To be pissed off with dp over our holiday?

[CoCoStop]

Have name changed for this! We are both late 40s.

We have 2 weeks holiday coming up - one week a light activity based holiday and 2nd week a lie by the beach type holiday. First time ever I've had 2 weeks holiday abroad and the first time in years I've managed 2 consecutive weeks off from work so I've really been looking forward to it.

Dp has been ill so has been off work for a month - 1 week in hospital and 3 weeks at home. He's due to go back to work after our holiday. He has a condition (only just diagnosed after the hospital stay) that requires him to eat and drink sensibly or it flares up again.

He has been making noises about the activity based holiday being a bit hard for him but we called where we were going and it was possible for dp to skip a lot of the stuff and do other less strenuous things. We couldn't cancel the holiday as our travel insurance wouldn't cover it.

Last week dp had a friend round and he ended up drinking too much with him. This triggered his condition in the next few days and we were unable to take our first flight. Because he was actually properly ill, we were then able to cancel the flights and the holiday - the airline let us keep a credit for the flights to rebook and the holiday place let us cancel with a medical certificate. With sensible behaviour, dp should be fine for next week and we had separate flights for this.

I am trying to be positive as there is genuinely a lot I can do at home this week but obviously I'm a bit disappointed. Dp has not apologised once. In fact, he thinks it's a right result because we now have a credit to use on more flights and he didn't particularly want to do the first week anyway.

Aibu in thinking he could be a little bit sorry especially as he caused this by being a bit of a dick with his mate? On the one hand, I do feel sorry for him as no one actively wants to be ill and he has been trying but on the other hand he is 48 not bloody 17 so it's not like this wasn't predictable.

In your shoes, I think I'd have gone on the first week's holiday by myself and left him at home to claim on the travel insurance for his cancelled trip.
Was this an option for you?

No it's not terminal cancer and yes, you are right, all of our friends have something at this age!

Not any of the things I was thinking of then (no, I wasn't including cancer).

No idea what it could be, but if not life changing/threatening, the cinema outing sounds a great plan.

Enjoy and let us know what you see

I’ve very little sympathy for him and this is why - how does this reverse read to you?

“ My husband and I are off on an activity holiday next week. He’s dreamed of this for years, he’s never been able to get the time off work before and we’ve never even been abroad for two weeks.”

“Unfortunately I’ve been off work unwell and I’m not sure if I can do all the activities. But my husband has been really understanding - he’s contacted the holiday company who say I can change out some things for less strenuous ones and relax around the pool the rest of the time have a spa treatment etc “

“ However I’ve decided this will be no fun so I’ve decided to sabotage the whole holiday for the two of us instead . This works out better for me because although I was happy when we booked it, I’ve changed my mind and now I’m not so keen.”

“We will be able to claim fraudulently on our insurance and of course will will be out of pocket for the excess. But at least I’ll get to do everything I want instead.”

AIBU?

At 48, he really should know better not to drink if his consultant has told him this. This is nothing like occasionally getting a bit pissed with a mate when you have a serious illness. I’d be very angry with him, in your shoes.

As he’s effectively ruined your planned holiday, I’d go out for a couple of nice trips, leaving him at home to fend for himself. Don’t look after him and just leave him to fend for himself. Otherwise, he’ll do more stupid things in the future if you lat him get away with it this time.

Hope you enjoy your beach holiday.

I wouldn’t be with someone like that! He sounds like a selfish asshole. You should have gone without him and taken someone else. Perhaps do that for the second part of the holiday!

It sounds to me like he did it on purpose and that would annoy me a great deal as its very selfish. I would have gone without him, to be honest as it was self-inflicted.

M0RVEN
As someone with a very debilitating health condition, I doubt if he thought about the situation with such clarity.

I know it is very annoying. I’d cut him some slack, he needs to make life changes and it sounds as if he’s in denial right now.

People, who say he should have followed doctors advice are usually those, who have no idea what it’s like to be in that situation.

He has been selfish.

