up to the mark in these situations, other friends, perhaps people you didn't think of as good friends. Disappointing, yes. Remember it for next time - she's not a source of support in emotional distress.

That said many people have difficulty empathising. They are not bad people. This

She's obviously really lacking in emotional intelligence. Just ignore her. Cut her off. I'm sure most people wouldn't say this about someone lacking conventional IQ type intelligence, so why different for lacking emotional intelligence?

If this happened to my friend I'd show up at her door with wine, takeaway and the nicest scented candle I could find. She's selfish and inconsiderate. She's not your friend.

Not everyone can cope with people telling them stuff like this. I've come to the conclusion that some people help as much as they can and others just can't.

We can’t know if there’s anything going on with her but I certainly wouldn’t be asking her to be my bridesmaid if I were you

I am very sorry you have had this loss.

It's possible she could have been testing the waters to see whether telling you about a pregnancy or miscarriage of her own would be OK.

If I received a message like yours in that situation, I'd probably reply with something like that after a couple of days of trying to find the least hurtful way to extricate myself. If I wasn't in pieces from a recent miscarriage of my own/thinking it meant it doesn't get easier to cope with when still in the 'please tell me it gets better' frame of mind.

I know I avoided people shortly after my miscarriages because I didn't want to hear their stories or to talk about mine. Which is completely different to how you feel - showing there is no 'right' way to feel or behave. The only people I could handle were those who said absolutely nothing about it, because that meant I could have respite/distraction from feeling it for a short time. I didn't tell anybody in real life about my brother dying for ages, either.

Or she could be uncaring. Or just not know what to say to somebody still in the early stages of grieving.

The point is, you don't know, so try to concentrate upon yourself/your healing and not on how other people have failed to say the right things for you. Because we're people. We're going to say or do the wrong things.

Either she is a friend or she isn't. If she is your friend then you will care enough about her to understand and want to talk to her face to face. You don't know how she is. You haven't asked. She probably cares very much about you and how you are. Sympathy for big things is very hard to do by text, whatever you say sounds trite - so meet and talk - share how you are both feeling - and maybe enjoy each others' company too - it might be good for you both - and she says she wants to see you.

Unless you want to be "right" that she is a bitch and that she is no loss. In which case why were you ever friends?

she's not a REAL friend.
she's a fairweather friend.

definitely NOT bridesmaid material.