AIBU To expect him to change?

[TwistedFairytales]

Me and DH have been married 14 years mostly very happy. The last couple of years things have been a bit tough but no more than usual life stressed and strains. He lost his Dad last year too.

Now, I should point out I have anxiety and so does he. He's very supportive of me in general. However the last few months his attitude and behaviour has really started to get to me.

1. He is so moany and negative about virtually everything. Nothing is ever right. Restaurant food, t.v programme, shirt he bought, kids behaviour, my cooking...He's never happy or satisfied with anything including friends and family. He seems to hate everyone and as a result has hardly any friends.

2. he does nothing around the house. I do all the cooking, gardening and the housework. If I ask him to it's a big old effort that he makes sure we all know he's doing it

3. he's always tired and stressed. Always. Every time I ask him how his day has been or how he is the answer is usually 'rough 'knackered' 'shattered' with head in hands or sighing. I know He has depression and anxiety but it is really starting to affect me with the constant negativity.

4. he won't manage finances. He just takes whatever money he likes from the cash point without checking what's there or what we have to pay for. Then if I challenge him he gets moody and stressy.

5. He acts more and more like a teenager. He comes in from work, will go upstairs and sleep for 40 minutes then have a 40 minute bath. Then he will go on his computer. By this time i have to call him down for dinner. He will then go straight back up to his computer room or back to bed to chill. He will leave his clothes where He takes them off, not clean up He bathroom and has a collection of crockery on his bedside table. He rarely spends family time with us downstairs.

6. he over reacts to everything. I can just brush things off. he gets really stressed by small things. Drinks being spilled, pen on the sofa, fingerprints on the tv he will go ape.

I have to point out I am not perfect and have let him get away with a lot of things over the years like the housework thing. Up until recently I was only working one day a week so it was fair enough. I'm working three now so I feel he needs to do more.

I know he struggles with anxiety and I almost feel guilty expecting him to do more as I don't want him to be worse. However I am feeling resentful about it. If I bring things up like this he just shuts down or will treat me like a bomb about to go off.

Obviously he does have positives but it's hard to see them when I'm feeling like this iykwim. I surprised him with a trip to Edinburgh for our anniversary and he was so different, like his old self (funny, silly, romantic, adventurous). But as soon as we are back in the daily grind he's like I described above.

AIBU to expect him to cheer up and step Up?

YANBU send him to counselling he clearly needs it.

InterestingView he won't go 😑

You might well find your anxiety is much improved without his dragging you down.

Try it. You might find you like it.

Christ he sounds like hard work.
I would so not be able to put up with even a quarter of that.

So what if he has anxiety etc. He is completely taking you and your life together.

Tell him sort his self out or get rid of him.

Agree with pp either he drops the moodiness or he can feck off

It sounds much more like he has depression than anxiety - but some random (me) on the net ca't diagnose or help him with that - he needs to see a GP.

He won't change until he gets help, because ... how can anyone? It's hard. But it;s also possible to manage mental health difficulties wothout being a dick & making everyone else's life miserable.

He either wants to get help, & save his relationship with you or he doesn't. If he doesn't - there'll be no change, & why would you stick around for no change?

Kick him gently up the arse about a GP appointment & see what pans out, is my 1st advice ...

This has of course flitted through my mind. I wonder how different I'd feel. But I do love him and I want the good side of him back, the one I married.

I have mentioned to him about being upstairs too much. But he hasn't done a whole lot about it. His football mad son is watching the football right now and I feel he should be with him, as father and son. Instead he's upstairs on the computer with headphones on and I'm watching it with him instead even though I hate football.

Messolini9 I think You are right. He is already on anti depressants, a fact he hates. I personally feel they need increasing. Again though, it would be down to me to make the appointment and make sure he goes....mothering him again. I do think I need to.insist on that and counselling. He is struggling to see/realise he needs it.

See, when I felt my mental health was spiralling I went to the GP got help, got meds and counselling and relied on family and.friemds for support. He will.just wallow and only uses me as any kind of emotional support.
I think.some big arse kicking might be in order.

He sounds depressed, which makes you tired, irritable & retreating & isolating yourself. Is he taking anti depressants? If not he should be. Then when he's not locked in a cycle of low mood, tiredness & negativity any more, I'd address the not helping out more.

I'm afraid number 2 would be enough for me without everything else. He sounds hard to live with and like he values you very little