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Original poster

'If you leave, you're not taking my child' threats?

23 replies

Moonprism · 16/08/2019 20:18

This is going to be a long one, I'm sorry but I don't want to drip feed.

I've been with my partner 8 years. He used to be addicted to marijuana but quit, and has been clean for 5 years now. That's relevant because I left him due to him becoming paranoid and aggressive when he was smoking, so much so he pinned me down once and ripped my handbag away from me.

After taking things slowly, we moved on and were doing great. I fell pregnant completely accidentally, he always said he wouldn't have 'more kids' (he has 2, previous relationship) but came round to the idea after I explained I wouldn't be able to seek abortion as he wanted. My own mum had massive problems carrying boys and I was told quite young I'd have issues too. That made me quite determined to see the pregnancy through. I worked until two days before I had my caesarean.

He got a very good job but with very long hours, and I've stayed at home with the baby who is almost 2. He pays most of the bills. I don't get any money except from family, who send money for their grandson. He gets paid, gives me exactly the money to pay the rent and one bill that comes out of my account then keeps the rest.

Things haven't been great.

He's never changed a nappy. Not gotten up once in the morning with the baby or through the night. I can't even have a bath, I have to shower when the baby is in the bath as he won't sit with him.

Now, he goes out. With his family on nights out, for meals, for sport -- he didn't come home until 2.30am one morning as he had 'decided to go out with work friends' without letting me know a thing. I may as well be a single parent, we see each other that little. Even his days off he is out.

Now I've spoken to him about this and he says 'he needs time for him' and 'he hates his life so needs to take time out' but when I try being assertive (I have anxiety, and I'm on medication) he tells me I can leave but the baby isn't coming with me. My family lives an hour and a half away, so obviously I'd want to take my child to them and start a fresh life but I'd never stop him seeing the baby.

I feel so trapped, and really need someone to give my head a wobble..

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/08/2019 20:23

Well, he's provided zero care for the baby, he clearly doesn't WANT to, so i'd honestly think its an empty threat geared to stop you leaving. He's not really going to want to become a 24/7 carer for the baby and lose all his "me" time is he now.

gamerchick · 16/08/2019 20:24

They ALWAYS say they'll keep the kids or will fight for the kids or 'you can piss off but the kids stay here'

In reality they don't want the kids, they just use it to control you.

Contact your family and ask for their help. He's abusing you and you need to leave him. Sounds like there will be an opportunity to leave if he's hardly there. Sort out all paperwork you need and make a plan.

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/08/2019 20:25

Just leave. Realistically, what is he going to do?

Starlight456 · 16/08/2019 20:28

This is financial abuse.

Get your family to help you get out.

ApplesOrangesPears · 16/08/2019 20:32

It’s an empty threat used by abusive men to keep you where they want you. It’s bollocks. My ex said that if I left him he would ‘fight me in every court in the land’ for full residency. He also threatened to take the children to his family abroad so I’d never see them again. I left him anyway. He did none of what he’d threatened - because he never intended to. He knew stopping seeing my children was the worst thing he could threaten me with so that’s what he said to try and maintain the status quo. Nasty bastard that he is.

That was 5 years ago. He now sees the kids EOW (if it’s convenient for him and doesn’t interrupt his social life).

minibroncs · 16/08/2019 20:34

Yes, abusive men do make those threats. It's coercive control.

The fact that he's abusing you makes it all the more important that you do leave. But there are people who can help you.

You don't have to tell him or warn him, you can leave when he's not there so he can't kick off. It will be safer.

Women's Aid are there for you if you want to talk it through and get some advice and reassurance: 0808 2000 247

There's also Rights of Women for legal advice if you can't get to a solicitor.

Get safely away from him and once you're settled a bit look up the Freedom Programme. It will help you make sense of it all.

LeeScoresbysBalloon · 16/08/2019 20:36

Just go, and take your child. What is he going to do?

And as if he wants full custody of a child he can’t even bother to provide basic care for and watch for 5mins whilst you have a shower...

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 16/08/2019 20:37

He is abusing you. You can take the child with you when you leave (and I hope that you do, sooner rather than later). You need advice on how to do that safely for you and your child though so contact women’s aid. They can and will help and support you. Be honest with them about everything even stuff that might seem “silly” or no big deal because often it is a big deal.

Neverender · 16/08/2019 20:41

He says he wants the kids but they are completely incompatible with his lifestyle and the things he prioritises. Let him go to court if he wants then he can stay in every evening bathing the children...he won't.

BertieBotts · 16/08/2019 20:51

They always say this, they usually get fed up of bothering to see them after six months, far from being inconsolable without them Hmm indeed DS1's dad went off and promptly did the same to his next girlfriend, he doesn't see that child either.

june2007 · 16/08/2019 20:52

What's stopping you getting a job? This will give you financial independence and less relying on him. Have you discussed your financial situation? What's stopping you joining a club in the evenings once a wk and leaving him with babe? Ofcoursr he says don,t take the baby of you leave, wouldn't you say the same.

BertieBotts · 16/08/2019 20:52

Go where your family support is.

BertieBotts · 16/08/2019 20:54

Does he see his other children?

Bookworm4 · 16/08/2019 20:56

Get yourself and DS packed and go to your mums soon as he goes to work on Monday.
This waster isn’t a partner or father, what do you do for money for food, clothes, nappies?
Just go.

RandomMess · 16/08/2019 20:57

He has zero interstellar in being a parent it's just a threat to stop you leaving. Doesn't seem likely he'll even bother with contact..

Florencenotflo · 16/08/2019 21:12

Pack your stuff up and get back to your family. It's an empty threat to keep you exactly where he wants you.

If he's never done a night feed or bath time or bed time or night wake ups, like fuck is he going to start now.

Call his bluff, go to your family, tell him to take you to court. As PP have said I bet you my last £10 you won't hear from him or Court.

tigger001 · 16/08/2019 21:25

Firstly just make sure you keep yourself and your child safe.

Ensure your family will be coming for you or expecting you so you know you have somewhere to go.

Wait for him to go to work and go.

Owlypants · 16/08/2019 21:38

Leave him. Or if your name is on the house make him leave, don't put up with that. Tell your family you're ending it, tell your friends too, make sure you have support

Vivi890 · 17/08/2019 11:05

Stop asking him and just pack up and leave while he’s at work.

Mypetsnails · 17/08/2019 11:11

They ALL say this, that type. He can barely be arsed with the child now, when another adult is doing the donkey work, he's hardly going to be itching to give up his precious nights out to change nappies 24/7

Starlight456 · 17/08/2019 11:24

I also say . Assuming you are not married is your name deeds?

I would move home anyway get some support . Take his ni number with you claim cms as soon as you leave . Get all your documents together .

Are you getting the child benefit? If not get that transferred over as soon as you leave

PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 11:32

The abusive ones love to threaten to keep the children. Judges have seen it all before. If anything, it simply demonstrates and underscores to the authorities how abusive he is. Like a dog whistle of abuse, it's practically an admission of guilt.

Leave him. Flowers

NeelixFelicis · 17/08/2019 15:59

It's an empty threat to stop you leaving. He's just trying to keep you in your place, through your DC. Bastard

You really think he wants to sacrifice all that free time, leisure, work, social fun, and sitting on his idle backside, to be a full time parent to a DS he already plays zero part in raising? He doesn't want that.
He just wants to keep you in your place, and have the Easy Street life he's become accustomed to.

The exact thing happened with me, OP.
I was young and quite naïve though, had an absolutely useless XH & also felt like a single parent (not only to the DC but to him, as he did nothing).
He also said he wouldn't "let me" take the DC.
Once I left, he said he wanted to see them...but he'd "have to come to my house" to do it, I had to be there. I said no, if he wants to see DC he can arrange days & times, while I go rebuild my life. I wanted to work, to make friends, and get back some independence & happinesss.

He said "I'm not babysitting so you can go out. You aren't meeting someone else on my time". And he didn't bother again. This was many years ago.

Believe me, men like your 'D'P are all cut from the same cloth. He doesn't stand a chance, he just doesn't want to give up his cushy life. Be strong, and go get yours. You and DS deserve so much more than the crumbs he is leaving out for you Flowers

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