Inappropriate touching?

[LilyRose1236]

Getting very creepy vibes from a colleague, who is considerably older than me.

Today he complimented me, and actually touched physically touched my earrings and necklace, touching my face on the way. I don't think this is appropriate.

He's said weird things too but I want opinions on just the touching - is this enough to speak to HR about, or am I being really over dramatic?

Not being overdramatic at all. Please speak to someone.

Definitely weird. I’d speak to someone about that.

Would you not feel comfortable saying something to him?

You’re not being over dramatic, speak to HR.

No, not OK to touch a colleague’s face. Definitely creepy.

What did he say that was weird? Be good to know the full context.

I think you should tell him not to touch you before going straight to HR. People should always be given the opportunity to correct their behaviour. Why didn't you bat his hand away ?

What did he say ?

Going to HR should really be used as, if not a last resort, a later resort.

Can you not tell him not to do it and escalate to HR if he doesn't listen? Is there anything stopping you from speaking out firmly and articulately to make it completely clear that you won't tolerate him touching you?

could you say to him, please don't touch me anymore, it's not appropriate and it makes me uncomfortable. if it continues then report to h.r. I would also make my line manager aware.

Of course it’s not appropriate op, what did he say when you told him to stop?

Hr will ask you if you’ve tried to sort this personally and then through your line manager. Have you done this?

It's never dramatic if it feels how you've described. Listen to your gut and don't let yourself be in a position where you feel upset.

When I was struggling to shake off my "don't make a fuss" upbringing, a friend said to me "Imagine it was happening to your daughter - speak up for yourself as if for her". So that's what I do now and I don't even have kids yet!

If it made you feel uncomfortable then it is inappropriate.

Now, people have different senses of personal space, but to actually touch you around your head and neck is a clear invasion IMO.

In an ideal world, you would be able to calmly say to him “I don’t like it when you do that, don’t do it again.” And if it was an innocent case of having different concepts of personal space, he would accept what you say, apologise, and keep a greater distance in future.

But standing up to someone like that is actually very difficult to do for many of us. And in any case, we know he’s being a slimeball. Some slimeballs will slink away when challenged and find another victim. Many will huff and puff and go on about how unreasonable you are. At that point, definitely involve HR.

But you could also do it straight away, if the thought of confronting him is too much. I had this with someone whose behaviour made my skin crawl, but because of the circumstances there was no HR to appeal to. I got myself worked up to tell him to keep his distance, but on the occasion I was going to do it, I became so anxious I was having palpitations and couldn’t speak to him. I had to resort to physically moving away from him (on all sorts of spurious pretexts) to prevent him touching me.

I’m not talking groping either. Some men can do ostensibly normal social physical contact in a way which is lascivious.

As Puzzled so eloqently described it, womens' upbringing & conditioning ill-equipes us for calling out intrusive behaviour as it happens. Our response is often to appease, & this, sadly, does not quell the inner predator of the intrusive male.

If unable to speak, or you feel your voice will quiver - whatever - it is PERFECTLY acceptable to bat away the offending hand. Accompanied by a look of disgust & a quick turning away (preparatory to swift exit if need be) it can be more effective. If you can back it up with a verbal reprimand -so much the better.
It's no use smiling & playing nice with these space invaders.

'No touching please' in a firm tone, with a smile and steely gaze if you like (hold eye contact a bit longer than needed to drive the point home!)

This has worked well for me in workplaces. A locum doctor used to drop things on the floor and brush his hand up my leg when picking them up when we were seated in the office. He was very senior to me but I didn't want to make a scene so the second time it happened (when I was sure it wasn't an accident) I said loudly 'do you realise that's my leg you're touching?' In a jokey way for everyone to hear. He never did it again!

Another colleague used to creep up behind me and touch the back of my neck, I think he genuinely lacked boundaries and did it to startle me more than be inappropriate but I told him not to and he didn't do it again (still did it to the men though!)

Or if you feel confident enough you could invade his space in return next time he touches you, eg touch his tie/glasses 'oh what pretty spectacles/tie/shirt buttons you have' he will almost certainly step back in alarm, especially if you do it in front of the team!

It’s unacceptable for a colleague to do this.

Not that it matters, but is it inappropriate in an I fancy you kind of way, or is it designed to make you uncomfortable in an power trip kind of way.

The answer to that might help me to decide how to deal with it.