In laws popping over unannounced

[Katefuller241082]

I have a four month old baby who my in-laws love to pop over and visit (without calling or checking beforehand). I think it’s important that they visit and see their grandson, but am I being unreasonable to think a message or phone call first would be the right thing to do? They come over during the day when my husband is at work.
We’ve had some breastfeeding issues and feeding time isn’t necessarily easy. I am also expressing throughout the day. My mother in law chose to bottle fed her 2 sons and doesn’t seem to have an understanding of how difficult our feeding journey has been. It always seems that they arrive at the door when I’m feeding or about to feed or express. I’ve tried breastfeeding with them in the room but when my son becomes unsettled on the breast (maybe my feeling of uneasiness doesn’t help him!) it becomes very awkward for everyone. The last few times I’ve gone into the bedroom. I was feeling very stressed the last time they came as there were a number of things I wanted to do that afternoon and then felt I had to play ‘host’ and not get those jobs done. The most recent time they popped in unannounced i actually said to my mother in law it’d be good if she let me know they were on their way over next time (I said my son wants cuddles with his grandparents and it would help me to work my feeds around them coming). So it will be interesting to see if they take this on board.
Am I being unreasonable to expect a ‘heads up’ before they visit?

Definitely not unreasonable, it is stressful when anyone turns up unannounced, particularly when you have a young baby!

My ILs turned up the other day unannounced & I was most put out, DH can't (or won't ) understand why! They turned up at 9am & stayed until 9pm I wasn't even dressed & the house was a tip, I'd been planning to tidy that morning but couldn't do any with them there. What makes it worse is that they were in the car 2.5 hours so could have mentioned it then at any time!

Absolutely YANBU.

Can you not lock your front door and not answer if you're feeding or pumping? If they phone to ask where you are just say you are upstairs pumping and unable to answer the door.

I absolutely hate it when people pop round unannounced. It takes two seconds to make a call and check it’s convenient. It’s really rude just to turn up on the doorstep and expect someone to fit their day around you - in any circumstances really but even more so for someone at home with a small baby.

Leaving having a small baby you're feeding aside, I hate anyone 'popping round' without letting me know with sufficient notice.

I even tell my Dad (and always told my parents when Mum was still alive) when I plan to visit - including the phrase "Is that all right?" Not once - and I'm 61 - have either of my parents said "No", yet I still ask.

YANBU. In the days before everyone had phones - 'popping round' was the thing. Now - it is not the thing.

It’s fine to want the heads up that people are coming round, especially with a young baby where you might be having a nap or feeding etc. Hopefully they’ll take notice of your request. If not spell it out again.

In one way it’s nice that they feel comfortable with you for them to just pop in, only those closest to me do this and I see it as a sign of a close relationship. But I also understand where you’re coming from too.

I would never open the door to anyone when I was feeding DD, if DH was out. Our families would always call in advance, so anyone unexpected was ignored.

Agree. Just don't answer the door.

I would stop answering the door. Or tell them when they arrive it's lovely they want to see you both but they need to check in advance as you're just off out to x.
Or get DH to arrange times with them. Can't he text them something like 'we'd love to see you this weekend as Kate is busy most of the week. Does 11am on Saturday work? We have plans that afternoon but would love to see you for a couple of hours'. Then expectations are set in advance.

Just stop letting them in.

If you keep letting them in then they are getting what they want.

If they have some wasted journeys then they will learn.

Lock your door and put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on it.
They need to call/text and ask first.
The breastfeeding might have gone very smoothly if they had been more respectful of you & your baby.

YANBU x100
In your own home, other people should expect to work around you and your baby, not the other way around.
If you can’t bear to leave them waiting on the doorstep, I’d be tempted to carry on with your day exactly as you would Have if they hadn’t rudely interrupted. Boobs out, do housework around them, baby down for a nap as per whatever routine you have in place.
Uncomfortable for them but if they can’t or won’t take a telling... 🤷‍♀️

I guess the OP has a good relationship with her PILs and wants that to continue. So I don’t think it’s as simple as just “not letting them in” and putting do not disturb signs up. All of that is pretty hostile.

The OP has asked for some warning beforehand which is completely understandable, hopefully they will adhere to it.

Absolutely, just don't answer the door.

It will take a few goes but they will soon eventually work out that they need to call in advance to be sure you are in. Simples.

(I’m in a really bad mood today, in reality I’d probably let them in but silently seethe and bitch about them once they’d gone)

@WhyTho I heart you
(& may pop round on the offchance ...)

I put a sign up at the front door when my dd was born. Bought it on Etsy. Says something like ‘Shhhhh mum and baby busy, text don’t ring the bell.’

I breastfed (and boy, it was hard going) for over 9 months. Felt like I was naked to the waist most of that first year.

The sign is still up 8 years later. Works a treat.

The regular delivery guys & gals know it’s not my reality, and merrily ring. Mostly other people don’t. It allows me to work from home without interruption. I recommend you get one.

And even when they text, either don’t respond (‘oh, I must have been napping’) or respond that it isn’t convenient but xx would be.

Sounds like they’re going to have to feel the pain of a wasted trip (at least once) in order to change their modus operandi. But they will.

Of course you are not.

You are entitled to be in your own home without being imposed upon.

I heartily recommend not answering the door.

Worked a treat for a couple of friends I had that would turn up to hang out when it suited them when we had our first baby.

I asked them not to do it as it didn't suit me, but they liked to be "spontaneous".

I just didn't answer the door a couple of times and they got the message.

The disrespect pissed me off and we grew apart.

My home is my private place and I will not be imposed upon in it, by anyone.

DH would be the same. Our reaction to the door ringing unexpectedly at an unusual time is always 🤪.
That's the way we are. I always would text anyone before calling, no matter how close.

It's called being respectful of their lives.

YANBU

However, why are you answering to door to them?

I cannot abide any kind of popping in. When mine were babies I just took the battery out of the doorbell.

If they come around and you don't answer, they will soon stop doing it. And don't be afraid to tell them if it isn't convenient.

I would just tell them straight, but no one on mumsnet acrually speaks to their PIL about anything so do the mumsnet thing and lock the door, leave the key in so they can't unlock it and then just don't answer the door.

OP says she has spoken to PILS and asked them not to pop in unannounced.

bluebeck, no. She said it would be good of they could let her know first, which they can ignore and then say they didn't realise it was that big a deal because it's very wishy washy. Its not the same as saying "do not come around without asking because I might be sitting topless whilst expressing".

Tell dh to text them to keep popping in visits until he gives them the all clear - allocate them an afternoon if you feel you need to!! My ils never visited and I lived 3 streets away!!
Kept to my arranged visits to them. Much easier.

How did your MIL react to being asked to let you know before turning up?

Lulualla To be honest I think if they are going to ignore the statement you consider to be wishy washy then they will ignore the second style of telling them

Some people have no boundaries.