to think that this isn't a given?

[OoohMasala]

I've just been having a conversation with an old friend. I've recently left an abusive relationship and my ex no longer has contract with out baby son. It's not safe and it's going through court. My friend just told me that I need to be prepared, as it's going to be tough, that my son will idolise his dad, and there will be times where nasty things will be said and he will appear to hate or resent me. Is this really likely to happen? I'm no expert and now extremely anxious and upset about it.

That seems an odd thing to say about an infant who doesn't know his father. It's highly unlikely someone would idolise an absent parent. Your old friend is no longer your friend if they say that shite.

Has your friend had a similar experience? I disagree as well, an absent parent is just that - absent. There’s nothing to idolise. Your DC may have questions when they’re older which may be tricky for you to answer, but I don’t understand hate or resentment thing. It’s an odd thing for your friend to say and not particularly supportive really.

It could be as she says. If your child knows nothing then they can invent a fairytale life in their head.

It's human nature, not a reflection on you and your parenting

I think it was more regarding the fact that he could end up being back in his life one day. She's planted a seed in my head and now I'm worried about it

Yep sadly this happened to my sister, absent dad, brought son up on her own, brilliant mother. Father appeared back in sons life and now he lives with him and hates my sister! It does happen I’m afraid. Maybe she’s just speaking for experience.

Yes, massively common. DS may idolise his Dad, be angry at you and blame you for everything including why his Dad left! Then he’ll grow up and understand!

It's absolutely not a given op. My sperm donor battered my (late) mother, then my siblings and I. Eventually she left him and he wanted nothing to do with us. My mother didn't slate him to us but as I got older and had questions she answered them truthfully and didn't allow her feelings to cloud her responses which was incredibly decent considering what a low life he is.
He came sniveling back when I was in my late teens but his arrogance shone through and I was not blinded by his smarm. It may have helped that I had a fully established relationship with my mother's new husband by then and I idolized him. Don't allow your 'friend' to convince you that her opinion is inevitable until you know more about the future for yourself.

No, it’s certainly not a given. I’ve been separated from my child’s father for 8 years. He’s been useless at best in those years. Last saw her over 2 years ago, no Christmas or birthday present and doesn’t pay towards her. However, I’m aware that when her hormones are raging and she’s a stroppy teen and she’s rebelling against my boundaries, that she may lash out at me and tell me she wants to live with her dad/I kept her from him/she would have been better off with him, etc etc. All nonsense, but pretty much a right of passage to lash out as a teenager at your mum.

And, if she does do this - fine.
I know that this will pass and she will know who was always there for her and who raised her and loved the bones of her. Just as your son will know too. Kids aren’t stupid. Even at 8 years old my child knows what her father is all about, even though I never am negative about him.