Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal?

16 replies

Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 18:23

Seriously wondering if I'm just being sensitive or if my husband is BU.......

My Dh is a wonderful man and husband. He is silly, playful, loving and caring but then he can wake up one day and it's like living with a housemate. Minimal communication, minimal information and I feel like a spare part in the house. It drives me to tears after about three days.
I can't describe it as him 'being in a mood' because there is literally nothing wrong with him and nothing has happened.

I know that everyone has their off days, nobody can be happy 24/7, but it's like he's had a personality transplant Confused it's literally like he has two completely separate personalities and I'm not sure who I'm going to get.
For example, I booked a surprise weekend away a few months ago, all was well and we were excited, however on the day I got the second personality. I actually wanted to cancel! The whole weekend I begged for him to come out to the pool with me, I ended up there alone everyday, with him staying inside watching TV.

Today is day three of the second personality and I have asked him if anything is wrong? He is looking at me like I'm mad. He says that there is nothing wrong and to stop trying to start an argument (definitely don't want to argue!) he looked really annoyed when I started to cry.

We have been together 5years and have 2 dc's, so I can be coming from a place of inexperience, but all I know is that when he acts like this I feel like walking out for a few days.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 19/08/2019 19:06

Sounds like depression to me?

Original poster
Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 19:09

Mammyloveswine oh gosh, I never considered depression.

OP posts:
Countrylifeornot · 19/08/2019 19:12

Sounds like gaslighting to me. Going from Mr Cheerful to barely communicating, and denying there is a problem. That would seriously fuck me off.

Lovemenorca · 19/08/2019 19:20

Sounds bloody awful

I suspect though that many men out there deal with similar once a month

Original poster
Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 19:24

Countrylifeornot I would be inclined to agree with you, if it wasn't for the fact that he seems to get no pleasure from me getting upset and questioning him, in fact he wants to be left alone. I just can't stand the lack of communication and lack of normality.

OP posts:
WhoAmIToTellYou · 19/08/2019 19:26

Doesn’t sound normal. So he has no awareness of his mood changes? I find it hard to believe. He also accuses you straight away of trying to start an argument instead of asking ‘what do you mean?’. This tells me he is aware, he knows whats going on and gaslights you so that you leave him alone.
Wtf is his problem?...

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 19:26

Can you be more specific? Asking if there is something the matter and saying he feels like a different person, is quite vague and a lot easier for him to deny. Something like 'I've asked you to do 10 activities, ones that you claim to enjoy, and you've said no to every single one of them - why the change of heart'. If he refuses to discuss it and continues to sulk I would just pretend it wasnt happening and have a great time without him as sulkers normally give up when they're not getting a reaction. Does he fully participate with the kids when he withdraws?

Gatehouse77 · 19/08/2019 19:32

Sounds like biological depression to me - it comes out of nowhere, no triggers and is like living on a roller coaster at times.
When he's on an 'up' will he talk about it?

Original poster
Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 19:37

AmIRightOrAMeringue he participates with the kids but not as enthusiastically as he normally would. If I confront him then all of a sudden they need his full attention and he would avoid eye contact with me and do something with them while I'm sitting there crying my eyes out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 19:39

Gatehouse77 I have never tried talking to him when all is well. I'm usually relieved to have him back again that I don't want to bring it up.... That's me Bury my head in the sand I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 19:40

It feels like he has emotionally 'checked out' and I'm waiting for him to return.

OP posts:
Daffodilsdaisy · 19/08/2019 19:52

depression? Although he is upsetting you enough to make you cry which means he must be very nasty indeed or you are exhausted and over wrought? How long has it been going on for and is there a pattern -why suddenly round going away? could you pin point when it started?

Is his job very stressful?

Purplerain16 · 19/08/2019 19:55

Definitely sounds like something to do with his mental health. Please talk to him while he's 'normal' and try get a response x

RedSheep73 · 19/08/2019 20:01

Maybe he just needs time out and needs to disconnect? I know I get like that if I haven't had enough alone time, I have to make sure I get a bit each day to avoid a meltdown. The other thing that occurs to me is that although you said you asked what's wrong, you don't say whether you've spelt out to him how different his behaviour is on different days. Asking if anything is wrong is too vague, try asking 'you are being really distant today, why is that?'

Jasonh · 19/08/2019 20:10

Tbh I get like this with my wife sometimes, only for an hour or so, and I know when my mood has changed. I have depression and an anxiety disorder so I often feel “spaced out” and detached. I didn’t realise it was obvious to her until my wife brought it up. We discussed it when I was lucid and I got treatment.
Not saying that this is what he has but we can find it tough to admit “weakness” so when he comes back ask him how he has been feeling- give him examples and say you are worries about him.
Deffo sounds like something involuntary if he is normally a good guy (normal mood shifts aside)

Original poster
Teaandbi5cuit5 · 19/08/2019 20:13

Jasonh thank you. I will be speaking to him when he's 'better'.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page