To not let my two high school age children come everywhere with me?!

[spey2]

Ok so bear with me on this one!

My children are 13,11, 7 and 2

At weekends when I go shopping or to a retail park, garden centre, IKEA, soft play etc obviously I'm taking my 7 and 2 year old with me - the older two complain if I say they can't come.

Basically if I take them all they complain about how boring it is and annoy their siblings and cause it to be stressful.

I'm of the view that they are old enough to stay at home and watch tv, social media, Xbox etc and also to make plans with their friends if they want to.

I feel guilty saying they can't come and need to make a social life of their own so I'm asking AIBU to say they can't come along?!

Bear in mind we do have days as a family we're we go to the cinema, swimming, bowling etc regularly and obviously that's for them too so we all go together.

What do other mums think?

(Both mature enough to be at home alone and visit friends without parental supervision)

Why do they complain?

(I'd do what you do)

Have you explained that it's because they moan and make it stressful that you'd prefer not to take them?

Do you ever do stuff with just the older two? In my experience they value one-on-one time with their parents so maybe they feel the younger children are getting something they are missing out on.

They complain because they say it's boring once we're actually out and about.

I have told them the reason.

It's difficult with 4 of them to do stuff alone with them but I did recently spend a day shopping for clothes at their favourite shopping centre with the 13 and 7 year old which they enjoyed. And I have spent time with the 11 year old at the cinema alone.

It's difficult to get the younger two looked after to spend time with the older two.

I'd just tell them they can come if they help with the little ones and don't moan, otherwise stay home- their choice.

Also they could go off for a bit and meet you later at that age, mine are 10 and 14 and we do that

I would give them to choice to come or not. But remind them that any moaning will be ifnored.

I don’t think saying they aren’t allowed to come, or as PP said they can come but have to help look after younger siblings, is fair and will only lead to resentment if your not careful.

Tell them they can't have it both ways.

I can understand it’s annoying if they moan. But I still think at 13 and 11 they’re still young enough to want time with you doing things that they are interested in.
With the age gaps you’ve got there’s a risk the two eldest could feel a bit sidelined... after all, from the age they started school, you’ve been doing the baby and toddler phase again twice. If you look at it that way (rather than as the snapshot of where they are now) then they probably do feel that your focus has been on the younger kids.

It’s fine to leave them to their own devices sometimes but I do think when families have big age gaps like this it’s essential to sometimes organise childcare and do something just with the older ones, that’s suitable for their age. Nothing worse for older kids than being dragged around activities for younger children.

And while it would be convenient for them to play on x box games at home, it’s very easy to slip into too much screen time so it’s important to make the effort to do stuff with them

Fair enough if they want to come, but if they want to come and then complain about being bored that’s just silly. I would want to leave them at home then too. YANBU.

Why do they want to come? I've only set foot into Ikea with my secondary school aged kids if I'm buying something for them and need a second pair of hands to load it in the car.

Have you told them straight that they are not invited because of their behaviour?

In the last 2 years my 13 year old has only been to the shops with me when he'd needed to try on shoes. He's been with friends around the shops but wouldn't go with me unless there was a purpose.