To end the friendship

[Jenjimyaha]

I've moved back to my hometown and got back in contact with a school friend. Weve been good friends for best part of a year I would say, going out for meals and play dates with our children etc. I consider her a good friend as I did at school

We both attend the gym where one of her friends go. I dont know this friend but say hello if I see her out and about.

My friend said to me the other day that the friend she has at the gym was slagging me off to her, going into depth about some nasty comments that she had made about me. I was surprised by this as I dont know the girl and have always been friendly.

Friday, my friend and I were in the gym and as we were leaving the friend who has been slagging me off was getting out of her car and walking towards us to go through the door. She said hello and was all smiley, talking to my friend and was trying to include me in the conversation. A rage came over me and I basically said that if she was going to be rude about me then I dont care to speak to her. At this point the girl looked confused and said she had never been rude about me. I looked to my friend and made reference to the conversation we had and my friend just looked me blank on the eye and said "I didnt say that, you must have misunderstood" This then led to a very awkward moment where I looked like an utter twat as my friend claimed she didnt say anything to me. So I just walked off and drove home leaving them talking.

When we got home I text her to say what was that about and she is point blank denying she said anything and that I got the wrong end of the stick. It is so stupid and pointless as a) I dont really know the girl, b) it was her that brought it up as the conversation came out of nowhere and c) why an earth would I lie about it?

I dont see how I can trust her after this and I'm just so baffled as to why shes denying to me she said it when she knows full well she did? AIBU to end this friendship?

*you should always have a think about what their motive might be in relaying this to you.

If someone tells you that a third party was slagging you off, gossiping about you, etc, you should always have a think about what their motive might be in relaying this to you.

Absolutely this.

Your friend was clearly making shit up for whatever reason, but even if this other woman had been slagging you off, there would be absolutely zero benefit to you in knowing this. It's just hurtful stirring.

This whole thing reminds me of that awful phase teenage girls go through where it's non-stop drama and fallings out and bitchiness. Your friend is a complete child.

Wow! Your friend invented that? That’s about the lowest blow anyone could inflict!

I absolutely say that you tell this woman what happened and what your ex friend said - then at least there’s another who knows what a 24 carat gold bitch she really is.

End it.

If those comments were actually made, why didn’t your friend defend you in your absence? She should have corrected the nasty comments at the time surely? Rather than just tell you after the fact to gossip/shit stir.

The fact that she’s denying it now shows you that she doesn’t care for you/your friendship.

Your ‘friend’ sounds like an insecure twat who was afraid she’d be ‘Wendied’.

I would apologise to the girl next you see her and invite her for a coffee and ditch your ‘friend’.

lf someone tells you that a third party was slagging you off, gossiping about you, etc, you should always have a think about what their motive might be

This ^^
Normal people don't deliberately cause upset for no reason. There will have been an ulterior motive.

YANBU, she’s a bonkers shit stirring liar.

A really good (ex) friend of mine had no issues about telling me unpleasant stuff others had said about me. It’s good, old-fashioned shit stirring and she is really immature.

Took her saying something really nasty to my face about my relationship with my husband for me to see her for what she really is. I told her I was hurt by her comment and she refused to apologise (did the fake “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology).

I binned her off and have never regretted it. Just can’t be doing with that level of drama in my life.

This woman isn't your friend.

Dump her.

Ugh. Run away...either it was a bizarre lie, it was a mutual slagging off session (do you think your friend would have leapt to your defence?) or your friend was just saying how she sees you. None of those options are in anyway ok for a friendship. That was a horrible situation, but I think you were amazing for directly asking her what was going on. You completely called her on the bullshit. Wow. That is brilliant!

And I wouldn't advise trying to befriend the other lady. Make friends with someone completely different.

I’d always tell a friend if something unpleasant was said about them otherwise I’d feel complicit in it.

But if your friend was making it up, there’s no future for the friendship

100% agree that your friend made up the heresay, to try and dissuade you from creating other friendships and to put herself in a good light.

Unusual to see it done so blatantly over the age of 16, but not impossible.

Also agree that you should take gym girl aside ASAP and apologise, be succinct and use exact quotes about the words mutual ‘friend’ put in her mouth. If, on the off chance gym girl had bitched about you (even a tiny bit) it will a) show on her face and b) warn her off doing these things cos it can come back to bite her. Either way, you look sane and mature. Which right now you don’t.

You’ve just moved back, don’t let your ex-pal land you with a bad reputation right off the bat. You may need a good rep down the track. You know how ‘hometowns’ operate. Sort it out, firmly but with a smile.

Two possibilities.

1. Gym woman never said those things, your friend made them up. And lied about it, both in public and private. You can't trust her - dump her.

2. Gym woman did say those things, your friend relayed them (suggesting she is closer to you than to gym woman). But when called out on it, lied to protect gym woman (suggesting she is closer to gym woman than to you). So she cosies up to whoever suits her most at any given moment, then throws them under the bus. You can't trust her - dump her.

If it were me, next time I saw gym woman I would attempt to have a conversation with her and say you are really confused because friend did say those things to you so you know she is lying. That gives her the possibility of repeating "I never said those things" and then you can take it from there (if you want to). You never know - she might become your new friend.

Absolutely think or even ask “Why are you telling me this?” When someone passes on nasty remarks.

It could be they are a gossip and have no social skills. It could be that they thought you would like to know.

But chances are they have an agenda or are just causing trouble for fun. Nasty.

Wow. Your original friend wanted to have 2 friends, but separately. Perhaps she feared that you and the other would really hit it off given opportunity and she would feel left out. She sounds threatened and anxious. Do you and the other have lots in common/more opportunities to socialise than her? Does she have self confidence or anxiety issues?
I'd have a proper chat to her about it before you bin her. I'd certainly be reluctant to trust her fully in future.

notupsettingpeople

Divide and conquer.

Any update OP?