Am I being precious about DD 6 friend?

[1wokeuplikethis]

My daughter is 6 and has a “BFF” as she says at school, let’s call her Bella. They seemed to be inseparable the past year and they are both sweet, kind, clever little girls. I get on well with Bellas mum and they’ve had a couple of play dates but nothing regular as work/life/clubs etc are enough to contend with.

We are approaching week 6 of the school hols and I have attempted to meet up with Bellas mum a couple of times because the girls are friends and my daughter was missing Bella. Bella went on holiday and my daughter talked about her for the entire week, counting down the days until she would be back, making her pictures, writing her letters etc.

I tried to organise something when they returned but Bellas mum was busy with work and post-holiday decompressing. We did arrange to meet up about two weeks after they got home and Bellas mum pulled out at the last minute. My daughter was really upset when she discovered she wouldn’t see her friend as she had again been counting down the days until she saw her. Bellas mum then mentioned about meeting up a week later and I said great, left it with her; nothing came about.

Since the failed meet up my daughter hasn’t even mentioned bella, which I’m glad about as I prefer that to her asking why Bella doesn’t want to see her, but I’m miffed that her mum didn’t try and organise something after cancelling so last minute (we were already at the place we were meant to meet up when she called off). I know people are busy, and this really is a nothing sort of problem, but I feel sorry for my daughter that she’s not been able to see a friend whom she cares about so much because her mum doesn’t want to/hasn’t thought to/is too busy to arrange something.

My original question was am I being precious but I may amend it now to, do I need to get a life because my daughter hasn’t mentioned anything therefore why should I be arsed about the flakeyness and shouldn’t I be glad about not having to sit through a play date?

Honestly yes I think you are too bothered. It was rude of Bella’s mum to cancel last minute (unless she had a very good reason) but otherwise she hasn’t done anything wrong. Perhaps she’s just a lot busier than you. Perhaps Bella has lots of playdates with non school friends or cousins. Perhaps as the mum works, she’s in holiday clubs a lot. None of this should be taken personally. Encourage your DD to spread her friendship net a bit wider and not invest everything in one friend - organise some playdates with other children and let Bella’s mum get in touch eventually.

They will see eachother soon, yes, be a bit miffed but if she has to cover six weeks with childcare here and there it isn't easy!

I think minipie has it spot on.

It can be difficult when your child is pining for a friend, but often that friend and their family will have a different life outside of school routine etc.

Try if possible to widen her social circle to help take the 'pressure off'.

I think in general it's normal for parent'
s to be very busy and not have much time for this sort of thing. So most of this I wouldn't take personally.

However I think it was extremely rude of her to pull out of a meet up so late that you were already there. I don't agree that it's not a big deal, I'd be really pissed off about that. It would make me not want to arrange anything with her in the future. Being busy is no excuse for such bad manners.

Does it have to be a meet up with the Mum, as well?

Can you not just invite Bella over to your house? I would be less keen to do the whole meet up thing with a Mum I didn't know that well - it's much more of a time commitment, for possibly not great return.

But inviting Bella over to play at your house - making it clear it's a drop-off so Mum doesn't have to commit / hang around - might work better?

The other Mum not only doesn't have to commit to the time herself, but gets some time with one less child to deal with. I would've thought quite an appealing prospect. Unless she's one of those types who won't actually drop their kids off.

'Would you like to drop Bella over to ours on Saturday afternoon so that the girls can get together and play?' would make it clear that there's no expectation on the Mum to be involved in it.

And totally agree with Fizz that cancelling on someone so late in the game that they're already where you'd planned to meet, is beyond rude.

That's part of why I'd only be facilitating a friendship / meet-up with just the girls.

They're busy, you're taking it too personally.

Cancelling at the last minute does sound rude but it depends on the reason. Maybe they have other stuff going on that you don't know about?

I think you probably need to work a little bit more on managing your DD's expectations. When my DC want playdates, I try to arrange them, and sometimes people are too busy and/or our dates don't match up with theirs - I actually find the summer holidays are the worst for this, as everyone is so out of routine and juggling childcare and going away on holiday that it's actually quite challenging to get kids together.

