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AIBU?

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Original poster

Supporting my DS with his football.

33 replies

LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:10

My ex and I separated years ago. We have 2 DC's.

DS 9 plays football. He enjoys it but is by no means obsessive over it.

He plays for 3 football teams...the local town, another development team and the local team where his friends play. This means that minimum there is football 5 days out of 7 and this is a mixture of training, local games and also the odd game within a 100 mile radius.

My ex is completely on board with all of this, telling DS about the promising career he will have and focusses on his 'aptitude and attitude'. I struggle with this partly because I want him to enjoy football and not place too much importance on it.

So this week DS is with me and is with me 70% of the time. There has been a request for him to attend one game daytime this week with 4 days notice 1 hour away. There is also a training session that I cant make the start for - I finish work the time the training session starts. I have suggested the ex collects my DS from my DM (who has no car) and he take him for the first 10 minutes and I'll come straight from work.

All hell has broken loose. My ex has said that I'm not committed to nurturing our DS's sporting talent. He is happy to use his annual leave to do this - I am not for every single time. Furthermore, my boss is accommodating when I have childcare issues and i don't want to take advantage over football practice.

My ex also pointed out that I have used some of my leave to spend with my DP (we don't live together) and not the kids and how this is unacceptable as 'every hour of his has been spent with the kids'.

I haven't gone into the impact of all of this training on my other DC, but games/training means precious opportunities for family time is decreased.

Am I being completely unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 20/08/2019 12:14

This is crazy. Both of mine have played football. Ds2 still does.
The 3 teams thing is nonsense.
Ds2 plays for a local team and the school team.
I don't know what exh is expecting but this is just not reasonable.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 12:18

YANBU and he is being ridiculous. Don't entertain his rubbish

Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:19

I agree. For me it should be two teams max...I'd prefer the local town team and then a kick about in the street if I'm honest.

DS isn't academically gifted - he struggles with reading. My ex never picks book up with him yet berates me for not supporting him in football. We have completely different viewpoints here.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 12:21

@LetsPlayDarts I mean is he actually that good at football that he may have a professional career or is you ex a bit deluded?

Sirzy · 20/08/2019 12:22

Can another parent take him to the game?

Realistically it’s not a sustainable level, especially with other children involved. For it to remain sustainable for longer then you ex needs to take it on when it not “his time”

Surely lots can’t make mid week games?

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 20/08/2019 12:23

He's being ridiculous.

Is DS signed to a proper football club (one in a national League)? Sounds like your Ex thinks he's the next Ronaldo.

Queenioqueenio · 20/08/2019 12:23

My DS plays for a town team and a development squad, he also did separate training on an additional day. 3 football activities a week was totally unmanageable, took away time for the other kids. We’ve scaled it back massively.
I would keep your works flexibility for childcare issues, not use up the goodwill for football.
I don’t agree he should tell you how to use your annual leave but I get his point about him using his on childcare exclusively.

Clangus00 · 20/08/2019 12:24

Playing for three teams is a bit overkill. Especially when you factor in all the training. You say your son isn’t obsessive....who signed him up for all these teams?

Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:25

@AryaStarkWolf he is very good. Put him against his peers in the town team and head one of the best.

I am by no means an expert but whilst he's very good, he's not completely, completely outstanding.

OP posts:
Queenioqueenio · 20/08/2019 12:29

LetsPlayDarts can I ask what month he was born in? My DS’ coach gave us a good dose of reality in saying realistically at youth level the September-Dec born are generally the ones that make it. As they are faster, stronger and more muscular earlier - advantage due to being oldest in year group.
It was a hard message to hear for my July born DS but totally true. This reinforced my thinking on what was important.

Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:30

He has played Championship league teams.

I agree with other parents sharing lifts but my ex seems to want to 'own' this side of things.

They travel by coach. My ex isn't happy for DS to travel on the team coach without one of us being there on the other side. That can involve a couple of hours travel each way.

I'm just struggling to meet all of this. I work full time and its a shift pattern that spreads 7 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:31

@Queenioqueenio. He's an older one.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 12:32

They travel by coach. My ex isn't happy for DS to travel on the team coach without one of us being there on the other side. That can involve a couple of hours travel each way.

If your ex isn't happy about the arrangements all the other boys have then that's 100% on him

Oblomov19 · 20/08/2019 12:33

Next Ronaldo? Hmm
We all know that this (getting up at 7am to drive to a match, an hour away, in the pissing rain) is going to lead exactly NOWHERE! Grin

Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:33

@Clangus00 He played for the local team and was spotted by coaches from the others.

