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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for ideas to help DS

24 replies

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 18:56

Who has explained how much he will miss me whilst away with his dad. We’re separated and co parent well, mostly and have roughly 50/50 care.

Recently DC has expressed that bedtime is hard without me. Def anxious re holiday which is 5 nights without me.

Has anyone any short term fixes that will help DC who is 7 - feel better?

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 18/08/2019 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe · 18/08/2019 19:00

Could you give him a t shirt which you've worn and not washed so it smells of you, for him to wear at night?

CaptainCarp · 18/08/2019 19:01

Has he got a specific "Teddy" that he sleeps with at yours? Can he take it to his dads & maybe you can spray it with your perfume if you have one you always wear.

Other than that just reiterate that daddy loves him as much as you & wants to spend time with him as well / sure hell be doing lots of fun things & you will look forward to hearing about them when he gets back.

Original poster

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 19:03

I would discuss it with your ex, so he is prepared. He might even have some good suggestionS
We’ve discussed it to an extent. I’ve relayed what DS has said to me about what would help.

Clothing is a bad idea. Or maybe something of mine he could look after?

OP posts:

Original poster

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 19:03

*isn’t

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 18/08/2019 19:06

Could you write him a letter, just saying something simple like hope he has had a nice day, and that you love him, and do one for every night he is away for him to open just before going to bed? I know some parents do this when their children go on school trips. Obviously not if it would upset him though.

Original poster

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 19:06

Teddy is going with.

I’ve bigged up the holiday massively and told him it’ll be BIG FUN.

But he just feels sad - naturally I feel hugely guilty because the separation was down to me - and I want him to be ok.

OP posts:

cakeandchampagne · 18/08/2019 19:09

Maybe 5 envelopes with little notes/cards/pictures to open at bedtime each night? Not so much [cue crying] “I miss you!”, more like “Sweet dreams!” “See you soon!” etc.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 18/08/2019 19:11

I had an old hoodie that I sprayed with some of my perfume so my daughter could cuddle up to if she was missing me

Original poster

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 19:21

I like the idea of notes/cards.

Don’t really wear perfume.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 18/08/2019 19:23

Record yourself reading stories so he can listen to one a night?

CaptainCarp · 18/08/2019 19:26

@SmileEachDay it sounds like you have done everything you can & it's great that you are able to communicate with your ex.

I think it's natural for your ds to feel a bit sad at being away from you. Try not to feel guilty about it, he's probably just learning to adjust to the new set up but I'm sure once he's on holiday he'll enjoy it & feel much better. :)

stucknoue · 18/08/2019 19:28

My friends dd takes an old phone (not smart) so she can send texts or call. About the same age but the parents are at war so it's a practical solution too

Original poster

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 19:33

adjust to the new set up

That’s the weird thing - it’s not new. We’ve lived separately since he was 18 months old. We have recently been working on him being more independent at bedtime - falling asleep on his own - so I wonder if that has maybe caused some issues?

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 18/08/2019 19:42

If your x isn't a bastard you could do that one each thing. You know like the lockets but something else or similar? I give mine kisses to put in their pocket.

bionicnemonic · 18/08/2019 19:56

For anxious times we used 'love cream' I would put some aqueous cream into a little tiny jar ( I actually used to mix some rescue remedy in with it if you have some) and I would sleep with it for several nights ( I told him I was doing this) so that had a chance to fill up with lots of love. Then I would rub a little on the back of his hand to calm him down when he got upset. Perhaps you could try that? Then he on his own could use or or dad could do it for him

kitk · 18/08/2019 20:00

DD really benefits from a comfort toy that travels with her, until bastard ex has left it at yet another holiday destination (third time in 6 years!)

Poppi89 · 18/08/2019 20:13

I know he's quite young but I think the idea of him having a cheap phone to contact you if he needs to is good. I think the feeling of not being able to contact someone is worse but if you know you can then he can worry less.

He could also use it when he's at yours if he ever wants to ring his dad or send a little text message.

Poppi89 · 18/08/2019 20:20

You can also get these teddy bears where you hold the button down and say a message and then it sends to the other bear and vice versa. I don't know what they're called though. Or will being in contact with you make it even worse.

CaptainCarp · 18/08/2019 20:47

@SmileEachDay sorry made a big assumption that it was a fairly new separation.

Is this longest amount of nights in a row he's spent with dad or is it because he's going on holiday & it's going to be a different place do you think?

Sounds like its a bit of anxiety relating to the new bedtime routine as well as going away.

Maybe your ex will could be a bit more lenient with going to sleep alone just whilst they are away especially if it's abroad?

Original poster

SmileEachDay · 18/08/2019 21:26

I’ve suggested we pull back on the recent bedtime changes - was only ever v gentle anyway.

I hope that he’ll be ok - I’m trying to keep discussions about how he feels about bedtime/missing me away from actual bedtime - do today we had a big talk on the way back from the park, then when he started trying to talk about it at bedtime, I just moved focus to reading then sleeping. He then actually fell asleep v quickly.

I think it’s harder for them to handle emotions when they’re tired, so no point in discussing too much then? But I do t know if that’s right??

OP posts:

Onwardsagain · 18/08/2019 22:27

When I was about from my Dad for quite long periods (years) of time we'd look forward to seeing each other instead of missing each other. The change in mindset really helped me.

Treesinaforest · 18/08/2019 22:35

My 7 year old asked me for a photo of me to take on sleepovers in his Granny's. He said he loves the sleepovers but misses me so that was his solution.

I took a photo of us together, him sitting on my lap, both of us doing big happy smiles, and he takes it with him.

Elieza · 18/08/2019 22:45

Could you phone his mobile or you exes mobile at bedtime and read him a short story? You could start practicing now by reading the story from the living room while he is in his bedroom so the change in country won’t be so bad as he’ll be used to you being on a phone by then and it will seem normal?
Or am I barking...!

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