Sex life. A long story.

[Alpacamabags]

18 met husband. Both insatiable sex drive.
19-23 ongoing horrendous symptoms post sex. Misdiagnosed as thrush, allergy etc for years. So painful I presented at A&E twice (turned away both times!), symptoms every fortnight minimum
23 - finally diagnosed with a severe bladder condition
23-25 intensive treatment including twice weekly catheter and 3 operations
23-31 ongoing psychological avoidance of sex. Have managed to conceive x 2 and average once every 4 weeks.
Things improving. Takes less time to "warm up" and less assistance from lube etc.
However I never, ever feel I "want" it. In my head it's something to be avoided.
If I start then after 15 mins or so it can be enjoyable but getting there is though.
The reason I write this is we last had sex (very unusually) initiated by me on friday last week. Tonight he initiated and I said no and I've just heard from him how he hates it, feels turned down and rejected. I've tried to put my side across that it's much eeasoer/more enjoyable if I want to as well but he's really cross.
I don't know what to do. In every other way we are the perfect partnership. I seriouslg think this might kill our marriage.
Any advice. Any one!?

Have you had any counselling? On your own I mean. You obviously have a negative association with sex because of the previous health issues. It's not ok for your husband to be cross with you for saying no, but his feelings of rejection shouldn't be dismissed either. Perhaps it would help to have a conversation about intimacy and see if there are ways you could get that - kissing and cuddling - without the expectation that it has to lead anywhere. That might help him to feel wanted and it might help you to feel more interested in sex and less pressured.

Thanks so much for replying. I haven't no. I've had quite significant counselling for depression/anxiety which has made a massive difference but never specifically this. In every other way he is amazing! Genuinely I read posts on here and can't believe that I got him.
However it's a massive issue. I think I don't like to do "other stuff" because I know it's likely to lead to sex (which I know is enjoyable but my head doesn't remember!)
I genuinely just want to go to sleep. Think if I never had sex again I'd be okay. I know that's not okay so I try. I really do and when we do I enjoy it. I just feel like I can't say no without an argument or excuse and that's causing all of the problems

I think that's why you need to have a conversation. It's not nice to be having sex purely because the other person wants to. But it does sound as though you want to want to, it's just not that simple because you have these negative associations. Potentially, the health issues are what it began with and, more recently, you feel a certain pressure from your husband to have sex and that in itself isn't going to make you want to.

Do you think you can have a conversation with him about doing "other stuff" without expectation? If you explain that you do want to be close to him but you don't want the pressure of it having to lead anywhere. Sometimes kissing on its own can be really nice.

Yes and I absolutely take accountability for the fact that left to me I would avoid it all, but I'm trying so hard not to be like that.
I do understand his frustration but at the same time feel I'm entitiled to say "not tonight". Its so bloody hard. I can see both sides but doesn't help that I'm one of them!! 😩

You absolutely can say "not tonight". And he shouldn't get sulky about it, but I equally know that when I've been turned down I can feel a bit insecure. As your husband has been with you throughout all of the health issues he should be more understanding but, if you've not spoken about how you feel about sex very frankly (I'm not sure if you have) he may think it was all so long ago that it's not an issue now.

He absolutely knows. We're very open about it and on the surface day to day he's hugely understanding. It's just when it comes down to sex he has a massive sex drive and I've zero. I just felt like I was trying so hard and getting better but now feel like I'm not allowed to say no.

Hmmm. In that case his reaction is definitely not ok. Don't get me wrong, he's entitled to his own feelings, but if he knows and understands the background he should know that it's not a rejection of him. I hope he apologises tomorrow when he's had a bit of time to reflect on his reaction.

I do think counselling for you would be beneficial. And, assuming your husband can be more reasonable about it, it would help him to see that you are trying.