To want DH to stop being a doormat

[DHDoormatHelp]

Name change for this in case I’m identified, but looking for some advice.

Been married to DH for 10 years. He has a 31 yo DS from a previous marriage - apart from that, neither of us has any kids. We have 2 DGCs, both born after we were married, and I love them massively. I get on well with his ex - we even all had a big family holiday in a cottage 3 years ago, with no tension or fall-outs. DSS currently separated from his OH (who is a great mother) and the DGC live with her and her mother.

DSS is very selfish and disrespectful. DH and, to a lesser extent, his ex never set boundaries for DSS when he was young and he turned into a cheeky, uncaring and badly behaved teenager and young man. He was in trouble with the Police from time to time, always getting into fights and getting drunk, and treated us with disdain. DH has always made excuses for him. He’s showered him with gifts, money, the lot - he even bought him a home which he doesn’t look after. DS lost his licence thru drink driving so can’t drive the car DH gave him, so DH is like a taxi service despite us living 15 miles away. All DSS has to do is call.

I know I can’t change DH’s behaviour or thoughts, but I’m getting to the end of my tether. DSS constantly makes arrangements with my DH and then forgets about it if it suits him. Example: today they were meant to be going somewhere but DSS wasn’t at home when DH got there. He’s tried phoning him, but no answer. There will be no apology when he does get him. Tomorrow we’re meant to be taking the kids to the cinema, but we know there’s a good chance he’ll just not be around when we’re looking for him....... to this end, their mum hasn’t even told them they’re going out with their dad and us so that they’re not let down; if DSS decides he wants to do it, then the kids will be told as a surprise.

DH and I have clashed many time over the years, but he just refuses to see it. “It’s just the way he is”, “I know, his behaviour is terrible, but he won’t change” and the classic “you’ve not had any kids so I don’t expect you to understand that what I do for D* is what any parent would do”. Surely not!

I so want to make a stand on this, but I just don’t know what to do. DSS is always polite enough with me, but he treats my DH very badly.

Any ideas? Do I just need to accept that’s the way it is?

I think you need to accept the decisions your OH is making. I can't understand them either but it's where he's at with his thinking right now and if you push him to agree with you there is a real danger of driving a wedge between you. It sounds like you've spent a lot of time trying to get him to see things the way you do. If you stop doing that now and just be available, non-judgementally, for him to talk to you about this if he wants, he may start to think differently. If you keep arguing a point with someone you can actually sometimes just entrench their view.

Most parents are not like that! Someone who lost their license through drink driving, a LOT of people would think they had to take their punishment, not actually make it better for them! I also think its harsh to say 'you'd know if you had kids' as firstly most people dont have a personality transplant when they have kids and secondly lots of people don't raise kids with a complete absence of punishment or consequences! Hes 31 and an adult, he sounds 17 and vile.

I dont know what you can do about it though, it sounds a really engrained dynamic and if your husband doesnt want it to change then it wont. Just dont play along with it eg refuse to wait around to see if he turns up, insist you're going to do x activity anyway or if your husband cant go somewhere as he is giving his son a lift, go without him

Thanks - I think you’re probably right. I just can’t get my head around why he lets his DS walk all over him. He has zero respect for anyone or anything - whilst he’s good with the kids when he’s with them (and they absolutely adore “their daddy”), he so often lets them down.

My DH stands up for himself in every other aspect of his life. I just can’t understand why he’s like this with his DS.

Thanks, Meringue. It is a really ingrained dynamic. He treats his mother just as disrespectfully, but she probably puts up with it a little less. I’m thinking that if DSS doesn’t answer his phone tomorrow morning, then I’ll just go out shopping, maybe visit my parents, anything just to be out of the way. The upside is that we won’t both be waiting around all morning to see if DSS is going to surface; the downside is that, if he does, I’ll miss out on seeing the DGCs.