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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... To be angry that DH hasn't contacted me all day (hardly all weekend) and refuses to answer the phone or texts?

23 replies

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 18:48

DH is off with his cousin at an airshow, he was supposed to be back last night but the cousin decided he wanted to be driven home (an extra hour ontop of the 2 1/2 home) and asked if he wanted to go to a party. In the end they didn't go, so both spent the night at his cousins (which I am sure was planned, just to get away from me). He talked to me briefly when I rung him, spends loads of time textng his friends but not even one to me asking how me or DS is. Anyway, that I could live with but I asked him to text briefly this morning, just so I knew everything was OK and that's pretty much the last I heard of him. He is ignoring my calls, answering one to say he had a headache and talking on the phone made it worse, but I text him about DS and he didn't aswer, or answer my calls after I text him. He said he would let me know when he is leaving, but it's nearly 7 now and nothing. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 18:51

Have you been nagging or breezy?

Charlottesweb · 05/08/2007 18:52

Did you not want him to go to the airshow??

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 18:52

breezy. Be all "ok darling". But it's really p*ssing me off he wouldn't answer a text about DS.

OP posts:

Peachy · 05/08/2007 18:53

YANBU

Its off just havving a 'planned' night like this and being deceptive.

Why do you think he really wants to get away from you?

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 18:54

I don't mind that, but a tiny bit of contact wouldn't go amiss - literlly one or two phone calls, or at least not to ignore mine. Sorry, I am just all het up, he grabbed his deodorant, toothbrush, boxers and a tee-shirt last night on the way to his cousins and wouldn't give me 2 minutes of his time.

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 18:55

"just to get away from me"

Are you not getting on atm?

No, btw, you're not being unreasonable to expect your DH to be more friendly to you.

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 18:56

because he is a peice of nob cheese Now I don't know whether he is going to home tonight, I can see him coming up with an excuse to need to stay on his cousins floor rather than come home.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 18:58

we seemed ok to me, he was fine on the phone yesterday but then angry after I was upset that he grabbed his things and rushed back out the door instead of giving me 2 minutes. After that, when I called him he said "oh, I was just going to go to bed" (without calling me) and he sees nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am being too needy to expect maybe a bedtime phone call?

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 19:04

I wonder how many times it is acceptable to try and call before it beomces nagging

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 19:04

becomes rather

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 19:06

ahem, he just answered, the phone was in the car.

OP posts:

eandh · 05/08/2007 19:08

ooops

Miaou · 05/08/2007 19:09

Noidea, I get the impression there is more to this than this one incident. If my dh was going away for the weekend I would not expect more than one call a day, and possibly a couple of texts if convenient. I certainly wouldn't expect a "bedtime call". But that's just me.

I didn't quite follow the stuff about staying at his cousin's (two glasses of wine after 9 months abstinence ) - but I get the impression it wasn't planned and he didn't check with you first, just assumed it was ok? If so, then do you think he just ran in and out to avoid the (inevitable) argument about it? (Not excusing his behaviour, just asking).

eandh · 05/08/2007 19:09

is he on his way home now (this sounds just like my dh but he'd have 'forgotton' is phone or it 'would have run out of battery)

Original poster

NoIdeaOfAName · 05/08/2007 19:18

There is a whole load more to this than just this. I dunno if he was avoiding an arguement, it sounds very like him but to be honest I asked for a 2 minute cuddle, then just 1 min, then 30 secs (desperate, eh?) and he refused. I wasn't saying anything about him going but then I dunno what goes on in his head. He didn't ask, he told me... He is just about to leave, but he has to drop his cousin off an hour past 'our' junction then back again, so it may be about 4 hours ish.

OP posts:

dal21 · 05/08/2007 19:22

YANBU - if my DH was away, I would expect a few texts - especially first thing and last thing at night - as you say just to check in and say hi.

Re. the staying with his cousin - maybe he just needs some space and bloke time to do what blokes do? I always find after a little break away - they miss you which is nice.

Peachy · 05/08/2007 19:23

You sound a buit like me and quite needy- which is OK here because DH is the same. if your dh isn't it can be quite a boe of contention can't it?

However dismissing your needs isn't oK

It sounds like you both need to make some leways for the other, move a little in the others direction and head for a midpiont? If he needs more space thats OK, but he needs to balance that with reassurance.

TBH my repsonse would be to bin the phone (or hide it for a bit) and not amke any more texts etc, if he does let you know when he'll be home just say oh thats oK sweetie, see you then- when he gets in be otehrwise enaged (eg in the bath) but not in a shitty way- put a cup of coffee and a snack out for him, so he's welcome but not overwhelmed

Lorayn · 05/08/2007 19:36

I personally would be well annoyed if I went away and was expected to call/text more than once a day, but disappearing off to his cousins for the night.........
What is he normally like about sharing responsibility??
I was in a relationship with a guy that used to clear off whenever he wanted and have an abfab social life, yet i was always home with the baby, and when I called/texted etc it was often ignored, I had the 'phone was in the car/battery died/didnt hear it' etc excuses many times, in the end I had to face up to the fact that he just wasn't that interested in making it work.

Charlottesweb · 05/08/2007 21:48

Was his cousin waiting when you wanted the 2minute cuddle? Perhaps if he was then your DH was embarrassed?

When dh goes away (he goes away every year for 4 days to the TT races in Isle Of Man) I never really expect to hear from him a lot.

He texts to say good morning & hope all is well etc... & then he calls about 6.30 before he heads to the pub/dinner & before the kids go to bed to tell them good night.

If his phone was in the car then he wasn't ignoring it. Do you call/text him often when you aren't together?

I don't think I am needy, though I do like to maintain contact with dh on a daily basis, but once a day is enough, especially if he is otherwise occupied ie: watching the races, or in your case, the air show

hunkermunker · 06/08/2007 17:27

If DH asked me for a two minute cuddle just before I left the house, then a minute, then 30 seconds, I don't think I'd come back!

I find clingy and needy very off-putting though. It sounds like your DH might be similar? How was he when he got in?

GreatGooglyMoogly · 06/08/2007 17:30

NIOAN are you QP?

bookwormtailmum · 06/08/2007 17:34

I think you need to talk to him about how and when you show affection for each other - it sounds calculating but if you need a goodbye cuddle and don't get one, then it's going to be a bone of contention after a while.
Just be cool but not huffy when he gets in as someone's already said, take a step back and see what happens. Maybe he was being cool to you as he was embarrassed to be 'slushy' in front of his cousin and he'll make it up to you tonight? He may just have wanted a break from you - no offence intended - and now he'll be all lovey dovey again.

GreatGooglyMoogly · 06/08/2007 17:34

Sorry, don't answer that, I'm sure you're namechanging for a reason!

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