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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my nearly 9 year old to entertain himself

28 replies

barney11 · 19/08/2019 10:03

My almost 9yr old DS has always been very reliant on company and having entertainment provided for him. He's quite high maintenance and gets bored easily. When he gets bored he'll moan constantly and pick fights with his sibling. As such, weekends and school holidays can be hard work! We do lots of things outside of the home, play dates, Cubs, day trips, sports clubs etc and I have a mountain of books, games, toys, crafts etc in the home but he ALWAYS relies on me to do things with him. AIBU to expect a nearly 9 year old to entertain themselves for an hour here and there throughout the day? He refuses to read and has grown out of toys (other than a bit of Lego play) so the only time I get to do jobs around the house or help younger siblings is if I put him in front of a screen, which I don't want to do all the time! He also struggles to sleep at night so i don't even get evenings to myself to achieve anything in peace. I've tried just leaving him to get bored to see if he'll magically discover something he wants to do, but no luck. How do your children keep themselves occupied?

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:09

My dd was like this. It’s hard work. People always told me to start her off on something and then leave her to play alone. But she would either follow me, or stop playing.

She’s 13 now, and much better. But she still needs lots of interaction.

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 10:22

It's not unreasonable to expect him to entertain himself but only if you leave him to it. If a bit of winging guarantees good quality entertainment, wouldn't we all just winge?

Make sure they are isolated from each other then let him get on with it. Very little creative endeavour would ever come about without boredom....

Massive praise for whatever he does, once he has been doing it for an age appropriate length of time. 😀

WallyWallyWally · 19/08/2019 10:24

My ds 11 is like this. I’ve given in on the screens. As long as he:

Eats and socialises with us at mealtimes (we sit down to eat together 2/3 times a day)
Meets up with friends / has them over
Reads a bit each day (during the holidays we are enforcing an hours reading after lunch - or no devices)
Gets outside / in the pool / moves around a bit
Takes part when we go out as a family
Does all his homework / revision properly after school without moaning

.... then I leave him to choose what he does with his free time. He’s getting older, i think as long as he’s not doing anything illegal he should get to choose his own hobbies, and if gaming is one of them so be it.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 19/08/2019 10:27

Screen time very limited in my house, videos games completely banned.

There's a very long list of chores that need to be done, anyone who is bored is welcome to pick one and get on with it, or just stop moaning.
It usually does the trick.

If you have always held your children's hands and they dont' know how to entertain themselves, it will take a little time. Just ignore or offer chores, he will soon find more interesting alternatives.

WallyWallyWally · 19/08/2019 10:28

Oh and in the evenings if he doesn’t want to go to bed, he’s only allowed to sit quietly in the couch reading. No tv, not much chat. He soon gets bored and heads off. I’ve had to get over wanting “adult only” time in the evening and putting stuff off till then. Now I just do it, and tell him he doesn’t have to go to bed but he has to amuse himself quietly - books / conversation, no screens or telly. DH and I rarely watch any tv these days which helps, we usually read before bed.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:29

Your house sounds fun Serious😏

Embracethechaos · 19/08/2019 10:30

I think it was at about that age, if I said I'm bored my mum would suggest some housework.

Haworthia · 19/08/2019 10:32

Same problem here. DD is nearly 8 and cannot entertain herself. Refuses to, in fact. Cupboard full of toys that never get played with... ever. Don’t actually know what to get her for her birthday because I know she won’t use it, whatever it is.

Over the weekend she was clearly bored, because she channels boredom by annoying the crap out of everyone. I dream of the day she might just entertain herself in her room for an hour.

NovemberWitch · 19/08/2019 10:34

Be fair though, he’s missing the all-singing, all-dancing adrenaline hit that is primary education now. With added friends and adults who are supposed to entertain, listen and nurture his self-esteem every 8 minutes.
He’s bored, step up and do your duty. Break out the mindfulness and the fire juggling.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 19/08/2019 10:36

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

why? because I banned video games and limit screen times? They are a complete waste of time, and my kids have better things to do. Only boring people get bored.

My kids have access to pretty much anything they want to do, no need to waste their life in front of a screen. That's to kill time when you are in hospital or other, not to kill time waiting to go back to school, what a waste that would be.

BeBesideTheSea · 19/08/2019 10:46

Oh god, I have one of these, except he is an only so isn’t even entertained by squabbling with siblings. He just wants to play board games. Over and over again ...

He adores school - I think pp is right, they are used to being fully occupied for every moment.

WhyBirdStop · 19/08/2019 10:47

Only boring people get bored.
This is nonsense. I get incredibly bored in the company of tedious, inflexible people who trot out trite platitudes. That doesn't make me a boring person.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 19/08/2019 11:12

WhyBirdStop
you do sound boring though.

I don't get bored, neither do my kids - not enough time in the day for that.
I would find chores like cleaning and gardening boring, but bored because you don't know what to do with yourself? Sounds rather sad.

WallyWallyWally · 19/08/2019 11:25

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

Yeah, it’s the bore-him-to-bed tactic. Sometimes I even do needlepoint. ;-)

Skittlesandbeer · 19/08/2019 11:28

So he’s a poster child extrovert?

They aren’t being annoying on purpose, that’s just how they’re built. External stimuli, lots of variation.

Doesn’t mean that the world has to pander to them 24/7, but they just aren’t going to develop a ‘rich inner world’ just cos we’d like them to.

