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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to forget the teens and do things for ME

20 replies

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 20:08

Wow teens. My daughters are 12 and 14. My eldest is often busy but we sometimes do things together and have close moments. My youngest just changed overnight from wanting to do everything with me, always onto the next thing, to not being able to stand almost everything about me. I don't exaggerate, today for example we had "it's better if you don't talk, your voice is creepy and disgusting". Lol. I was talking about something nice we were doing together, there was no discipline involved. She can be massively rude suddenly and makes very personal comments, calling me horrid names. She suddenly doesn't like me eating near her, cooking with her, being near her, LOOKING at her, doing anything with her, and hates any physical contact. She slams her door and wants to spend every minute in there alone, the classic.

So I am feeling empty nestish already and wondering if instead of thinking of nice things to do with her to bring her back for brief moments, should I just get on with doing some other things for me. AIBU? I have been a Mum who is around for them a LOT. Does she need me around as much or would a bit of absence at least help her to stand me more? And if I am not being unreasonable, then what are your best tips for things to get involved with as a pre empty nester? Tips for activities and holidays too please where you get your own time to enjoy the break.

OP posts:

BillywilliamV · 17/08/2019 20:12

Wouldn't put up with that sort f hurtful lol from a 12yo, I hope you at least turned the bloody Wi-Fi off for a bit?

NavyBlueHue · 17/08/2019 20:16

No way would I tolerate that rude nastiness I’m afraid. Massive consequences would be had. Don’t fall for the stereotype and allow it. Teens aren’t all Kevins.

Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 20:19

Oh yes the WIFI goes off, and screen time is put off. Plus sugar bans and spending money on anything bans. WIFI being off drives them nuts the most.

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Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 20:21

Interested in the massive consequences you use NavyBlueHue.

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Newmumma83 · 17/08/2019 20:26

I think it is absolutely time for you too now.

It’s so easy to take people for granted and what they do so let her be alone and do something for you a bit more.

Why not book to have your nails done? Or go out for a cream tea with a good friend ( or a good book 📚) or go for a swim and coffee after .

Must be heart breaking I remember feeling that way about my parents not quite that bad and certainly never voiced it... but the sudden growing up I don’t need them as much / god they are so embarrassing feelings don’t look forward to the day my son looks at me like that ☹️

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2019 20:38

Your 12 year olds behaviour is shocking and totally unacceptable.

Troels · 17/08/2019 21:01

Wow your 12 year old spoke to you like that?
What is teh punishment, no way you are going to let her walk all over you and think that it's acceptable to talk that way.
I must admit I went apeshit on Dd when she was probably 12 or 13. She was being rude not as bad as your Dd I laid into her about the way she spoke, would she say these things to her teacher? Her Grandmother? A stranger in the shops? The answer was no, so I said thn she better learn fast to treat her parents with as much repect as she'd give a sranger, and I'd expect more respect than that.
She ended up in tears and stomped about a while in her room, but came round.
I'd be removing phones and internet for they way she spoke.

Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 21:06

Thanks Newmumma83. Yes it's a weird change, she has always been such easy and good company. I think the swim is a great idea, I'll set that up with a friend of mine. She is going through a lot with changing schools so I am hoping it's a short phase!

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NavyBlueHue · 17/08/2019 21:12

Massive consequences would be that everything she enjoyed would be removed. Phone, tablet, socialising, hobbies, everything. For as long as the behaviour continued and until she learned to treat people with respect.

Plus I’m no doormat and DD has been raised knowing I simply won’t put up with that shit.

I don’t accept anyone being abusive or nasty towards me. Especially not my DD who I do so much for. I won’t allow her to think it’s ever acceptable to treat people that way and get away with it. She can be mad or pissed off or whatever, her feelings are valid and are all allowed. Sometimes we all get moody or pissed off. But don’t turn mean or nasty when it’s not called for. She knows if she talks to me like shit it’s her who’ll end up with the crap end of the deal.

NavyBlueHue · 17/08/2019 22:07

Also meant to add... if this is a sudden and unusual change in personality, that would be a red flag for me and I’d be trying to find out if something is causing it too. Sudden changes in personality can be a cry for help. Or not but worth considering.

ApplesOrangesPears · 17/08/2019 22:12

I agree with Navy. A very sudden change in behaviour can be a red flag. Is it possible something else is going on? I would explore the possibility that something was wrong before I came down on her like a ton of bricks.

Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 22:34

Yes she is changing schools plus broken friendship with long-standing best friend. It is a huge and sudden change.

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Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 22:35

Huge and sudden change in behaviour. Maybe it’s more than teenage change although I have heard others say the change can be sudden.

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Troels · 17/08/2019 22:35

My Dd's change in attitude was sudden, it was puberty hitting her likr a ton of bricks poor kid.

Thornhill58 · 17/08/2019 22:52

Did anything changed recently? Is there a reason for her to be so angry like a new partner or new house?
I'm so sad to hear she has been so difficult.

Thornhill58 · 17/08/2019 22:54

I hadn't read about the new school. Does she blames you?

Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 23:16

No she doesn’t blame me, she was really keen to change schools. She instigated it.

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Original poster

poppy54321 · 17/08/2019 23:19

No other changes. All the same at home. Troels that’s interesting, it’s hard. I think it’s teenage brain changes, there’s a lot goes on.

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midsummabreak · 17/08/2019 23:22

Its really hard for parents to be on the recieving end when teens's behaviour takes a nose dive. You are right to calmly remove priviledges, expect her to show respect, and look after your own well- being while giving each other time alone.

She will come around, especially if you keep doing things together as a family/ extended family and get her to help out a bit to bring her back to planet earth.

When she is calm and you get a chance, tell her that, if and onlyif, she pulls her snappy head in , and behaves well, you are happy to Invite two of her close friends over for lunch or dinner. Make sure she understands that you do you understand she is going through a lot, however you wont tolerate any snappy remarks or crap in the meantime

Invite your own close friend or family member over on the same day so you can enjoy the day and also leave them to it This could be a good way for her to see that you have moved on and you expect her to move on, with respectful behaviour.
It is important that as well as taking away priviledges, that you she sees you meet her halfway , and help her to move through this stage, without too much stress where possible. She will see that you are not fussed to give her the space alone,and the time with friends that she craves , but that you also have basic needs that she must respect. Also have had this with my 12-13 year old DD , its not easy, do take care of yourself and it will improve. xo xo

Original poster

poppy54321 · 18/08/2019 10:09

Thanks midsummabreak. That’s great advice and gives hope it will improve!

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