Drunk husband moved on

[samb80]

AIBU to be upset that my husband has moved on.
We split up 7 months ago after continuous problems with his drinking, I drew the line when it started to effect our children. There were other issues in the marriage as well. We were together for 15 years.
I found out yesterday that he was on tinder, is going on dates and has been flirting possibly seeing his sisters mate.
I've tried to reach out to him but he is completely ignoring me and making me feel crazy.
I keep bursting into tears and feel extremely lonely.

I'm sure it's natural to be upset, but it sounds like you were well rid of him. Assuming you don't want him back, why should you contact him about it? Tell yourself that moving on so quickly just proves he's no good, and not a reflection on you at all, and concentrate on your own happiness.

It’s going to feel horrible for a while, but try to remember that he hasn’t changed. All of this flirting and dating is a massive front, hiding that he has an alcohol problem which is bad enough to affect your children. I doubt he has put that on his Tinder account.

It’s going to be horrible, but remember why you’re not together anymore. At least someone else can deal with his shit and not you. You’ll find someone you’re more suited to I’m sure x

Good riddance to him. Stop trying to talk to him and let him go. You'll be much better off.

You say you drew the line - does that mean you were the one who ended the relationship? I know it's hard, but if you made the decision to leave him, he's entitled to go on dates - you can't have it both ways.

It's not that I don't sympathise, as you were obviously together a long time and of course it's normal that you might still have feelings for him, but ending your relationship with him and then 'reaching out' only when he starts dating other people isn't really fair. You need to let him go.

Honestly, if he has a drink problem you are far, far better off without him. It's hard, but you really are. He had his chance to do the right thing for you and his children, and he didn't take it. He's not worth your tears.

There's another thread on here tonight OP a pregnant woman, whose alcoholic partner has fallen off the wagon and is taunting her and being verbally abusive. She says it's likely he's blown his wages and she spends all of her money on their home. It's awful for her. Have a read of it and just think if you were still with your ex that could be you too.

Totally natural to feel hurt and upset, but remember why you drew that line in the first place. Whoever he is seeing isn't getting a better version of him. She just doesn't know it yet. Try to focus on your own health and happiness. That's the best example to show your kids.

Be strong! Picture your life in 6 months without him. Then picture it in 6 months if you take him back. He won't change but you have moved on and for the better for your kids and you. Pity the next woman, don't be envious of her.

Maybe you are still grieving the relationship but if you got back together then the minute he stepped over the threshold I suspect you'd be regretting it. Think longterm. Feel sorry for the next woman he's with. Be glad you were strong enough to not be with someone self destructive. This too will pass. 💐

Well if you split up you can both go your separate ways. You could be on tinder and flirting like mad.

You really are better off without him and should ignore what he's up to. Dont even enquire, look or let anyone tell you. It doesn't matter anymore. No doubt he will go on to make other women's lives a misery. Leave him to it. Who cares? Start taking the steps to move on and have your own adventures, focus on the future. He's not worth another wasted moment of your precious life.

Take pity on whatever woman he ends up with. You left him for very good reasons.

Why are you reaching out to him? What do you hope to achieve? He has shown you who he is. The only thing you should feel is pity for whoever he moves on to. Concentrate on you and your kids and building your life together

Drinking heavily isn't usually a problem, it's usually a symptom of a problem.
Perhaps his problem is that he is very insecure or hates his own company so is seeking a scratching post/something to help him continue to avoid the problem.
Either way, you are strong and no matter how much it hurts, know that putting your family first will make you happy in the long run.

Thank you all for your support.
That's all I keep reminding myself is why I drew the line and what life would be like if he was here 6 months from now and I know it would be bloody miserable.
I just feel humiliated, I don't think it's necessarily him I'm sad about but more the lost of time and effort.
I feel very lonely as well which makes me sad.
The last couple of days I've got from angry and hatred to what he's done to very tearful.
It just feels like the next hurdle that I've got to get through to move forward - it just doesn't feel very nice.

You will get through it though. And life is so much better on the other side, trust me

It takes a long time to get over a divorce, be kind to yourself and remember - drunks are bad news.

Give it a few months and his new flame will be where you where when you realised his drinking took priority.

I've tried to reach out to him but he is completely ignoring me and making me feel crazy.

Don't do this to yourself. Don't reach out. Don't message him about him being on tinder / dating. You and he have separated (and that sounds like the best thing to have done).
Hold your head up high and look forward to your wonderful future that doesn't include living with his drinking problems. If anything, take it as a cue that you're perfectly free to move on and see others too. If you want to.

I’m surprised it’s taken him so long to move on, men (normally the NRP’s) tend to do this very quickly! Much harder when you have kids to look after and pay for.

Having been through this, you do have to accept that the kids come first for a long time, then as they get older you can start doing things for yourself, find yourself again, then find someone lovely to spend time with.