Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have finished my relationship?

19 replies

Troubledee · 20/08/2019 07:27

My bf and I have been together for six months. He has a dd who is nearly six, who I haven’t met yet, with his ex who he broke up with about 18 months back. They were together 8 years. I came out of a ten year relationship the same time but have no dc of my own.

We get on amazingly, except for one thing is always causing issues - his ex.

She texts him constantly and I mean constantly. His phone never stops beeping from her. This was really frustrating and in the early days she was texting about her now bf (product of an affair whom she left my bf for) and other things. I put my foot down and said fine for her to text about their dd but things like her relationship is cutting the boundary. Bf was getting into conversations with her about her now relationship and tbh it bothered me so he said any texts of that nature or not relating to their dd he would tell her he’s not interested. I’m not naive enough to think he’s gone by this.

Anyway, she’s a constant in his life which I understand - they have a dd together, but she is nasty to him and slates his parenting (he is a wonderful dad). She puts down the phone on him if she’s not getting her own way. She did text him a few months back saying she had made a mistake (when she found out about me coincidentally) but he said he wasn’t interested in what she had to say.

He’s not a particularly caring or affectionate person by nature but he’s made me feel as secure as I can be with her in his life.

The latest is that her bf said something nasty to the dd (involving swearing) because she wouldn’t go to bed. She’s 6 and the stuff he called her was not nice. He has form for being mean to their dd but is never pulled up on it as far as I can gather. So rather than confronting the bf and asking him wtf he thought he was doing and packing his bags, she texted my bf to say her bf was calling their dd names. Now I, and a few friends I have spoken to have said there is no way I would text ex to tell him what a horrible fucker my bf is being to dd. It’s like she’s always wanting drama or even as a few friends have said is making situations where my bf might say leave the cock and come back. She’s done a few things like this. Bf says he will never get back with her and I believe him but the strain on our relationship is too much and I’ve ended things Sad I love him lots even after six months but I feel like she’s the extra person in our relationship.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2019 07:35

If you aren't up for dealing with the situation then probably better to end things now.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 20/08/2019 07:37

You give her too much head space.

There is nothing you or he can do to stop her messaging him. He will always have the phone on and read them because they might be about his daughter. You've dumped him , she's won.

Heartburn888 · 20/08/2019 07:39

You’ve done the right thing. In my opinion he should have been ignoring her when she’s texting stuff that’s not about their daughter. And as for the boyfriend saying nasty things to the child, then it’s her problem to sort out. If the boot was on the other foot and someone was saying leave him he’s no good she probably wouldn’t because it’s her choice who she is with and your right when you say she’s doing it to cause drama and play the feel sorry for me card.
Does your ex seem upset about you ending things?

Original poster
Troubledee · 20/08/2019 07:40

IAskTooManyQuestions, I know but when she was texting him about the bf being horrible. It’s like she seriously was texting to get him to say oh it’s ok come back. Why else would she be texting him that?

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 20/08/2019 07:42

You've only been together 6 months and this is already an issue I think you're better off cutting your losses and finding someone else. It's unlikely to get any better.

FairyDust92 · 20/08/2019 07:47

How does your ex feel about your split?
Do you think your relationship could work if he stuck by only contacting about DD?
I think his ex may have got what she intended to do now in my opinion...
I think if you think it can work if things change and you both stick by what ever you discuss/agree then maybe you need to sit down and talk it out and address the elephant in the room.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 20/08/2019 07:47

Why else would she be texting him that? Because she wanted a reaction? because she doesn't know how to deal with her BF? because she's frightened of the current BF? Because she needs another bloke to go round and sort him out ? Because she wants the father to step up and protect the daughter?

Just random guesses.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 20/08/2019 07:55

You aren't unreasonable to not want to be in this relationship. Imagine spending years of your life living like this? It sounds like she going to call the shots with him for a long time, which would be so draining and frustrating for you. Their circus, their monkeys. Luckily you are free to walk away from all this drama.

HennyPennyHorror · 20/08/2019 07:55

I would have ended it too. The fact that someone like that is going to be so embroiled in your exe's life isn't something a reasonable person wants to deal with.

She sounds unstable and not a good parent.

Original poster
Troubledee · 20/08/2019 08:00

When she text about the bf speaking to her dd like shit I asked him what she might think it was going to achieve texting him about it and what her motives might be. He didn’t really answer.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 20/08/2019 08:04

And you're already slating her having never heard her side of the story

Original poster
Troubledee · 20/08/2019 08:05

Oh shut up vulpine, I know enough of the situation to know she’s an absolute cock.

OP posts:
Windygate · 20/08/2019 08:05

They haven't 'finished' their relationship, they probably don't even realise that themselves. You've ended your short relationship with him which sounds like a sensible move.

Original poster
Troubledee · 20/08/2019 08:06

She cheated on him and she moved their dd in with the other man after four months of knowing him. Is that enough for you?

OP posts:
StateOfMind · 20/08/2019 08:09

You can end a relationship for any reason you choose. You weren’t comfortable with the amount of contact/influence his ex had and so you ended it. You don’t need anyone else’s validation. Having said that, it’s never a good sign if you are having such major issues early on in a relationship. Six months in is still the honeymoon phase for many couples. Sounds like you did the right thing to me!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 08:12

She cheated on him and she moved their dd in with the other man after four months of knowing him. Is that enough for you?

But she's also still very attached to him, emotionally, and he's accepting and encouraging that by consistently being in touch over things unrelated to their daughter. That's not just her choice, he's actively choosing to allow their relationship to continue by engaging.

YANBU to end a relationship for any reason. But I think Windy is bang on that their relationship isn't over even if they're unaware.

Duchessgummybuns · 20/08/2019 08:18

My boyfriend has an ex like this. Unfortunately once he started ignoring her theatrics she removed access to his son, and he had to take her to court to get access reinstated. SS are keeping an eye on the situation now as she has poor MH which is affecting her children. It’s been very stressful and I don't blame you for ending your relationship, as your boyfriend doesn’t seem ready to put boundaries in place with her.

MyOtherProfile · 20/08/2019 08:22

I think actually this text fits your criteria. If she is only allowed to text when it concerns dd (of course we know she hasn't stuck to this) then actually texting about bf mistreating DD does fit this bill.

Is your ex interested in getting back with you? Are you? In your shoes I would probably talk about this and ask that he immediately delete any text not to do with DD, and tell her he is doing that, and see how it goes from there.

Vulpine · 20/08/2019 10:34

Nothing is ever that black and white. Whats the point of demonising the ex? Shes not the devil and he ain't a saint.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread