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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my feelings unreasonable ?

30 replies

Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 10:14

I got very close to a colleague over a number of years . Lines got blurred and boundaries got crossed . He passed personal comments daily and started to send messages regularly outside of working hours . I ignored some contact, replies to other messages. I thanked him for compliments. Then he ramped things up, comments getting a tad inappropriate and messaging every single evening and weekends .
I spoke to him and told him that I wasn’t comfortable with it all and that we needed to dial it back a little to remain friends . He did for a period of time but he ramped it up again. I spoke to him again , he improved .
He then met his now partner. He spoke disrespectfully of her, tried to seek advice about her/ them etc, did not treat her well etc. He continued to try to cross the line but once I would call him out on it , he was fine.
Fast forward to now where we have had very little contact. This has worked very well
For me.however I recently received a message from him suggesting that we cut back on contact and that he will
Always be grateful for my friendship and helping him out during bad times . Wtf!!!
My initial thoughts were that he was taking the piss !I explained that I agreed completely and had felt that way for a long time . Am I being completely unreasonable to think he’s a cheeky fucker or am I missing something here ?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/08/2019 10:24

So his girlfriend has seen previous messages and bollocked him? It's odd that he's suddenly told you this.

redexpat · 17/08/2019 10:25

What cherry said!

PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 17/08/2019 10:27

So you don't want much contact with him, he has finally got the message, has himself said low contact is best, has thanked you for your friendship and support....

I'm not sure why, in the situation you describe and appear to be highly pissed off about, he's a cheeky fucker?

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 10:30

Yes that is about it. I feel that he is better my cheeky. I have been stalling his inappropriate comments , his over zealous texting and then when thing s reaches a happy easy medium , he messaged to say we need to detach somewhat and he appreciates my friendship and for being a great support etc. Is it me who thinks this is just odd ?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 17/08/2019 10:30

That’s the perfect example of “it wasn’t you that ended it, it was me”. It sounds like for his own ego he wants to feel he was the one to cut back on contact when the reality is that you had said it first and it was happening naturally.
Perhaps breathe a sigh of relief that he’s finally got the message?

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 10:34

I am not pissed off that he wants reduced contact. I think he has been cheeky , when I have been trying to do this for the previous 18 months, to essentially suggest detaching and thanking me for my friendship . I find it bizarre.
You are possibly right about the girlfriend although it is a very casual and from the way he speaks about her, I’m not too sure that he would care too much about her opinions about anything tbh.

OP posts:
ShutTheFridgeUp · 17/08/2019 10:37

Have you posted about this previously? It sounds like a very similar situation to one I've read recently.

I couldn't be arsed with all the drama personally. I'd block and cut my losses. No friendship should be this hard work and cause so many issues.

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 10:38

Thanks @user1493413286. I am breathing a sigh of relief but was somewhat perplexed at the message . It was almost as if he hadn’t heard me or listened to my wishes for the last 18 months but suddenly came up with this great idea .i had lost respect for him over the last 18 months as it was , as he was quite pushy with contact and boundaries especially while in a new relationship. Perhaps his partner picked up on some vibes

OP posts:
Hopefullyendsmeet · 17/08/2019 10:38

I’ve been on your previous threads about this. You need to delete and block for your own sanity. Stop obsessing about this man. He’s with someone else now. Let it go!

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 10:40

Thanks. I posted
Many many months ago about a friend who repeatedly crossed boundaries and passed inappropriate comments while in a relationship and got some great advice and ran with it . This is the culmination of that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 10:43

@Hopefullyendsmeet ... Obsessing? Did you read the thread ? I have tried to off load him . You must have another poster in mind.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 17/08/2019 11:04

So you got what you wanted and now you're obsessing and over analysing about getting what you wanted?

Yes, he was crossing boundaries in the past. But you continued contact knowing that he consistently tried to cross, pulled back at your request, then crossed again. There was a pattern you choose to ignore.

He's a girlfriend now, he doesn't need you as his emotional support and object of attempted flirtation anymore. So he's basically dropped you. That's a bit shite. But it got what you wanted by a different route than you wanted. If that what's pissed you off? You wanted to 'dump' him first? The one to be in control of the dumping?

You feel a bit shit knowing that he was using you for an outlet of his flirting and emotional needs, rather than a true friendship. But I think it was clear to everyone in the universe except you that it wasn't a true friendship.

You need to look at your boundaries. Once a 'friend' crosses the line to flirting there is usually no going back. And seeing as he tried to cross the line several times should have made you aware that he wasn't the friend you thought he was.

You are obsessed, as in you are allowing him so much head space, not that you are obsessed with him per se. You seem to think about this constantly and over analyse the 'friendship' to death. When you should just be going 'what a twat. I can see what he did, but fuck it it's over now' and get on with your life.

TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 11:12

Send him a reply saying "so relieved we are finally on the same page. Take care."

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:17

Yes it shit that he used me for his emotional needs. I get that but my point in posting here was to as if it was unreasonable for me to feel that he is a cheeky fucker. That was it.
I see that I was used. Im not stupid but that says it all about him and not me. I believed that it was a genuine friendship . That’s fine. We’ll move on .
I have no idea why you think that I think about this constantly? I don’t. But his arrogance has pissed me off and I wanted to ask if you thought I was being unreasonable to feel like this .

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 11:20

Send him a reply saying "so relieved we are finally on the same page. Take care."

Sounds good.

Then block.

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:22

@TregunaMekoides . That’s what I did while also adding that I was so glad he’d finally seen the light. I wished him well and asked him to keep things light from now on . That was the end .

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:23

Until He messaged me the next morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:24

Sorry posted too soon previously

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/08/2019 11:25

Basically you got what you wanted, but you wanted to be the one who made the decision. Correct?

Just be glad it’s done with. Now block him (as you could and should have done long ago).

PurpleDaisies · 17/08/2019 11:26

Just block him. What have you got to gain from having him in your life?

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:28

Yes I got what I wanted but regarding making the decision, I made that decision months and months ago but he did not respect that and pushed and pushed . It is only now for whatever his reason is, that the penny has finally dropped

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/08/2019 11:29

And you let him. You could have blocked/ignored him months ago.

Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:29

I work with him when he is in town

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenbrass · 17/08/2019 11:30

Yes I could have blocked or ignored him
But I work with him. It is not that easy as I dont want it to be awkward

OP posts:
dudsville · 17/08/2019 11:31

He's just trying to save face.