Surprised insurance covered known condition. Why not go somewhere less strenuous for couple of days, or add on to make next week into ten days?

Couldn’t you go on your own or with a friend especially considering he couldn’t partake in all the planned activities anyway.

Missing
Op says the condition was diagnosed after the insurance was taken. Even if it has been declared, he hasn’t yet been back to work by the sound of it therefore the incident is insurable.

Although I understand the train of thought that dealing with a new diagnosis and consequent lifestyle changes is hard, part of that will be dealing with the wider impact of your choices on people around you. In this case a holiday that is a rare treat from the sounds of it.

You can be sympathetic and supportive in general without ignoring specific instances that have impacted you needlessly. If he’d chose to overindulge on a normal night that’s one thing and he’s only self sabotaging. Choosing to do it knowing that it has the potential to completely ruin an event for other people is a shitty thing to do. I don’t think OP should bury her feelings in this case at all. Being ill doesn’t justify spoiling other people’s happiness.

Does he have gout? I only ask because my partner does. We spent a week in a (shit) hotel room in Tunisia once while he had a gout attack. It wasn't pleasant for either of us. Admittedly he was in more pain than me. But I had a tummy bug on top. We laugh now about the holiday from hell. Gout does take time to learn how to manage. He will learn the pain from drinking is not worth it. But it can be managed....DP hasn't had a bad attack in years. I hope things improve for your husband.

Quite frankly he needs to get a grip. Yes he has a medical condition lots of people age 50+ have a long term condition by then and still manage to lead full lives just by being responsible. He knew drinking was a no no but still chose to and drank to excess. I would have been livid. Yes you can do stuff around the house so you are busy but holidays from work are meant to be a break and restful does that describe your week at home? Also will you still be doing the beach part of the holiday or did you cancel the full two weeks? Not sure from your post if they are two separate holidays?

I think I would have asked if I could have come back to work and used my holiday allowance for another time. Maybe taking care of himself would have given him a bit of a reality check. The lack of his consideration for you stands out in your post and is a bit sad really especially as you come across quite understanding of his condition. I would speak to him though as burying your feelings will only cause resentment. He must realise that as a partnership both your actions impact each other!

I'd be fuming. He has been selfish, but was it not also a little selfish of you to book a holiday that didn't appeal to your DP?

I personally wouldn't want to book a holiday that didn't appeal to both of us.

I think I would have asked if I could have come back to work and used my holiday allowance for another time

Actually that’s not a bad shout. I think I’d be tempted to do this and book another week off when I’d had chance to organise a week for myself doing whatever I wanted rather than losing a week of annual leave to inevitable chores that crop up when you’re hanging about.

My guess is he didn’t want to go on the activity holiday but didn’t feel like he could talk you about it because you either wouldn’t listen to him or you wouldn’t understand or take his concerns seriously.

I have a chronic condition and when I was first diagnosed it really took me aback and it took me a very long time to come to terms with it.

My guess is that he did it on purpose.

Rather than be angry with him think how desperate he must have been to if he was prepared to put his own health at risk. And ask yourself why he felt that risk was a necessary one and why he though it was the only option he had to get out of the holiday.

I can see why you’re pissed off but behaviour isn’t black and white and my guess is there’s a deeper reason behind why he got drunk with his mate as opposed to him just wanting to go on a bender.

I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition that has awful debilitating flare ups, in bed or laying on sofa for days. DS was only 11 and then our lovely DD died to say life was shit was an understatement. DH loves holidays abroad I mean adores them but I was too ill to even manage a weekend away in a B&B down the road for quite a while. We eventually dipped our holiday toes by compromising by going on a couple of cruises, which we surprisingly really enjoyed. When very tired I could sit on our balcony and enjoy the sea. We are away this week I am doing everything in my power to be as well as possible. Resting a lot, started packing a week ago, DH has arranged everything including phoning both hotels in America. I have cancelled seeing friends and been to see my Doctor.

The mental strain on getting a diagnosis is terrible but total denial is really stupid and not getting in touch with the consultant could be dangerous to his health.