I think at the very least he should drop the local team but my ex is mates with the dads. That's why I expect that's still carrying on.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 20/08/2019 12:35

This sounds like your ex using whatever is convenient as a stick to beat you with. Not really fair on your son either to be used this way. Sporting parents (those who think their child is the next Ronaldo, Archer or anything else) can be just so obsessive. they try to live out their sporting fantasies through their kids and I think that your ex might also be doing this. ask your ds what he wants to do and be guided by him not some knob that you are no longer with.

Drum2018 · 20/08/2019 12:38

You do what you need to when ds is with you. Ex can be obsessive on his own time. He cannot dictate what you do, when you take leave from work or how Ds travels. So in future if there's a coach organised and parents don't have to go, then let Ds off on the coach. If you finish work at training time then Ds misses training or is late. You simply can't be in 2 places at once so work takes priority. As for playing in 3 teams there really is no need. Let him concentrate on one and do his best. He will burn himself out with all the training/games for 3 teams - its ridiculous to expect him to be physically able for that.

savethebeestoday · 20/08/2019 12:49

My OH works for a premiership football club. They take kids from age 6. Most of those players will stay with the club until they're 16 and then they're let go. They're very very good players, but just not good enough. 99% are let go. Kids who have had professional coaching for 10 years.
Then they have nothing. They do their school work when at the club, but this is all they know, football.

I would encourage you to drop some of the football, and even get him to focus on other activities. The likelihood of him being good enough is very slim, and your ex is an arse for pushing this on him - and you!

Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:55

Thank you for the replies. @mummymeister, I think you're right. Any opportunity to criticise my parenting is taken. Any opportunity for him to outwardly look the 'perfect parent' is jumped upon.

I work full time and that gives us other opportunities, such as a family holiday and a curry and movie night...not to mention a career. He just wants me at home with limited options.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 12:57

@savethebeestoday Amen! I want DS to have the tools to be a happy adult...not an adult who didn't make it and has limited options. I was wondering if this viewpoint was clouding my judgement over all of this.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 12:57

He just wants me at home with limited options.

He's your ex, he has no say over any of this, stop allowing him to make you question yourself and let your DS take the bus with his friends!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/08/2019 13:05

Bloody hell. I'd say taking him to training on 5 out of 7 days is very committed to your sons sport. It's one day that's not convenient. He is holding you up to an impossible standard. And it's not fair on your other children if you've used up all your goodwill at work on something non essential
The holiday thing is none of his business unless it is significantly affecting your kids (eg couldn't afford to take them on holiday as youd spent all your disposable income on a holiday with new partner)

Original poster
LetsPlayDarts · 20/08/2019 13:27

@AryaStarkWolf you're completely right.

@AmIRight They've had 10 nights abroad and three weekends away with me this year. Ex has taken them nowhere. I think the majority of this is borne out of jealousy by the fact that I've made a success of being on my own. My 'rich boyfriend' Hmm is another bone of contention for him but that's a whole new thread.

As a poster said above, when DS is with me I'll do what I can do. If he can help when I'm stuck then great. DS is on a trial period with this town club - if that comes to an end (they've kept him hanging for a while) then it'll have to be only the two teams he plays for.

Also, thanks for all of your suggestions and opinions. Its clearly not just about football and control is playing a huge part here.

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 20/08/2019 13:59

@LetsPlayDarts may I suggest that you take an opportunity to chat with your DS and explain why you can't and/or don't want to do as much with his football as his father does? Just to ensure that your ex isn't poisoning his young mind with 'Mummy doesn't want you to be a professional footballer so she wont support you' crap?

I heard so many tales from friends of their sons being 'chosen' at a young age as one of the stars of the future, selected for all sorts of academies and suchlike (rugby as well as football) and they gave up everything else in their lives so they could pursue this. They have ALL been 'dropped' somewhere between the ages of 13 and 16 which would be fine but because of the pressure to train during the week, and be available for matches or training every weekend they have lost valuable links with non-footballing friends and many have had huge struggles socially as they try to reconnect with 'normal' kids of their own age.

Blobby10 · 20/08/2019 14:00

Sorry - didn't mean that to turn into a rant about sports academies from a young age (!) but I think you are the sensible parent in this case and if your ex wants to take your son to every training session then he can do it himself!

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