Aibu - access for STBXH

[clpsmum]

Advice wanted please.

Stbxh generally has our three DC overnight on a Saturday. This has been the case for 16 months. After an argument yesterday he decided this wasn't happening anymore as his flat "isn't suitable". What he wants is to have two of our DC in a Saturday and not DC2 who has disabilities.

Aibu to say no. He has three children he either takes them all or takes bone of them?

I might add, it is to spite me so that I can't go out or do anything not because his home is not suitable.

YANBU

If the dc with disabilities is well cared for with ur ex I would absolutely say all 3 or don’t bother, it’s so hurtful to exclude a child like that

Compromise that he has DC 2 on a Friday and the other two on Saturday?

YANBU

He sounds like a total arsehol

He’s a dick. This is actually hideous behaviour.

All or none in my book.

YANBU

Let him take you to court and explain to a judge why he all of a sudden cannot meet the needs of all 3 children

Arsehole.

What was the argument about? If it was totally unrelated and this is just a punishment for the children and you, he’s a right arsehole. If, on the other hand, the argument involved his ability to take care of your DC with disabilities and this is his “solution,” I can understand what happened, but of course it is still not acceptable of him to choose favorites like this.

You could deny his contact with the other DC. And he could take you to court over it. But the real question, OP, before you consider mediation or court or anything, is whether his flat is suitable for DC with disabilities. He may be doing this to be an arse, and he somehow was able to magically make the flat work until now (making this more of a dick move), but the flat may still be unsuitable in the eyes of a mediator or the court, which is a rotten and unfair situation for you, I know.

@RightYesButNo the argument was because I went for a coffee with a male friend.

The flat is fine for one night a week and has worked u til now.

The reason he doesn't want to take him is so that he stays with me and I can't go anywhere.

He thinks I'm unreasonable expecting him to have them one night a week when he works mom-fri

He’s a dick head. YANBU

@HeckyPeck I wholeheartedly agree!!

All or none, YANBU.

This whole "only taking one, not the other" business 🤨 is common with abusive exs. They do it because they feel so much entitlement that they don't believe the ex should be able to date, soccialise or move on the way they have and believe that she should do nothing but raise their children forever after. It's interesting that it came about following your date.

@PicsInRed exactly and it wasn't even a date tbh. It was coffee with a friend that was it. He doesn't think I should be allowed friends of the opposite sex though.

He hasn't moved on and refuses to move on and this is his way of ensuring I'm never child free and not able to have a life away from the children

Right, if the argument didn’t involve the DC at all, then this is just a punishment for you (and your children by extension), especially your DC with disabilities, and it’s absolute bollocks, OP. I’m so sorry.

Do make notes just in case you ever do end up having to go the official route, so when you’re sitting in front of a mediator, you can say, “STBXH argued on DATE over whether he felt I should be allowed to have coffee with a male friend. The next day, DATE, STBXH announced that his flat was no longer suitable for visits from DC with disabilities. DC had been having overnight visits without a problem and with STBXH’s full approval for X months, from DATE to DATE.”

If you want to really force his hand, email him very formally now, state roughly the above, and then ask him to provide a list of what had made his flat unsuitable between the last visit and now.

If he tries to claim the flat was always unsuitable, you have the choice of informing him that you’ll be reporting him, so he should think really hard about whether he wants to play this game.

@RightYesButNo thank you so much for your advice. The email I am keeping up my sleeve! I have sat down and written down everything that happened over the last couple of days. Regretting not starting a diary of it sooner but hey ho nothing I can do about that now just have to start from now.

It's punishment for me without a doubt. He actually spat in my face and hit me yesterday and still blamed it all on me. This is all because I have a friend of the opposite sex. We've been separated for almost two years!

Spitting and hitting is going way, way beyond. That is abuse, and I’m so sorry that you sound a bit like you’ve had to normalize it while being with him (if you didn’t call the police when he hit you yesterday, then you’ve had to normalize it on some level - this is NOT a judgment on you; it could have been for your survival or because you can’t afford for him to lose a job that would be affected by reporting him or many other reasons). If you’re able, please think about reporting him. That’s completely unacceptable and no one should ever be able to treat you that way. You deserve so much more.

If you don’t feel that you can report him now for whatever reason, try to write down (as you’ve done above), what he did to you, what preceded it (if children were there), etc. for your own records. Someone who loses their temper and resorts to violence is often not safe for the DC at all. I hope he didn’t hurt you in front of the DC, but it sounds like whether they saw or not wouldn't make any difference to him - what an abusive arse.

But yes, him hitting and spitting on you is bigger than him refusing to see DC with disabilities, as hurtful as that is, and if exchanging the kids with him means putting yourself in danger, then you have every right to stop them going on those grounds alone, in my opinion. I don’t usually think cutting contact is usually a good idea, but this case definitely sounds justified.

Omg report that bastard to the police

If he assaulted you then are the dc safe with him?

You are completely in the right re taking all the dc, but I wonder whether he is looking to stop contact.

He sounds like a total arsehole.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I didn't report him to the police but I will if he ever tries something like that again. Dc weren't there thankfully. He would never hurt them thankfully.

He's been on the phone sobbing today telling me how he can't live without me

@RightYesButNo yes you're right I think I have normalised it. He's never hit me before but he has been aggressive and thrown his weight around. He once ripped up my clothes in front of his friend when he was drunk because I came home too early

@RightYesButNo although I wasn't totally innocent yesterday I didn't lose my temper and scream and shout at him

Let me tell you a short story. When I was 8, there were ants in my bed and I didn’t notice until they crawled on me. I totally panicked and ran downstairs where I found my father (I couldn’t find my mom). I was crying and shouting about the ants and he told me to calm down but I was scared and kept shouting. So he hauled off and slapped me.

Every time I tell a woman who has been hit this story she always agrees that he shouldn’t have hit me and it was wrong. But somehow when we grow up, we sometimes think that if we shout, it can give our husbands or partners license to hit us, or at least that we’re somewhat at fault. It never does give them the right. No matter what you SAY, it doesn’t give him the right to DO that. if you chose to report him, no police officer is ever going to tell you that you deserved abuse because you screamed or shouted, so please don’t think that way.

While it sounds like you feel he would never harm your DC, and I can understand the compartments in your mind between how he treats you and how he treats them, please consider that he hit you because you yelled at him and he lost his temper. Kids are designed to push our buttons and test our limits, as much as we love them. They may yell at him some day, and he CANNOT respond like he did with you. Just stay alert if you continue to allow him contact.