To send this to DP

[instantgratification]

We’ve been together 25 years. For twenty of those I put up with his family who are basically thieves and liars. They operate on the edge of the law getting away with what they can. They started on me (stealing from me, trying to con me) when my mother died and left me money in her will. I confronted them and they were abusing and threatening. I cut them off.

DP cut them off too. Not because I asked him and not to protect me. I believe he cut them off because he’s scared of them without me there. When I’m around they were better behaved I think.

Every now and then DP says that he “cut off his family” because of me. It’s not true. He could see them anytime.

I have written him a letter saying that it’s not true and that I do not care whether he sees them at all or not, it is nothing to do with me. However , if he expects our son (preschooler) to see them, I would take legal advice at what to do. (There are separate reasons why she cannot see my child which I would fight in court if it came to that, though really the fact that the family is dysfunctional should be enough.)

I was advised by a solicitor to put this in writing to him even though we live together!

AIBU to resend this letter each year? His parents have a reputation for “forgetting”
boundaries after a while and trying to get away with whatever and then saying that they didn’t think that applied anymore.

I want to make sure DP knows that what I wrote last year still stands. AIBU to send it again? I don’t want to seem to be rubbing it in his face...?

BTW, DP has said a couple of times that DS should see his parents, he said it when angry. But he never makes any more for them to do so, doesn’t even see them himself as mentioned, and I think he knows that they would be bad for his son. His mother split up her daughters family and turned the children against their father and now, years later, the children have little contact with his sister, their mother, and one with their grandmother. DP knows this “parental alienation” would happen again if his mother went hear our child.

To be clear, I sent the letter to DP, not his parents, but if he takes after them in pretending to forget something that happens last year, I need to send him the message again.

And yes I realise that this is an odd relationship but that’s what you get when you live with a man with issues caused by abusive parents. We’ve managed to overcome them for a long time because I turned a blind eye to their nastiness and reported their dishonesty on the sly (DP doesn’t know all of it) when they were really awful.

It’s a different matter now though.

"To be clear, I sent the letter to DP, not his parents, but if he takes after them in pretending to forget something that happens last year, I need to send him the message again."

But has this actually happened though? What makes you think he's forgotten? I'm a bit confused by your post but if he isn't actually making attempts to connect his family with your child, I think re-sending the letter is just goady and infantilising him. I'd be hugely offended if my DP did that to me without cause or conversation (I'd be offended at the original letter too tbh)

Yes I think sending your DP the same quasi-legal letter annually would be an odd and confrontational thing to do.

Why don't you feel able to discuss your concerns with your partner in person?

Honestly if I was you I would just leave the situation entirely that sounds terrible, by that I mean leave your partner.

Maybe secretly your DP admires you for standing up to his family and you have given him the strength to do the same? I wouldnt send the letter again. A bit condescending.

Yes I think he admires me too but won’t admit it because hat would mean admitting stuff about his family (which he rarely does) and admitting he doesn’t want to see them. He would rather blame me.

No he has done it as in said he’s going to, he just brings it up about once a month that it’s my fault he doesn’t.

“Why don't you feel able to discuss your concerns with your partner in person?”

Because he does not want his parents mentioned at all. However, if the subject comes up (they send me nasty messages, send things through the post to my son which I ignore and donate or throw away) it will be mentioned. He gets angry and says it’s my fault. He even said that I caused it by making their bad behaviour into a big thing!

He apologises later. He’s a broken person in some ways due to his parents

I think you’re all right, it would be goady without reason.

DP now has no contact with anyone in his family because his parents have forbidden his sisters and aunt to speak to him. They obey because they are ruled by them. His uncle came out of jail recently and was ridiculing DP on Facebook (no names mentioned but I knew the incident) over something that happened years ago. DP of course denied he meant him🙄. They really are quite awful.

I'm confused what power you think this letter has. A letter, even from a solicitor, means nothing. It's not a contract, just a statement of intent that you will take legal action if he takes dc to see his family. Though how that will work is beyond me! Will you divorce him and deny him access to dc to ensure it doesn't happen? What grounds will you use to stop a child's father choosing who the dc see or do not see? Ypu don't have more rights over the dc than he does. The fact they are dysfunctional is not a good enough legal reason should he wish to let them have contact with dc. And he doesn't seem to want to anyway. So creating a huge drama over a very unlikely future possibility.

I really don't see that issue with his comments other than it's a bit annoying and repetitive. He brings up he cut off his family for you. You say yes dear. Non-issue! Instead it seems to have turned into a strange battle of wills where you want him to admit he did it for himself. And he doesn't want to accept he cut off his own family just for his own good.

Perhaps he feels FOG guilt for cutting them off and putting the 'blame' on you alleviates that. Perhaps he needs confirmation that 'choosing' you and your dc over his other family was the right thing to do.

Rather than getting defensive and sending bizarre letters, perhaps you could just ask him why he feels the need to keep bring it up?

How it would work is that I would take legal action to block access because DP’s father drives drunk with grandchildren in the car, his mother isn’t honest and they steal etc. Thus I would try for supervised visits at the most to protect my son.

Yes, maybe he just wants me that he’s right or good or something. He is definitely in the FOG. It is tiring with his accusations though.

Does he actually want the DC to see his family, or do you think he brings that up every so often to make you feel guilty about it?

Wait.
Did I get it right?
His family is shit. You cut contact off, then he did.
Sometimes he says he did it because (for?) you. You THINK he did it for himself rather than you.
His family keeps "forgetting" boundaries from last year, but I must have missed if he does?
His family is now bullying him essentially and into that you are sending letters threatening legal action?

Does he have anyone to talk about this? If not I really worry about him, because he is under fire from both sides.

Butterymuffin
....do you think he brings that up every so often to make you feel guilty about it?

This I think.

When they send him a message, I get punished for it really.

Household He’s not under fire from both sides. I am. I say nothing until he brings it up. I get abusive messages from his parents and him telling me he might take DS to see them when he’s angry.

DP won’t read the messages they send me and then says I’m making it up. I stayed forwarding them to him or putting them on the coffee table, and then he “can’t remember” he’s seen them.

That’s why I wonder whether he’ll conveniently forget I said I did not want my son around his parents.