I always tell my DC the truth - that I have asked but it's difficult to find a good time because of the above - and I always make sure I am clear that the play date can happen at ours if I am the one asking for it.

Your DD "counting down the days" etc I would have nipped in the bud earlier, as it's an unhealthy focus.

I'm really sorry that they cancelled last minute but my reaction to that would depend on the nature of the reason why. Sometimes stuff just is unavoidable.

Your dd needs to stop putting all her eggs in one basket, friendship-wise. And you need to help her widen her circle.

My dd was like yours at that age - she had one really close best friend, and not many others. At the end of Year 2 her best friend’s family decided to move to New Zealand, and my dd was left with nobody. It took her a long time to recover socially from that.

People are very busy over the Summer holidays. Also it’s a lovely break from the rounds of activities and play dates.

Inviting just Bella rather than needing her mum to be there might be better, or more likely to be possible?

Your DD may be fixated on "Bella" but Bella may not feel the same.

Perhaps take the other mum's hint for now. Take your daughter out to the park, to the farm and all the activities you can.

Put a message on your class WhatsApp group of you have one opening the invite to all or rather letting them know that X,Y,Z is on. Widen your daughter's circle and don't worry x

Still not understanding why a play date just for the girls, minus Mums, can't be arranged. But it doesn't seem as if the OP is coming back.

I’ve cancelled at the last minute because I didn’t want to meet someone myself. I find saying no quite hard. When asked, I usually make an excuse the first time and say I will be in touch later (I do not specify when and am deliberately vague). When asked again, I say we have another commitment or if I am out on the spot I agree and later back out.

I have never initiated play dates or birthday parties. My kids are invited and often attend. I feel bad about not reciprocating and try awkwardly to make up for it by giving a more expensive gift (£20/25).

I do not have an excuse other than play dates make me anxious and I find them overwhelming. Birthday parties are too expensive u less held at home and my house will not accommodate twenty children and some parents and we don’t have a garden.

I agree that the Mum may simply not want to meet up with you. I didn't once the DC were in school.

I'm busy and quite anti social. I'm always happy to arrange playdates though.

Definitely widen the social circle. Your daughter shouldn't have so much of her happiness invested in one friend. Children are fickle, my primary best friend came back one summer and told me I wasn't her best friend anymore and Julie was instead, it was pretty horrible but that is life.

I'm not anti-social - quite the opposite - very gregarious.

But I still don't want to sit and make small talk for two hours with someone I don't know that well.

I have many a Mum + kids play date these days (and my kids are a bit older) - but it's with Mums I'm actually friends with and it usually involves wine.

Chatting to someone at soft play, or while you walk around a park for two hours is painful, unless you happen to really hit it off and gel, and I think you'd know by now if that were the case.

I work Mon - Fri although it’s several weeks of school holiday it only amounts to around 12 actual days of ‘free’ time and other plans take up some of those days so maybe they are just busy.

Could you offer to have Bella for a day while her mum works? It might be too late now, as she's probably organised all her childcare well in advance, but maybe in the next holidays?

I’ve got no interest in having other people’s kids in my house and cleaning up after them or sitting in a softplay centre over the summer. She probably feels the same! There’s so much of this playdate nonsense going on. We didn’t do any of this in the 70s/80s. It’s like primary school social networking has become a full time occupation for women with nothing better to do! Seriously. The chances of kids who are BFF at 6 being BFF at 26 are incredibly slim. Do your own thing and meet up if it happens but stop obsessing.

Personally 6 year olds shouldn’t be having BBF, they should have a wide group of friends to play with.

Make sure the new term has lots of meet ups with other kids. Don’t limit her circle of friends

There was a thread on here yesterday which could have been the point of vie from “Bella’s” mum.

Thanks everyone, I did feel a bit about feeling bothered by it as I know juggling work and other commitments is tricky.

I’m 100% certain that other thread you’re talking about wasn’t about me, as I am definitely not the badgering sort! But it’s interesting to see it from the other side.

I’m taking heart that my daughter hasn’t mentioned her friend again since the last minute cancellation that upset her so much. School will be back soon and they can pick up from there or she can spread her wings. I do encourage her to play with other kids and she is a sociable girl so I’m just not giving this any more thought!