I am very aware my health affects my family, to show I love them I do everything to be as well as possible. It doesn’t always work but you get what I mean . I think he has been incredibly selfish.

Insurance cost a ruddy fortune.

@Mummyoflittledragon
People, who say he should have followed doctors advice are usually those, who have no idea what it’s like to be in that situation

Well I say that and I know exactly what it’s like to be in that situation.

For example, I have to take a lot of meds that have side effects. I can only eat a very limited diet every single day for the rest of my life. It’s not fun. But I choose it to it because I have a job and husband and kids to care for and I’m not selfish enough to make myself ill so I can’t take care of my responsibilities.

My DD has bi polar and has to manage her meds and her lifestyle very carefully to reduce the chances of getting ill. She can’t do all the things that lost of young women of her age do, link going out and getting smashed every night or taking drugs. But if she can accept that in her 20s, the Ops H can at 48.

My H has heart disease, diabetes and hyper tension. He takes piles of meds and adjusts his diet and lifestyle to suit. There’s lots of things he can’t do but he will goes to work every day.

I have a friend who does in fact have terminal cancer and she’s fighting hard to look after herself and listen to the doctors to make the best of the time she has left with her children and grandchildren. She should have been dead this time last year but she still here. Yes she’s been lucky but also she’s been smart.

So please don’t bother rather arrogantly suggesting that I don’t know what it’s like.

Sorry if that doesn’t suit your argument of “ anyone who disagrees with me doesn’t know what they are talking about “. I do and I have a different view - deal with it.

I’m sorry but I have very little sympathy for your dh op.
He is 48, not 4.
It’s not hard not to drink alcohol.
Ffs it is self inflicted.
Do not stay in mollycodlying him.
Let him deal with it, once again he chose to get pissed up.
He has ruined your holiday and I’d be furious.

M0RVEN
The difference is you have come to terms with your condition. Ops dp seemingly hasn’t. I wasn’t being arrogant. I actually meant to add something along with those, who have come to terms with their diagnosis. But was interrupted by my dd asking for breakfast who has friend around so I just posted. Maybe you don’t have brain fog like me. Anyway no offence meant.

Thing is he very well may have had his reasons for behaving the way he has, some not obvious to him. Nevertheless as a couple they have to find a new way to live with his diagnosis which includes establishing new boundaries.

Yes, he may have subconsciously wanted to cancel the trip so essentially self-harmed or he may have been craving a night of normality with a mate not accepting that he has to find a new normal.

Either way it’s too much of an imbalance for OP to brush it off in this instance and focus solely on his feelings. That’s not fair and it’s not right that her DH doesn’t bear any responsibility for that, ill or not.

It’s a mistake to encourage someone to bury their own needs, wants and feelings. All that does is set an expectation that what he did was absolutely fine and he is untouchable if anything relates at all to his illness. Imho that way leads to growing resentment on both sides and an unhappy relationship tends not to survive.

It’s all done now, but he should be sincerely apologising and contacting his consultant if he needs to. If it takes OP communicating clearly her taken on it and hurting his feelings then that’s what it takes because it’s not acceptable.

I'm also well acquainted with the difficulties of adjusting to serious illness and chronic conditions, and my sympathy is limited as he did exactly what the doctor told him not to. Plus he's been selfish by not apologising. He needs to take responsibility for his own condition, not expect you to fix everything, put up with anything, and manage it all for him.

@CoCoStop, your DH is pathetic. I’m sorry he’s been ill but he was really stupid to drink when he’d been told not to. I don’t agree with pp who say he needed time to adjust to his diagnosis. He must have been relieved to be feeling better and not drinking is such tiny price to pay for being well (unless he has alcohol issues?). Part of me hopes he had the hangover from hell!

I don't think he did it on purpose to get out of the holiday. I think he was feeling better and decided to disregard the Doctor's advice as he knew best. Now he knows differently and he should feel embarrassed, he should also apologise to you for spoiling your week. As pp have said, if you can't rearrange your leave this week, make sure you do nice things for yourself.