My nearly 9 dd is similar. We manage her expectations a lot. Like the day before, reinforced every morning. We let her know which bits of the day (or week) she can look forward to having life ‘at her pace’. We do offer play dates, outings, exercise & activities that let her ‘be herself’. But we’re also clear that these are earned in the quieter periods. And that jobs/chores are necessary activities too. And that ‘rest time’ without chatter (or moaning or interaction) is going to happen.

Once she sees the day ahead is broken up into sections, she’s much better with it. She also likes to perform things (songs, plays, show off art, magic tricks, sports moves, etc). We promise her an audience ‘at 3pm’ if she practices alone for xx minutes beforehand. This has been very useful too. She’s (hopefully) learning that interactions are more satisfying when she’s put in some effort beforehand or ‘delayed gratification’. I’ve been known to put timers on and refuse to interact until it goes off. Start small, and build up the time.

In the end they want quality attention, not just weary parents pretending to care or watch or listen. They get the drift.

Extroversion isn’t disobedience. It’s a seperate and valid thing to be. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve had a kid who tells you quite seriously they’re talking to a tree, cos there’s no one else. Grin

Queenioqueenio · 19/08/2019 11:31

My DS was the same, I refuse to be winged at so he had the choice of stopping wingeing, going to his room to think of something or doing a job ( washing up, hoovering etc). My boy found he quite liked hoovering due to this, so it was a win win situation.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 19/08/2019 11:38

Yep - schooling is now expected to nothing less than a three ring circus - no wonder some kids are so whiny and needy.

slap a few chores on him when he moans - that'll learn him.

he's old enough to be doing his share around the house anyway.

barney11 · 19/08/2019 12:07

Thanks, good to know I'm not alone and that other people have experienced this!

I'm not at all against screen time, just want him to enjoy other things too. In fact he's not interested enough to play games (at the moment) for too long and is unwilling to sit down and watch a film.

Maybe I'll come up with a poster to list some household chores he should do before we do something more entertaining with him.

Skittlesandbeer has sparked an interesting debate between DH and myself. DS is definitely not a typical extrovert. He's very shy and lacks confidence. His idea of a nightmare would be to perform or sing in front of anyone. So very introverted in this way. However he does draw his energy and sense of enjoyment from doing things and being with people, so I guess that's a form of extroversion. It's a frustrating contradiction because he'd love the entertainment of a holiday club but would be terrified of going!

OP posts:
AudacityOfHope · 19/08/2019 12:12

@barney11 that is the actual definition of an extrovert, someone who gets their energy from being around others. There are plenty of shy extroverts, they're not the same thing.

CassianAndor · 19/08/2019 12:12

I threaten to sweep around the house dumping all the toys into a bin bag if this gets trotted out. And given that I have actually done this in the past (I didn't actually throw the toys out but DD well remembers her upset at me doing it) it's a threat that gets taken seriously.

CreatedBySombra · 19/08/2019 12:23

This is where being the boring mundane parent helps.

My children know I'm not fun, I've tried being lighthearted and doing imaginative play but it just doesn't work so I play to my strengths. I nurture, organise and discipline. My husband plays to his strengths of fun & games and solution building (he's an engineer...if there's a problem there must be a solution).

On the whole it means we balance and care for all aspects of our children.

From a selfish perspective my children do not rely on me to entertain them which is great. They entertain themselves, each other or if lacking in inspiration they'll annoy my husband.

With the greatest kindness barney11 you've created this situation by becoming his entertainment provider through many forms. My girls have learnt now that if they tell me "I'm bored" then I'll give them a chore to do...they can't be bored if they're busy.

Maybe something like this will work for you. Offer your son the choice of finding something to do or you'll find him a chore to do. Anything banal will do...one of my favourites is making them try to match socks from the clean miscellaneous sock basket. They can't cause any harm and if they actually match socks I'm onto a winner!

WallyWallyWally · 19/08/2019 13:36

What @AudacityOfHope says.

DS (and me too tbh) are total extroverts, in that we seek the company of others when we need to recharge our batteries. I don’t actually have any hobbies that involve being alone and absorbed in something for ages. I am fine in my own company, and always find something (usually emptying cupboards, planning activities, doing budgets, cooking or sorting stuff out) to do - but, in all honesty, I’m just passing the time in a pleasant / useful way until I can be with my people again. Nothing to do with being a shy wall flower or a party animal.

@CassianAndor
I actually have done this several times with DS and followed through. We sold his mountain of Lego a few years ago as it never got played with. He is just not interested in hobbies / pastimes that involve working alone for hours, and he wasn’t at all bothered to see it - or many other toys - go. But set up a play date, or get him signed up for a Parkour class with his mates, or suggest battling it out in fortnite together / online with friends, and he’s there!

transformandriseup · 19/08/2019 13:53

If I got bored at that age I was made to do housework Grin

transformandriseup · 19/08/2019 13:55

@CreatedBySombra

I had to do sock matching too. That and wiping the skirting boards.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 19/08/2019 14:12

I never bother playing with my kids, so they don't have unrealistic expectations Grin

It sounds harsher than it is in real life, but in fact, when we are home I get on with what needs to be done, first thing in the morning, then we are out for the day or have people coming round.

I'd rather the kids have my full attention when we are out and about, instead of spending too much time at home, with one eye on a game and one eye on my phone or the tv.