I am super super depressed right now

[lkjhvdfrt]

My life is one long shitstorm. I am super depressed right now. I had an abusive upbringing & it's coloured my whole life. I had to lose my entire family to keep myself safe. I'm going to court shortly to face my abuser. The consequences of this have meant in my 50s I find myself with no education, no career (unemployed), only just scraping by day-to-day. No family for support & very few friends because they can't cope with the severity of my situation. I've spent every penny I have on therapy & I'm skint. I still have millions of flashbacks. I feel worthless. I feel I'll never be happy & contented. My life is one long punishment. My life is utter misery. I'm so sick of the pain.

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering, I can’t offer anything other my love and thoughts xxx

I'm so sorry all this shit happened to you. You are not worthless. There is always somebody around on here, keep talking it out here if it helps

I hope that in my next life I have a warm & loving family. I can't fathom how amazing it must be to have a mother & father who care for you. Who can share life's events with you. To have no one is fucking shit. It's not even having no one, it's having family who are downright violently dangerous. I have no self esteem. No one will employ me. I just hover around the sludge of life, knock-back after knock-back feeling worthless.

I can empathise about the flashbacks things that have helped me is one item that’s important that I hold to attempt to ground me. I’m triggered by some random stuff and I don’t catch it in it time the pain is immense sending a hug as it’s truly shit.
But I do believe a visit to the dr wouldn’t go amiss

Have you thought about volunteering? Perhaps working with animals, or something that brings you joy and meaning to you? (could be helping kids with disabilities, volunteering at a women’s shelter, helping at a soup kitchen... whatever strikes you as being important) I only pick animals because people who have had traumatic histories more often find comfort and security in working with animals rather than people.
Humans seek meaning and purpose. Life has been incredibly unfair to you and working for others as a volunteer is not going to be a magic fix, but it might bring some meaning to your experiences and might be a way of channelling your history into a new direction, with the empathy and knowledge that you have gained from surviving abuse and it’s aftermath.
Likewise, doing things for free that help your body and mind could help - walking clubs, following yoga and meditation videos on YouTube.
I think sometimes when something massive and traumatic has shaped our lives (abuse, death of a loved one, etc) it can make the small daily acts of living and self care seem pointless. How is a 10-minute yoga video going to help? How is doing a pencil sketch for 30 mins going to help, especially if I’m crap at art? What’s the point? (Especially if deep down there’s a feeling you’re not really worth looking after like that). Even though sketching is a form of meditation and frees the mind from thinking about other things...

I know I have been struggling with these feelings since I broke my back. I felt a lot of guilt and worthlessness and loss of identity. But it’s amazing how it can also become an upward spiral if you force yourself to do things that seem trivial or worthless - or rather, that you might feel you aren’t worth having those experiences.

Try Making a list of small challenges, or look online for some ideas. It will not cure loneliness and hopelessness, but it will get the ball rolling and help you meet different people, form a local network and you could end up doing or making something that makes you feel proud.
I see you have done therapy, which is really impressive - have you also got medication to help you? It’s really important to kick start your body and Brain - it’s been shown that children brought up in abusive situations often don’t form the usual serotonin and dopamine (the ‘happy’ hormones) production and reception, so having medication to help do both can be vital.

Ps I get it about the flashbacks - I hate them. You can be doing something lovely and your brain suddenly flashes up a traumatising image and you get sucked away from where you are and suddenly you are back where you were and it’s so real in that moment that time may as well have stood still and trapped you in that time and place. And then just as suddenly, you come back to the present, but bringing with you all the emotions triggered by being temporarily transplanted back into your memory (at least that’s how I experience flashbacks - I have no idea how unique or universal flashbacks are). Mine are from my accident. But I genuinely find I get peace from the flashbacks when I do yoga, which as an (Ex)rugby player I used to think was a dumb middle class prancing around in leggings, until I realised how it brought me 30 minutes of freedom from my own memories.

OP I’m sorry you’re suffering. Totally understandable. I think you may be an old friend of mine & I want to reconnect if you feel ok about doing that. Having a tricky time, too, similar reasons. Flashbacks are hell. Email me if you want to vent. I’m here for you. xxxx

I’m so sorry you’re suffering. You’re incredibly brave to face your abuser in court. You are absolutely NOT worthless. It sounds like this could be a period of rebirth for you, as cheesy as that sounds! Even in your 50s it is never too late to completely change your life.

I had a very abusive childhood and my mum died in March (she was awful to me and controlled my whole life). I have no other family now, at times it makes me feel incredibly anxious to think it’s literally just me left from my own family. But my family were utter shits and you know what sometimes if I focus on that it gives me the strength to go forwards.

There is no reason to think you won’t get a job, or that life can’t be better. I know how cliche that sounds but honestly you aren’t your background, you are you.