AIBU To expect more from him?

[TwistedFairytales]

Me and DH have been married 14 years mostly very happy. The last couple of years things have been a bit tough but no more than usual life stressed and strains. He lost his Dad last year too.

Now, I should point out I have anxiety and so does he. He's very supportive of me in general. However the last few months his attitude and behaviour has really started to get to me.

1. He is so moany and negative about virtually everything. Nothing is ever right. Restaurant food, t.v programme, shirt he bought, kids behaviour, my cooking...He's never happy or satisfied with anything including friends and family. He seems to hate everyone and as a result has hardly any friends.

2. he does nothing around the house. I do all the cooking, gardening and the housework. If I ask him to it's a big old effort that he makes sure we all know he's doing it

3. he's always tired and stressed. Always. Every time I ask him how his day has been or how he is the answer is usually 'rough 'knackered' 'shattered' with head in hands or sighing. I know He has depression and anxiety but it is really starting to affect me with the constant negativity.

4. he won't manage finances. He just takes whatever money he likes from the cash point without checking what's there or what we have to pay for. Then if I challenge him he gets moody and stressy.

5. He acts more and more like a teenager. He comes in from work, will go upstairs and sleep for 40 minutes then have a 40 minute bath. Then he will go on his computer. By this time i have to call him down for dinner. He will then go straight back up to his computer room or back to bed to chill. He will leave his clothes where He takes them off, not clean up He bathroom and has a collection of crockery on his bedside table. He rarely spends family time with us downstairs.

6. he over reacts to everything. I can just brush things off. he gets really stressed by small things. Drinks being spilled, pen on the sofa, fingerprints on the tv he will go ape.

I have to point out I am not perfect and have let him get away with a lot of things over the years like the housework thing. Up until recently I was only working one day a week so it was fair enough. I'm working three now so I feel he needs to do more.

I know he struggles with anxiety and I almost feel guilty expecting him to do more as I don't want him to be worse. However I am feeling resentful about it. If I bring things up like this he just shuts down or will treat me like a bomb about to go off.

Obviously he does have positives but it's hard to see them when I'm feeling like this iykwim. I surprised him with a trip to Edinburgh for our anniversary and he was so different, like his old self (funny, silly, romantic, adventurous). But as soon as we are back in the daily grind he's like I described above.

AIBU to expect him to cheer up and step Up?

I feel I need to add the positives for some balance here:
Took ODS for a day trip to London recently

Will surprise me with a gift of something I like now and again

Does not drink or gamble or womanise, in fact he would sooner cut off his own thing than cheat. He is utterly loyal and faithful and always will be

He can be fun loving and loves comedy, theme parks and model trains. He's very clever and makes up funny rhymes. He's very politically savvy and his general knowledge is incredible.

I can be a control freak so I need to know if it's me or him being unreasonable!!!

He sounds down and depressed more than anything OP. Could he see a doctor? Is it time for a change of work?

Him not drinking, gambling or womanizing is not a positive. It’s standard.

Him being fun loving sounds like why you fell in love with him - from your post it doesn’t sound like that’s behaviour he’s exhibiting now.

He’s taking advantage of you. If he’s depressed or has anxiety is he seeking treatment for this? It’s fair enough to expect you to support him when he’s struggling. But NOT fair enough for you to be doing everything in the house and him acting like a teenager.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him when you’re both calm and you need to explain how this is making you feel. And be open to listening to him and his problems in the relationship too.

Ultimately, are you happy to spend another 30 years like this? If not, ask him to work with you to change it. And if he won’t, then you have the power to change it for yourself - you don’t have to do everything for him forever, you have a choice.

Is he medically diagnosed with anxiety and depression and treating it with either counselling or beta blockers and antidepressants? Or is he just using his mood as a way to get to do what he wants?

YANBU that must be horrible to live with. I can't imagine it's much fun or a good example for your DC either.

He sounds depressed. Is he actively engaged in treatment for his MH issues?

I have a lot of sympathy for people with depression and anxiety-- if they are trying as hard as they can to get better. Otherwise it's just a burden on you which is frankly selfish.

So you only worked one day a week, but now three? Has he worked full-time all this time?

It sounds to me like he's completely burnt out.

To start with he needs to re-engage with family life. Or you might as well be single.

Then make a plan for the rest of the issues. Do you only work three days a week because all of the housework falls on to you?

What is his job?

Is he getting help for his anxiety or depression?

He needs to access some support and stop acting like a teenager.

He is on medication for depression but frankly it's not working. He doesn't believe he has depression. He gets angry that even needs medication at all. I've tried to get him to counselling but he won't go, he doesn't believe in counselling and thinks it causes more problems.

He IS burnt out, his job is tough. He's a painter and decorator which despite what people think is a hard, dangerous and very physical job. He wants to do something else (train driving) and we have researched it together and I've been very encouraging and supportive. But he won't do it I know he won't. He never takes time off from work either as he's self employed even though i encourage him to. He always says 'I can't.

I was working one 12 hour shift as a nurse due to the children. But I've changed my job which is more school.friendly so I can work more. I.love my job and get down and bored at home all day which is why im now working more, it was always the plan. I'll go full time once they're in secondary school.
He came home from work today and the first thing he did was moan about how messy my car was and how the dog hairs might get matted into the carpet. The boys then tried to play a trick.on him which he wasn't interested in and brushed them off. I was pissed so we walked the.dog. when we got back he had an armful.of his clothes and towels from the bathroom floor that id left there and which the dog had peed on (can't help feeling a bit smug about that) so I told him if he hadn't left them there then they wouldn't be wet now. He threw them on the.kitchen floor and had now.stomped upstairs.

The amount of moaning and negativity since he's come home is shit. I don't particularly want to be around him now and in this situation, frankly I am better off if he's not here

Honestly OP I'd leave.

You've obviously done your best. And you're still trying to defend him. Lots of people work as painters and still manage to engage with their children and not throw urine soaked clothes on the floor in a temper as though everything is your fault.

Lots of people work full time in a career they don't love and still manage to be happy and contribute to family life. I was expecting you to say he was an ambulance worker, or something involving front line trauma. A painter?! Tiring, difficult- yes. But hardly a career that will inevitably result in a psychological injury.

He's taking no responsibility for his demeanour or illness. He just expects to be coddled forever because he has a diagnosis. Are you sure he is even taking the medication?

If it was me, I'd be telling him that our relationship is on the rocks. That I am not happy to continue on like this. I would ask that he come to marriage counseling with me. If he can't even be bothered doing that, then there is your answer. He's beyond help, leave him.