Alcoholic husband?

[Orangelocket]

My H has been drinking progressively more. He does it to cope when life gets stressful which for him right now it is (work/finacially). He will drink 8 to 10 cans of beer a night so gets totally drunk. He becomes sarcastic and just not very nice to be around. Just recently he said he feels out of control and that he thinks he'll either end up dead (has seriously injured himself falling over a wall in the past while drunk) or sleeping with someone behind my back (said while drunk!) So now I'm a 'nagging' and paranood mess. In the last 23 days he has been drunk for 19. I've asked him to reduce the alcohol as is affecting out relationship and family (we have kids and have been together 16 years). He has said point blank no. He likes to drink and if I dont like it then I should leave. I am at a loss. What do I do? It's like I am married to a stranger as he is so cold towards me. I dont think I am being unreasonable in asking him to stop drinking so much am I?

He seems to have chosen alcohol over his family. It does seem as if he is deliberately pushing you away. How far are you prepared to take this? It does look pretty serious.

YANBU and if he won't deal with it or get help you need to seriously reconsider the relationship.

Leave, my love. If you stay, you will suffer whilst trying to force him almost certainly unsuccessfully into recovery. It has to be his choice and it sounds as if he's not prepared to make it. Leaving him might save his life as he will be forced to face up to his condition. It will certainly save you some pain and distress. Good luck. I've been in a similar boat. I wish I'd taken action sooner.

Well I am 1000% not prepared to live a life like I have right now. I feel totally alone every evening as he comes home from work and immediately starts the drinking. I think I'm in denial at the moment as I cant understand why he wouldn't listen to me and sort him self out for the sake of our marriage and family. We never get the opportunity to have a chat while he is sober which means we then just argue when I attempt to raise it with him. I'm going to try again today as he has the day off.

Leave him.
If you don’t then this will be your life, he is unlikely to change as he has no reason to if his family stick around.
There is obviously a risk that if you leave then things will get worse for him but at the moment he is dragging you all down and only going in 1 direction

As someone else has said, he's made his choice and it won't get any better. They'll be times when he stops the drink and it'll lull you into a false security that he's changed but ultimately the drink will win.

I was the child at the end of this saga and it was horrendous. I don't know whether he thought I couldn't see or understand what was going on or just didn't care but it made for a shitty childhood. My mum didn't leave as she didn't think she could cope on her own. In the end he died (drink related) and mum is having a fantastic time now. She's no longer controlled by his emotions and worrying about his mood when she comes home. The house is always lovely and welcoming, she treats herself to nice things. Honestly, as heartless as it might seem, him dying was the best thing for all of us. A huge weight was lifted and it was like we could relax.

I appreciate leaving might not be easy but I'd spend some time playing out in your head how your life could be. I expect you'll come to realise you would be much better off without him. Oh and let the guilt go about how he'll react if you do leave and whether he'll drink himself into oblivion. He doesn't care enough about you to show you the same respect so go look after yourself!

I know I'll be ok if we separate. I have a good job and my children are fantastic and I'm very independent and always have been. I think the hardest part is letting go when you are madly in love and still attracted to someone. My heart and head are at war basically. I'm so scared that he will go off and continue to drink and meet other women which I know will destroy me. I'm so glad I posted this on here, your advice has helped me hugely. I dont speak to anyone I know about our problems as I am so embarrassed about it! (Although H family know about his drinking but his mums exactly the same as him!)

You have my sympathy as I've been there. The only answer is to leave him. You're worth more than that. It was the best decision I ever made. Stay strong & good luck!

My ex was like this. He used the beers to relax and he too drank 8-10 cans per night. He would often knock his glass over and the carpet would stink.
His addiction got so bad that he would buy beers even when we didn’t have much money left. He once raided the copper jar because he was that desperate to have them. He actually went to the shop and bought 3 cans all with coppers even though he had a fridge full of them. In his words, “I like to have them in”.

Eventually I said enough is enough and I got rid. He made promise after promise to change and he never did. The kids suffered and I suffered enormously because of him. He didn’t see the big deal though. People like him and your husband never do.

Try going to Al anon for support with others in the same situation. They can’t tell you what to do but they can support you and give you somewhere to vent if need be. Only you can decide what to do but it doesn’t sound like it is going to get better anytime soon. Xxx

That is a good idea. I hadn't thought of contacting them. Thank you x

Speaking from experience having an alcoholic parent is enormously damaging. Have a read of what life is like for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs). The effects of this could stay with your kids for the rest of their lives.

He won’t change unless he wants to. Nothing you say or do will help. You could talk to him until he’s blue in the face and it will do no good. Only he can take steps and only if he wants to. My advice is get as far away from him as possible.

Alcohol killed my mum in the end but not before she’d destroyed each of our lives in turn. Im in my 30s now and I’m still dealing with the consequences of her actions.

Go to Al-Anon. Prioritise your DC.

I second the Al Anon suggestion.